Tomorrow is my surgery day. I’m nervous which is normal. I feel a little bad about feeling nervous because I’ve prayed for for so long now for someone to give me some hope to help ease my pain. I finally found that doctor and I should be excited. 

I was excited early on after we got the ok from the doctor that he’d perform the surgery.  But as it’s closed in I’ve become less excited. 

I think in part because it’s surgery and that’s scary but also I want to get my hopes up that it will help reduce my pain a lot but then I’m afraid to get too hopeful. 

I want to be able to get out of bed and live my life.  Last spring I had pain as I’d had for over two years but I was dealing with it   It wasn’t optimal but I had a life outside the confines of my home and bedroom. Now it feels like such a reach to get that life back again. 

I’ve had to get my mind around my reality. It’s been hard. I was steadfast against taking any RX medications. Now I realize I may have to take some medications even after my surgery is over.  I’m taking some meds now BC once you get to a certain pain level ones stealth refusal to take medications is easily changed to give me whatever will make not hurt so much. 

I had never taken an opiate before but I have now. And even at 1/4 dose those suckers work. And I can see why people become dependent on them for pain relief and I can see how they can be used recreationally causing addiction. They make you feel good. So far I’ve only take a total of maybe 4 pills in all the months I’ve be feeling badly. I didn’t want to become needy for them. I so take Valium which for some reason helps my discomfort but I take that sparingly as welll.  I wonder after surgery where I’ll be with this. Directly after I’m sure to need pain meds. But I won’t know about the long term for a while. 

 After breast cancer surgery I didn’t take anything for pain and the pain was bad but doable for me. But I’ve read since that It’s good to take pain. meds after surgery as it may lower the existence of pain in the future. It has something to do with the brain and the nerves getting a rest from eacother. In fact in some cancer centers woman are given general anesthesia and a nerve block. This has been researched and it seems it also helps lessen the chance of post surgery long term nerve pain.  

My mind kind of goes everywhere today. I need to shower tonight. I have to be at the surgery center very early and my surgery is early. I have to leave the house before my kids get up. I need to get things ready so I can sleep (hopefully) as close to our departure time as possible. I have to wash my surgical area with some special soap before I go.  I’ll need to take meds before I go. I can’t eat after midnight. So I have planned a second dinner at ten.  Trying to get all this straight while being nervous is kind of overwhelming. 

I’m lucky to be surrounded by people who love me and who I love. I also have my sweet dogs milling around trying to help the take edge off of my nerves. I love how they just live life in the moment except when it’s almost chow time. They seem to anticipate that. It’s nice having my golden Rudy here. He chooses to be with me over playing in the yard with his buddies. He’s gotten a bit heavy -we will work on that with some ball throwing when  i am feeling better. 

Kevin -my husband- has been incredible through this. A better friend and partner I couldn’t ask for. You don’t realize until your sick how much it effects the entire family. This has been a 3 year ordeal. My kids have seen me at my worst through this. And I’m sorry for that. Maybe after this is done and I’m feeling better I can make it up to them in some fun way. 

Right now, I think I’ll do some meditation and prayer. That should help center me I hope. I’ll picture myself whole and walking on the beach.  Or riding my horse. I’ll think of the endpoint -focus on the outcome I  want. 

And maybe I’ll focus on the meal I want after surgery and I’m through recovery. 

I like to eat.  

Thanks to all who have sent me notes and have prayed and thought of me through all this. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers at 7am tomorrow if you can. 

God Bless. 

😘😘