Being part of the farm again.

For the last two days I have been able to go out and work a bit on our little farm. This is such a big deal for me. I have been unable to do anything for months because of the pain I had. “Had”being a key word. I amstill not pain free after the surgery but I’m able to be part of life again. That’s so huge. I can’t do that many things physically out at the barn yet but I can do a little and I can give orders!

It felt good being part of things again. It’s hard to put into words the things I feel right now. I’m such a mix of emotions all the time. But feeling like a normal human again at least some of the time is really awesome.

I don’t have the stamina yet that I want but it will come. If I do too much I have pain. I still have some of the pain I hoped would be gone as a result of surgery-but it comes when I do certain things which leaves me with hope that as I gain more mobility with my arm that some of these issues might go. And I’m told it may take a year to heal fully. There is a chance that some of the nerves that were bothered for so long may not heal 100%. But I’m hoping for the very best outcome.

But that’s just stuff I don’t want to worry about now. I enjoyed today -being outside with my animals. Just being part of the world again. I came back in before the gale force winds we are supposed to get began. I think it’s blowing away our Indian summer. I’m not looking forward to winter really I’m not a fan of the cold but I’ll not let that keep from being part of my little farm. I’m thankful I’ll be able to go out and enjoy the season.

I took a number of photos today of basic farm happenings. But to me they are such a gift to be able to be part of such a place. The sights,the sounds, and the smells of a farm. Somehow I feel like farms are part of my soul. There is an amazing comfort for me when I’m on any farm. I feel it’s where I’m supposed to be. Well here and the beach and in nature. I have a large soul I suppose! I’m lucky to have found my places where I can find my center. Some people search a long time for that.

Hope you enjoy today’s farm photo s.

Airy my mare

harley my gelding and the horse i ride.

asking for a treat!

the storage area pf our barn . it geta quite a collection of junk and needs to be tidied up periodically

looking out on the back forty. our land is only tonthe fence but i love backing up to preservation land!

molting hen. she is on her way to new feathers.

me standing on manure pile. sums up my life of late!

new 100 gallon water trough w heater!

inside looking out.

Perseverance

I’ve decide that maybe my next tattoo should be the word “perseverance”. Which defined means “steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty”. Because things have been difficult for me and my family lately. Yet somehow I keep plodding along. I don’t know how I do it much of the time but I know God has a hand in it.

I spent much of last summer in bed in pain bc of complications from breast cancer surgery three years ago. To hopefully ease my pain, I had major nerve surgery in mid-October then just ten days later my father died rather suddenly. Just over two weeks later, as my brother and I were planning my dads funeral, I was alerted that my mother had been taken to the ER and was being transferred to a room. Later a doctor called me to ask me if they could intubate my mother to help her breath. Well you can imagine my shock.

I didn’t underand what was going on but because I was at least two hours away I agreed to the intubation. I was freaked out. How could this be happening just weeks after my dad passed away? My parents had been divorced for nearly 40 years so it wasn’t out of sorrow that my mother became ill. It just happened.

We rushed to get some things together in a bag and my husband and I made a beeline for Pennsylvania where my mom has been living alone (though I’ve wanted her to live with us or much closer to us). I hadn’t been up out of bed much since my surgery and hadn’t been traveling well in the car but off we went. I had pain meds thankfully.

What I kept trying to reason was-why. Why all of this all at once. Why the shit storm -as some have called it- it just doesn’t make sense. I just couldn’t grasp it and I felt like I was drowning. I can’t lose both parents in mere weeks apart. My mind can’t handle that. I feel like I still need to be someone’s child. Even if that someone was requiring me to make medical decisions for them at that moment.

That’s when Kevin (my hubby) said calmly that we have to take each of these events my pain and surgery, my dads death, and my moms illness as different things. We can’t group them all together as one big bad entity that has happened. It’s hard not to but in doing that I was unable to calm myself. I felt like the world was in Armageddon.

So I began to take each thing as it came. I went to my mother in the intermediate ICU and dealt with that not thinking about the other things that have bombed my life. Even when Kevin got the stomach flu while we were at my mothers in PA and my daughter hit a deer while driving back in MD (humans ok ,car not ok,deer?) I tried to keep everything seperate. It wasn’t easy.

The flu is what took my mom to the ER that night. Her other health issues caused her health to fail quickly and somehow she managed to call 911. Though she doesn’t remember it. I am a woman of faith so I feel that was the grace of God that got her on that phone. I had tried to call her earlier that night but she didn’t answer. So I am thankful for whatever intervention occurred that made her grab that phone.

The first few days my mom was in the hospital were very hard. She was in a ventilator and it was so hard to see her like that. There were so many doctors to talk to and nurses as well. The staff at that hospital were really so great. The doctors as busy as they were spent time with me and helped talk me of the ledge when I wasn’t understanding something or I let my mind get too far ahead. Something I often do.

