Today I happened to see a text that my son sent to himself. My iPad shares the cloud with my kids devices so if I allow it the iPad can see their texts. I don’t check them as much as I used to. My son uses my iPad more than I do so I don’t remember to check much and frankly my kids either have some code I don’t know or they are just good kids bc the texts are fairly nondescript. I’ll see the occasional cuss from a friend or girl drama or dialogues on clothing or makeup ( most texts are from my daughter) but there isn’t too much to see. Today I saw the iPad sitting near my mom chair and I decided to take a quick peak at the iMessage App to see what was up. Well I was confused to see a picture of a pretty girl in a text to my son and it looked like it was from him too. He was in the room with me. Should I ask him? Probably not but I did anyway bc I’m just not one to hold back when I’m super curious. I try but I just start asking questions. I have no control.
Me: is this your picture?
Son: what ?
Me: who is this girl? Do you like her?
Son: yes i do what’s wrong with that?
Me: who is it?
Son names a name that I can’t remember – and apparently she is a popular singer -she can’t be that famous if I’ve never heard of her. I lie -I’m so out if touch with much of the popular music artists. But my son doesn’t like music that much. Which says something bc he plays trumpet. But apparently he likes that singer in the picture.

Me: you texted the picture to yourself? Why?
Son: I wanted her picture. It’s a screen shot. Is there something wrong with that? I like a girl. It’s normal right?
Me: you have a crush on her?
Apparently I was in shock.
Son : your acting weird. What’s wrong with that?
Me to myself: Um it’s wrong bc you never have ever admitted to liking anyone ever and now you are and I’m kind if freaked out. –I didn’t want to be freaked out but I was.
Me: of course it’s normal. You just never told me you liked a girl before. If I asked you always said no. And it’s not like you are going to date her.

Of course he just laughed. Silly mom. Yes silly me.

What was wrong with me? I think I was jealous. I vowed never to be a mom who got jealous when her sons affections weren’t only for their mom. It’s what has to happen -it’s normal. But I felt so sad. There was a picture of a girl and everything. My little boy isn’t little anymore.

Thankfully this is a celebrity crush and not a real girl that I might meet in the flesh. I have time to recover from this odd reaction and learn to be better at hearing the news the next time it happens. The next time it could be a real girl I could meet And i don’t want to make a complete ass of myself. Hopefully I’ll have years to perfect my reactions and even perfect acting like I like her when I don’t. I mean that could happen. I might not like who he likes. But I really hope I do. But if I don’t I’ll fake it. Ok I’ll try and fake it. I just need to get better at my acting. I did awful today. But it was the first time I encountered a girl that my son liked. I know -it was only a picture- how pathetic of me.

I never reacted this way when my daughter began liking boys. I did get after her about posting pics of famous boys on Facebook and Instagram but I even got over that. So has she mostly. She had one boyfriend that lived far away- the best kind- and that lasted maybe a month or so. I felt a different kind of weird with when she began dating. More protective. He was a very nice guy so I never had to fake liking him but we did only meet once. She broke up with him so I didn’t have to hate him for hurting her. Bc no matter how nice he was I would have disliked him immensely if he hurt my child.

I know I’ll be that way with my son but what is it with moms and their boys that make us so weird when they start noticing other woman(girls)? I know I’m not the only mom who got freaked out or who reacted oddly to their sons first crush. I have had conversations confirming this.

I want my sons to fall in love and someday have a families. I know when either of my sons love someone that person will be very special. I want to love them too. I have the best mother-in-law ever. She added me to her family as a daughter she never had. She did that with all her daughters- in-law. I have been blessed and I want to be like her. My reaction today doesn’t bode well for that but I have time to get better at it Hopefully lots of time.

They were just little guys yesterday right? Now they are young men with changing bodies and hormones from hell. It just happens so fast. One day their holding your hand so you can get them across the street safely and the next their off living their own lives-getting crushes on girls even when mom might not quite be ready for it. Ready or not mom – here it comes.

I better get ready ….

Thanks for reading…

This week began soccer tryouts for my son – Luke- and field hockey tryouts for my daughter- Kamilla.  We are not sure there will be FH cuts but we know there will be soccer cuts.  They both worked hard on their conditioning. I had written earlier this summer about Luke who really is a bit lazy. At almost 14 he- like many other boys his age – would rather be playing on his phone or xbox etc. It took some coaxing and prodding and bribery by me to get him to begin conditioning for try-outs. To him they seemed so far away. To his dad and I they seemed right around the corner.

As luck would have it we found some cheap but good camps to send him to.  Then a 7v7 league to play on and also one on one training by a soccer coach from a local community college(who did not charge near what he should have- but was he a great teacher). So he was on his way to training to ready himself for at least a shot at making it.

On Wednesday Luke and my daughter began their tryouts. I drove Luke to his try-out in the afternoon and there were SO many boys there. He and I just looked at each other and said “oh wow” at the same time. I just said “go give it 100% – thats all you can do.”  As i pulled away part of my heart was left with him. I felt the angst he must have been feeling, and then there is the hope. Why do they have to have cuts? Well frankly bc 50 kids are not needed to field JV and Varsity teams. Someone has to go – it was obvious by just looking at all those boys on the field.

