I was missing something—now I know…

She was flying- her face showed she was happy and free. She was one with her horse and I felt it from where I was standing on the rail of the ring. I felt the freedom and the air and the fullness that you get when you are riding on the back of your horse. What i wasn’t expecting were the tears. My tears. I was trying to hide them from the crowd and from my husband. How silly it would be to be crying at an exhibition as I watched a young woman I didn’t even know ride her horse. But I felt it all inside me- that freedom – I wanted it – right then.

I have a horse-I have 2 in fact. The horse I ride is Harley – he’s about 15 or 16. I have had him for over 7 years now. We have always been a work in progress – meaning we both need more lessons but he is still fun to ride without them. The sad thing is I haven’t been able to ride because of the residual effects of cancer treatments. My shoulder and really my upper torso have been effected by the radiation. Its too long a story to explain but between radiation effects and further exacerbating it by shoveling ice I am a bit of a mess. I am constantly pursuing treatments that will fix the issue but the bottom line is I haven’t ridden since April or early May. Its been too long.

I am not sure I realized how much I missed riding until I saw that girl flying through the ring on her horse. She was an acrobatic rider so she stood for part of the ride on her horse and rode. The bond and trust that it takes to do that is very special. The horse and rider as one- it is amazing to see and touched a part of me that longs to just be riding my horse. For a moment I thought how unfair it is that I cant ride. I cant do the a number of things and the frustration is getting worse. I feel trapped with a body that is broken. Sometimes it just really gets to me. But then I realize all I can do and that many disabled people would love to be able to do what I can do. So I change my attitude…and move on. I am lucky and all isn’t lost. But I want to ride my horse – I want to feel the freedom that I saw the other night..I want to just be me on my horse for a few minutes…Anne and the horse- no cancer – no injuries–just me and my Harley…I didn’t know how bad i wanted it but now I want it so it must happen.

Will my PT therapist think its a good idea? I don’t know. Maybe not…but if it makes me more sane and more happy then maybe it is ok to do it. I’ll need lots of help tacking him up and getting up on him. But I want to try. I need to. I don’t like asking for help – its hard for me- and people here are busy but I have to get up on that horse. It hasn’t left my head since we were at the fair Tuesday night. I look at the photos I took and i remember how I felt. I don’t need to stand on my horse to feel the freedom – the rush- the being at peace. I just need to be able to sit on him. Guide him along and lean forward and pat his neck. I want to feel like I am flying and free – just for a minute – free from the things that weigh me down…just me and my horse – and nothing else…

Thanks for reading…