I thank my husband for helping me compartmentalize the things that were going on in my life. It made me able to cope with my moms issues without falling apart. That man has been my source of strength. He doesn’t even realize it. When I’m just a little hesitant to take the next step he is often able to take it with me so I don’t get stuck.

The one good thing about my mom getting ill -and it’s hard to think there was anything good about it – is that I got moving. I wasn’t getting out of bed enough after my surgery. And having to be up and about going to the hospital and walking all the way to her room and standing more was all good for my healing.

Oh and another good thing is the time my brother gets to spend with my mom. They don’t see eachother often and he was able to come up and be there with her. This is an important thing in building their relationship. We both lost our dad and that left a huge chasm and I think it’s so important that this relationship blossom between my mom and brother. We both aren’t ready to not be someone ‘s child. I’m not ready to be that grown up. I know that.

My mother is off the vent and recovering well. The next step for her will be a big step as she will move in with us as we figure out how this will all work. There are many things to consider and find out in the near future. And I have a funeral and burial for my dad next week and of course Thanksgiving. It’s rather overwhelming. But I will take each thing as a separate thing and deal with whatever comes my way.

Because things could be much worse. We could’ve been burying two parents. And if my mom reads this she will gasp. But we aren’t doing that. We are -very sadly -burying one. But we still have our mom. I realize what could have happened and I’m so thankful for what I have.

It’s been a hard time. And I told Kevin the other day “all this stuff that has happened reminded me that I am strong.”

I think over the summer I began to doubt my strength as I lay in pain and depair. Or maybe it was being chipped away at over the last hard few years. There were times where I honestly didn’t know if I wanted to be here. Pain is a terrible companion. But now I realize I have much to live for. And I am slowly healing from my surgery. And I am getting stronger each day.

I just have to keep going. Even on the hard days. I’ve dealt with so much lately I need time to recover – to grieve and to give thanks. It might be a while before I can take a real breather but I will try each day to spend some time just letting myself have a moment to just breathe and give thanks for what I have and to let myself cry over the loss of my dad. To just let go.

It’s been a hard time and I scarcely can get my mind around it all. I’m happy I found a therapist talk to. It will help I think. It’s an important thing to help me heal. To help me deal with the next thing. Because there are always “next things “.

Perseverance. It means just keep going. It’s a big pretty word. But it its meaning is simple -but sometimes -so hard to do.

I sure am trying to do it.

Photo: My moms dog Suki.

The day after..life goes on.

I woke up today not knowing the results of the election and Kevin had to give me the news. I begged him not to but he felt I better hear it from him than on social media. He knows I’ve been through a lot lately.

This is certainly not how I thought the election would go. I didn’t vote. I firmly felt I could not vote when so much hate was being spewed around this election. And in the end my state went blue. That was expected

But this election outcome is not the outcome I expected.

And I will say neither candidate floated my boat but one worried me much more and he won. But lets see – looking at my life the last three years and all that’s happened just in my own personal space – I shouldn’t be shocked. If something I think should be right side up turns upside down it shouldn’t shock me anymore. But this election outcome kind of does.

Well what do I do with this?

Live. I’ll live.

And yes I’ll allow myself to think of the fastest way across the boarder if things get really crazy. I will try to will myself not to worry over the stock markets and housing markets as they react to this news.

People wanted change – I guess – and they got it. And I’ll hope that the ranting Trump realizes as he awoke today (if he slept) what a freaking important job he just got. Maybe he can put the ego aside some( I would have said this about Clinton too) and keep his hands to himself (I would not have said this about mrs C -but well yes I would said this about her hubby) and get down to doing a great job of being President. Maybe dial the personality back some (Some people would insert -the crazy -here but I won’t.) and remember the entire world is watching -the places we like and the ones we don’t. He needs to know that he now represents more than himself. He represents us. He needs to keep his head about him and learn to think before he acts.

I want to stay away from social media today but I’m sure I won’t. Kevin told me people have posted all kinds of things. “Racism won” was one thing he told me before I asked him to not tell me that stuff right at that moment BC I hadn’t even had breakfast. Because I’m not even going to engage in any of that. Why feed into it the frenzy -it will die down. I hope.

I have my worries. I would’ve said this about Clinton too. Its just that my set of worries for Trump are little more scary than my worries were for Clinton .

And I am bummed we didn’t get our first woman President -but we will. The fact that Hilary Clinton was possibly going to be the first woman prez and it wasn’t part of the in your face marketing campaign during the election says to me that we don’t think it’s a big deal anymore we just expect it to be something that will happen. Just like now we will never be shocked if a person of color runs and wins. Our younger generation has high expectations for woman –they don’t seem to see boundaries where other generations of woman did- and I hope in this next election in four years that we will see more woman seek the nomination.

