In my dreams

In my dreams I am whole.

I walk the beaches of the world and I hear the roar of the waves and I smile.

In my dreams I  can hold a child and carry bunches of flowers miles and miles.

In my dreams I can ride my horse and brush him. I Fly across the land on his back arms spread wide one with the air and sun.

In my dreams I am free. I can run and touch the moon and the stars. There is nothing to hold me down.

In my dreams I feel love and happiness -no pain and sorrow.

Then I wake-

The shadows of sadness and pain dive upon me before I even shed my sleep haze.

My heart crushes as the walls close in.

I feel like I can’t breath. I’m trapped in myself and all the freedom I felt in my dream is robbed from me.

Another day. The same thing. Physical pain and sadness.

It’s a lonely place and I’ve never liked loneliness but it’s not unfamiliar -I just thought I had escaped it long ago.

I try to read but the characters in the book are living life -I’m not  – it makes me cry.

On tv a woman holds a puppy – I can hardly brush my own hair. I couldn’t carry a puppy.

I feel like I’m disappointing everyone. Despondent mom, wife and friend.

It seems to me that some doctors think it’s ok for me to live like this.

It’s not ok for me. It’s like my world has shattered and I can’t pick up all the pieces.

People walk by and hand me a shard or two and think they’ve done a good thing for me.

All I see are the rest of the pieces on the floor with no way for me to pick them up.

I once would have tried and succeeded at picking them up but now I just can’t find the strength.

I’ll never be able to put them back together alone.

The sadness overwhelms me and I long for answers.

I long to get out of the box I’m in. I am sad and afraid. I want to claw my way out but I’m almost out of hope that I can.

I just want to sleep.

I want to go back to my dreams.

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