Today is day three and Luke will find out his fate. This morning Kevin and I woke up feeling nervous for Luke. We so want him to make it. We don’t want him to feel disappointed but I get that this could be the start of a number of things that let him down in his life. It will be a learning experience if he doesn’t make it and thats ok..our kids need these types of experiences. Up until this point he never tried out for a team- his private school didn’t have cuts for soccer and they had a great team. he knew basketball had cuts and he never tried out..was that bc there were cuts? I am not sure. It always bothered me that in his earlier soccer years all the kids got a trophies and medals for participating. Some time that would end and there would be trophies for the winner only. I wanted my kids to know that you don’t get rewards for just showing up- that to win at anything it takes hard work and even then sometimes things don’t work out- but in the end you know you tried.

In my kids private middle school they were lucky to have sports teams and they even attended the banquet at the end of the year for 6-12 grades. At that banquet there were three awards per team for middle school. Most Improved, Might in Spirit (it was a Christian school), and MVP. You might think mom here wanted the MVP- nope. The award I wanted for my kids was might in spirit. For me that was the one where the winner would have to show the most character. My kids did win a couple awards at those banquets. I remember one year my daughter saying “next year I want mighty in spirit'” that warmed my heart. To me character is the most important thing. So thankfully in Middle School my kids were introduced to the fact not everyone wins something for just showing up.

As much as we don’t want our kids to hurt – ever- we have to know that if we try to save them each time they might fail we are doing them a disservice. Some of the best lessons in life come from failures and hurts. I have a son with ADHD and he very often forgets to do his homework and if he does it he often forgets to turn it in. He does have some accommodation that gives him a grace day for this. But not a week! I guess I could micro-manage him and walk into his classroom to make sure he turned it in(embarrassing for him!) – or I could bother the teacher and give some excuse – but what am I teaching him? It kills me to see his grades drop bc he didn’t hand in a project or a paper. He is off the charts smart- it will drive a person to drink bc of the frustration one can feel watching a person that stinking bright sabotage themselves. But sometimes you just have to let happen- a glass of wine can help heal the pain as you watch it unfold. It is so hard- but it is a life lesson for them and and it is not about us….if they fail it does not mean we did something wrong.

I was among the soccer parents the other day- all of our kids trying out against the other- I saw the parents scanning the kids and I heard them chattering in their groups. “I hear all the boys from last year are for sure getting a spot” and “I heard that they are only taking 18 per team”..”I heard 22″ blah blah blah. I am not living vicariously through my kids.  I made sure long ago that I had my own things that i liked to do. If my kids were all about a sport we would try as best we could to facilitate them getting in that sport and to get as much training as we could afford. None of my kids asked to play a club sport- and if they had we would have tried to put them in if cash flow allowed it. But we let their desire drive it. I had my love- horse back riding.

Years ago I learned a valuable lesson. I put my daughter into riding lessons when she was six. She had been in an orphanage for over 4 years and where she was there wasn’t much chance for outdoor play. She did not have good muscle tone for six year old – she was weak. She needed something to make her stronger so we began with gymnastics but we soon learned that was not her thing. So I got her riding- and I began riding again then too. But I made the mistake of criticizing her too often and correcting her and making her feel bad (remember I  am not the same mom I once was). I was so picky and anal retentive..why? I don’t know. Anyway she was a good rider – really good- She even ribboned at shows.  But somewhere along the way she never developed the love for it that I had. Was it bc of me that she didn’t really love it? Maybe- or probably- at least some of it. It hurt when she quit- it was something i wanted to have with her and it just never happened. I held a grudge for a while. I regret that. But I learned. I learned that I have to let my kids find their own paths. I am here to help them forge the way but I cannot make them live the life i have dreamed up for them..they have to find it themselves. All I can do is love them along the way and help of they need me- but always love them.

Do I want my kids to make their teams? HECK yes! Will i be sad if they don’t? Yes – but only because they will be sad- but life will go on. Luke already has a pool party to go to for a band activity tonight (he is going to be a pioneer this year by playing trumpet in the resurrected marching band for their High School – it has been gone 18 years I think). So I imagine if he doesn’t make the team he will be ok when he sees his band friends.

I wouldn’t be a mom if I didn’t feel my kids pain or worry for them more than they worry for themselves. But I know when to step back and let things happen – well at least some of the time..and I hope i will know when to step in. I can be a  tough mama bear if needed- sometimes I growl at outsiders and sometimes I growl at my kids.  We can be crazy nuts when it come to our kids- and really it’s all bc of that four letter word called – LOVE…

Thanks for reading:)

The sea of kids trying out for soccer..Luke is in there somewhere!

On Thursday I officially entered five of my photos in a local county fair contest. I bought mattes and I’m glad I did as much of the competition that I saw that day had mattes too. It was only required to mount the photos on 11×14 board but I had a feeling I should get the mattes that were precut. They look nicer being matted.

There is quite a bit of competition and I saw some nice photos there. it’s fun being part of it this year.

Today is Day 1 of the fair. They will keep the Fine Arts building closed for the day to judge. Tomorrow they open it with all the awards given. My husband asked if I wanted to go tomorrow to see if I win anything. We normally go early in the week. I might wait until then. I’d love to win a ribbon but I’m not getting my hopes up. I’m just glad I entered. It’s brought a little of the spark back – I needed that.

Here are the photos I entered. The represent 5 categories. BW landscape, still life w no insect, winter landscape, farm animal, and other. ( the icicles are in the other category). :