Today I was reminded of how much words can hurt. Especially when you are a young teen trying to find your place in the world. Our daughter “K” is in high school –  she was reading aloud in class and stumbled over some words(it was Macbeth- hello – I couldn’t even understand the Cliff notes back in the day). A peer said to her right in front of many of the kids in the class..”you can’t even read, you should go back to your own country.”   She was so upset she texted me about it.  This got mama and papa upset.

One of my hot buttons is racism. I know this was an immature kid saying a stupid thing but if it’s not racist to some – then at the least it is quite mean. This is not the first time K has had comments made to her. She is Asian and we live in rural America and our schools are not very diverse and sadly she has run into nasty people before. Today it stung a bit more because it was said in front of her class – she was embarrassed and according to her the teacher just said to the kid “that wasn’t nice”- really thats all you got?  I don’t want a huge deal made out of it but how about speaking to the kid after class – asking him to apologize? It is funny that the kids will get long lectures about bullying and racism in school yet teachers turn the other way if they see it happen- well some teachers anyway.

Do we (as in the country)really still have to deal with this stuff? Can’t we get past the the hate? Would this kids parents be okay that this comment was made by their child? Or worse, did he get the idea this was okay to say from his family? I feel like we (the country/the world)should be so far past this but we aren’t and we see it everyday all over this country. There is just so much hate spewed daily – shouldn’t we do something about it if we see it in our homes, businesses and classrooms?  It just boils my blood when my child is hurt by such unkind words.

Sadly, It won’t be the last time she hears these comments. I decided to give her some canned retorts to these bullies. She laughed at my suggestions–all were intended to emasculate the big mouths if said bully was a male. She won’t use them but it was fun thinking of them.  Ok it is immature, but I know you moms reading this understand how the claws can come out when someone messes with our kids. Seriously- I have so many things I want to say to him- all those retorts I didn’t have when I was in high school.

I took the high road though. I didn’t hunt him down to let him verbally have it. I contacted the teacher and asked her to speak to the student about it. I was clear in my disappointment that she did not handle it right away.  We will see what her response is.

My daughter and I spoke later about the incident and she said that this time it just got to her but she said that she usually deals with it and shrugs it off or uses her retort of “Oh – haha – you are saying that because I am Asian- now I get it….” but I can tell it stings. I was the fat kid – so I know about the words that hurt. I don’t want my daughter to feel less than because she is Asian, or a woman, or fat, or skinny. She is more than because of the her sweet soul and her care for others. She can do anything – or be anything if she sets her mind to it.  I don’t want some stupid kid with a big mouth making her or anyone else feel badly about themselves.

I know she will be ok but my mama heart is hurt for her.  I won’t stop hoping that kids (and adults) will stop this madness and realize we are all beautifully made and beautifully different and that should be celebrated. I will keep the nasty retorts in my head for now but you never know what a really mad mom might say if the circumstances are just so…it might not be my best moment but I would claim temporary insanity…

Thanks for reading…

Ps – I am quite happy to report that the teacher stepped up in a big way. The child apologized in writing and he had to do go tonthe office. She also spoke to the entire class about these types of comments. K has forgiven her peer. I hope she and her classmates learned something from this. I’m so glad the teacher effectively handled this and she reached out to me as well. I appreciated that.

Dear Freshman Seminar Teacher –

I am writing to you with an issue I am having with a particular lesson you have introduced in your course. Though I very much like the idea of your course – to help Freshman get the skills they need in order to be prepared and plan for their next 4 years of school – and beyond -hopefully, I am not happy with one particular example you used while teaching the topic of communication. Specifically, when the students were given the list of examples on poor communication one example discussed was “Probing Conversation”. I did not like the example portion of this topic at all- and I am asking that you fix it. For the sake of future teen communication it needs to be fixed.

Imagine how excited I was as a mom when my son came into my room with a sheet of paper in hand and asked me to read it. I thought we are having a bonding moment. He wanted to share something special he learned in his Freshman Seminar class. I began reading – the topic was on poor communication skills- there were a few types listed with appropriate examples.  As I read further I came across the one titled “Probing Communication”. A probing conversation is when a person asks many questions to drag (or as I would say guide) an answer from someone. It is considered to be intrusive when used in the wrong way and influential when used correctly. This example did not go into this fact. It explained that probing is bad communication and listed types of probing questions and then noted as an example of who may use this type of bad communication as parents! What? You are teaching my child that I shouldn’t be probing? Hello? Did anyone who wrote this lesson even have children..better yet teens? We would not ever speak to our kids if we parents did not probe!

I asked my son “Do you think I probe?”

Him:”Sometimes.”

Me: “You don’t think I should ask you questions?” I mean he showed this lesson to me for a reason…

Him: “Well you can ask questions – just not so many.”

Me: “You don’t think I need to know answers to questions like ‘where are you going’ or ‘what time will you be home?’ or “who are you going to be with?’ ?”

Him: “Well you do but I can tell you that.”

Me:”So you will tell me all this information before I would have to ask you?”

Him: “Yes”

Me:”Hmm – yea well see about that.”

Fast forward a few weeks and I am trying to get info on whats up for homecoming – we are on like the third conversation and i have little information on the plans…Son: “Um mom you’re probing”

Me trying not to let steam come out of my head…calmly I say ..”What?- I need to know this information. I am the parent you are the child.”

Him: “I am meeting some friends at the dance.”

Me:”Do they have names?”

Him: “Yes”

OK so is my question limit over now?…I know the kids have names…great. Oh my Gosh- do you see what the drill has to be as a parent? My rules are that I need to know – WHO, WHAT, WHERE, WHEN, HOW about an activity – and this the minimum. I may need more info depending on the activity. And your probing lesson is being used against me! These are probing questions- I have to probe – he is a young teen prone to make huge blunders and we are parents trying to minimize the blunders and their impact on the kids life. We cannot stop the blunders but we can try – and without probing questions we leave a lot of stuff we need to know out of the convo!

So now not only do I bug the crap out of my kids when I ask them these questions they have been given the definition of the tactic and have been told it is a poor way to communicate – and they call me out on it! Seriously take that example out of the book – or rewrite it! No just forget the entire lesson because i can tell you that ammo you gave them on probing is the only lesson they absorbed because I don’t see them practicing better communication on their end. Maybe stick to resume writing, homework organization, and schedule planning.

I am all for not being too intrusive and as a mom we sometimes can try to get too into our kids business – we forget they deserve some privacy. But if they want to leave my home and convene with friends I need to know some information and I am going to ask questions and set limits if I don’t get the answers. Please teachers don’t make it harder than it already is!

Thank you for what you do – but maybe leave the lessons on communication to the speech teachers.

Do you think you can do this? How do you feel about it? Are you angry? Where were you when you read this? Do you have to run it by administration? Other teachers? How long will it take for you to get a response on this? How long will it take for you to get back to me on this? Who do you have to talk to to get this rectified? What is the process? Where will it take place?

I got more- should I keep going? I am a trained in inquisition because I am a mom. You get the point….

Sincerely –

Anne “you don’t like me probing?” Sweeney

–Thanks for reading–