I looked down at my hands – hands that have carried me through the years.

Hands that people have called pretty.

They are my hands but their not my hands either They are my nana’s hands. I got her hands.

Hers were smaller but when I see my hands I see hers too.

The dog bite scar I got when I was five is almost gone. When did that happen? At night I put coconut oil on my hands.

I think then how weird it is that we can’t see our faces except in a mirror or in a picture.

If we didn’t have that means to see ourselves we’d be left with reflection in glass and in water. Never really seeing ourselves clearly.

Maybe that would be a blessing. Never having to worry about what we really looked like.

Like an animal. Never having to worry about our face.

Just existing as we are. Never knowing we are aging , sagging and getting wrinkled. We could just know ourselves from within not the outside.

Then I get the urge to look in the mirror. I see me as I am now.

Sometimes I see myself in my head as I was 25 yrs ago and then I see myself in the mirror and I’m a little surprised. Not displeased just surprised.

Now I  see the wrinkles I so try to make go away with new creams.

I see my neck looking like it’s tired. It’s not my neck but it is. When did that happen?

I see my thinning hair and tired eyes. Why am I so tired?

The lines around my eyes from laughing and smiling along with the laugh lines by my mouth crinkle up if I move my face – almost teasing me and I want to look away.

I feel like crying. I don’t like the tired looking person in the mirror. I do like her though.

I just don’t like her face- it should be smooth and uncrinkly.

But then I realize that those lines come from many things – tough times – yes there have been some of those but those lines also come from laughing and smiling.

If it was devoid of wrinkles it would be devoid of a life lived. Of laughs and tears and jokes and hugs and love.

It may not alway be easy to look at that reflection in the mirror but the person  behind the eyes is there. The same little girl, the same young adult, the same me,the same but better.

And every line shows a life led.

Oh I’ll still try to make them less noticeable with creams and things. I’ll always carry some type of vanity.

If I have to look in the mirror I’ll always want to eradicate the lines that tell my story. We will fight and over time they will win. But in a way I’m glad they will win -and I’m glad they are there – I am glad I am here to fight them.

I’m really glad I smiled.