I chatted with a friend on the phone this morning and she was not a Trump supporter and when I saw her name pop up on my phone I thought she was calling to lament about it -we never really have talked politics -we have been friends for almost 50 years our connection transcends that of politics – but I thought she must be calling to lament bc I assumed she must be so upset. But she didn’t jump into that topic until well into the conversation when I mentioned it and she just said “ugh”. She had other things of concern to chat with me about – she had already gotten on with her life.

So there’s no point for me to lament or get upset about the gloating or feed into the negativity that I’m sure to see on social media. I have so many other fish to fry. (Now I’m hungry for fish and chips). I just need to live my life.

That not to say the Presidency isn’t a big deal. It is-but all I can do is pray that Trump will cool his jets some and listen to his advisors who I also hope are really really really good. Maybe he will put his daughter Ivanka in some position. She carries so much class I can hardly believe she his kid. And BC she is, I hope that maybe he has a better side than we have seen. And I am praying that this is the side that will be brought out when he realizes that this is for real -that he’s the freaking President of the United States. He needs to act Presidential. He needs to make decisions for all of us not just the choices he likes at the moment. And I certainly will pray that he leads from place of care and love and not a place of hate. (And I would also have said the same if Clinton had won. )

I realized after chatting with my friend that the sun doesn’t rise and set focusing on this one thing. In a few days this news will be old news. If anything we Americans have short attention spans. And we have lives to live. We have so many shows to binge watch.

I’m praying for a lot of good things to come out of this very hateful election. Maybe that’s crazy but that what I do.

But ultimately I’m going to just go live my life. And I’ll definitely keep my sense of humor because I’ve found that it comes in handy when under duress. And I’ve still got my eyes on the fastest way to the borders – the ones without the potential walls -and I’ll make sure one of the big cars has a full gas tank at all times.

Life goes on.

Recovery and getting help.

My wonderful husband Kevin has been worried about my surgical recovery in the aftermath of my fathers death. It takes a long time to recover from nerve surgery and I haven’t been sure how I’m supposed to be feeling. I notice small improvements but then I’ll have a bad day. Physically and emotionally.

I’ve been a wreck about my dads passing and we are planning his funeral and when you are trying to get family in from out of state and kids in from colleges and high school teens schedules it gets a bit crazy. So Kevin has taken over some of the calling to funeral homes and to the reception place. I’m sure passing some of this off is a good thing. Giving up control to others is not easy for me. I’m a good planner but I’m just not up to doing all that I’ve been assigned. My brother and I have been splitting tasks and he already planned the memorial for dad in Florida. I feel I need to really help plan the funeral up here in DC. But I’m going to have to give up some control. I need to heal.

Since Kevin was worried about my recovery so was I. I encouraged him to write my surgeon. Which he did. And yesterday on a Saturday he wrote kevin -twice-back asking some questions and concerned about how this death and the grief I’m carrying is effecting my recovery. He is a great man. I’m lucky we found him. He asked if I was moving enough. He also wants to see me next week. He thinks I need to get into PT. In a pool. If it’s warm I’m cool with that!

Kevin told me what my surgeon said so I thought about it. I’m not moving enough I’m stuck. I feel like when I get up I can’t do much and I often end up hurting. I’ve been walking but not enough. I’m not trying. I’m down.

So I decided to get my butt up. I popped a little more percoset. (I take less than 1/2 a pill a day. I’m so weird about meds.) but the amount I take helps so that’s good. I got my shoes on and I went outside with my phone and just walked around. I took pictures and I took a walk. Then I came back in the house a couple hours later and I didn’t go back to bed until bedtime. I hurt some but I was ok. I felt kind of normal though. Like a person living in my home. Not a patient.

It’s been easy to just stay in bed BC it hurts to get out but once I do I realize it’s what I need to do. I need to recover physically and mentally.

I’ve had calls from caring friends. A couple encouraging me to seek therapy BC I have been through so much. My friend Jon told me that he knew I was strong but I had been through more stuff in a short period of time and I needed to seek professional help. I think he worried I might be upset but I so appreciate that he cared. It has been a horrible time and he reached out. I’ve been to lots of therapy so I fully agreed I needed to go. But getting my butt there might be hard. But I decide not to listen to all my buts.. I knew I wanted a person older than I am so I found Polly and she sounds nice and caring and I am hoping to meet her next week. I will be downloading on her (a new term I’ve seen streaming tv shows). She may be on the floor after I finish!

I’m thankful to Jon for saying point blank “get some help”. I was in a bad place for a long time even before my dad passed. Jon ignited a spark in me to get myself together again. I need help to do it. Therapy will be a gift to me.

So yesterday I took some photos on a gorgeous fall day. I wanted to share them with you. I love fall the the season changing and it reminds me that I am in a tough season of my life but my season will change. But I need to have my mindset right and push my body some to get there.