I’m back in Maryland and the snow has started. Jonas arrived as predicted.
I’m glad to be home with my kids and we have prepared as best we can for the impending snow. My husband was able to get the generator tested. The tarps are covering the the chicken runs. All the chickens and ducks are closed in safely. The horses have lots of hay in their stall. They have plenty of water and extra in buckets in the gym off our barn. We have food and blankets extra bottled water and flashlights.
It’s good to be home.
But it was hard to leave my mom in the hospital in PA. Really hard. Had this storm not been impending we would still be there.
When I called this morning I wasn’t able to reach her at first so I called the nurses station and was told she had had a very bad night she had become very confused and unable to really communicate. When I tried to speak to her early this morning she wasnt able to complete a sentence and she was very confused. Maybe it’s the pain meds though nobody is quite sure.
I can’t tell you how upsetting it is to leave your mother like that even though she is in a hospital. As the day progressed and we were on our way home i was having trouble reaching my mom. I was able to speak to her nurse but I wasnt happy with the vague information she was giving me and I could not hear her well on the phone. By the time I got home and I had tried to call my mom a couple times but I was still unable to reach her I was getting panicked. I called once and an aide answered and told me my mom couldn’t speak to me and I heard her cry in pain in the background. It was awful. I feel such helplessness. Maybe if I was there I wouldn’t be of much help but maybe i would be a comfort.
I began making a lot of calls to the nurses station, to the social worker and the surgeons office. I let them know that I was losing my patience trying to get information about my mom -I’m not trying to be a pain just trying to understand what’s going on. I’ve finally spoken to the nurse on duty who I met yesterday and he’s way more communicative than the nurse earlier. I appreciate his giving me his time and I told him that. I know how hard nurses work and appreciate that he took the time to help update me. He did tell me she got up a couple times to use the bathroom so I guess that is somewhat of a good sign. I also spoke to the social worker for a good while. She was able to read the notes on my moms file so I knew what had transpired over the day. It was a pretty tough day. But I was also told they have secured a couple rehab options for her which is very good news. But we still have to get her back to her more lucid self.
Painfully exempt from returning my calls was her surgeon. I am not going to lie I didn’t like him much when I spoke with him before and after my moms surgery. I think he’s a good surgeon so liking his “bedside manner” isn’t a big deal until the patient isn’t doing well and you have to deal with the lack of social skills more than you ever wanted to. So tomorrow I’ll have to have him paged. I hope he calls me back.
All I can do now is sit in Maryland worrying about my mother who is alone in a hospital two hours away. I had to make a choice to return home to weather the storm or to stay in PA -maybe on the hospital floor? I made the choice to come home and though I thought it was the right choice earlier I’m not so sure now. But here I am stuck in a blizzard and I have to hope and pray that she’s in good hands and they will help her.
So tonight when I was able to finally speak to my mom I tried to offer words of comfort so she wouldn’t be so scared and agitated. She has done the same time and time again in my life. After I got off the phone I was feeling pretty sad and the one person I would have called to lift my spirits wss the very same person I was just trying to comfort.
I hope tomorrow is a better day snow and all.
Photo taken last winter after a much lighter storm.
One thought on “Hard choices in light of a blizzard named Jonas”
Dear Anne, I can understand and relate to your experience of being separated from your mother, and not being able to ‘get through’ to her in various ways, or be by her side in her time of need. I also know the heartbreak of missing and needing my own mom deeply, even while trying to meet her needs. The limitations of what we can do in our human, finite condition can be so frustrating and heartbreaking. I went through similar experiences with my mother for ten years, and though I tried to bridge the distance between us it was not always possible, either due to geography, or financial limitations, or her deterioration due to Alzheimer’s disease. I hope your mom is doing better now. For me, it helped to do what I could and keep the faith that whatever I could not provide, God would. Things didn’t always go perfectly, and mom suffered at time with less than competent caregivers. I did everything I could to address any failures to meet her needs. In the end, I believe she was blessed with loving and sensitive caregiving, on a journey in which I could only accompany her so far. I don’t keep up with all your blog posts, but I’m really sorry to hear your mom has been suffering, and will try to check in on you all periodically. Hoping for the best. I know your family is a great support and comfort to you. I love the way you’ve all come together recently, to love and support each other in times of loss. I trust you all realize what a blessing that is. May God continue to bless you and your beautiful family. ❤