the box on the porch

It doesn’t feel like Christmas to me. It just feels like December. Or some other cold month. I have an old Walmart tree set up in our dining room. It’s lights that came on it only half working. They stay lit all the time and I’m still not motivated to get the ornaments out of the basement to decorate the poor thing. And sadly neither are  my kids or my husband.  My mom has offered to decorate it. I think I’ll take her up on it. Maybe when the boxes come up they’ll be a bit more interest. 

I bought a cheap Home Depot wreath. It looks kind of crappy but our front door looks crappy as it’s in need of painting inside and out. It really needs replacing but that’s another thing I don’t care about much now.  

I’m not doing cards. I’ve told myself maybe I’ll do New Years cards. I’ve sent cards out for years not missing a year since we married in 1999. Even in my cancer year I got New Years cards out. But was it BC I wanted to or because I felt guilty if I didn’t? Will I feel the same pressure this year? So far the answer is nope. Imagine the newsletter I would be writing this year if I actually opted to write those things?! It’s better for people to read my blog so you get my news in doses. It’s better for the heart. 

I figure I feel what I feel. I can’t make myself feel Christmas. I’ve bought gifts and I even wrapped a gift. One that was delivered to the front porch unwrapped. It was for my husband ,kevin, and since it was too big for me to lift post surgery, I decided to somehow wrap it as it sat on the front porch. I did just that- wrestling with the heavy rectangular box. It was not the easiest of endeavors and I cussed a few times-Frustrated that I can’t move heavy stuff but then Realizing there was no place to hide the thing anyway so the wrapping would have been needed if I wanted it to be a surprise. 

Before kevin got home I texted him alerting him to the wrapped gift on the porch and why it was this way. He said he’d ignore it and the boys could move it into the garage when they got home from school. I guess I should be glad it arrived when he was out at a meeting. Much of the time he’s home working so that was lucky he was out that day. 

The wrapping didn’t put me in the spirit. I may have forgone the wrapping opting just to give him the gift early but this man deserves a couple fun surprises. He’s literally a saint in my eyes. It’s been a tough few years on me but we can’t leave kevin out of the mix. He’s been the glue that kept me from breaking. This year is a hard holiday for him. He lost his dad last Christmas Eve and got through the holiday in that post loss shock.  He says this year is much harder. And the house he grew up in will no longer be part of the Christmas holiday as it’s being readied for sale as my mother in law is now living in assisted living.  So the man needs a few wrapped gifts to open. 

I’m just going with this lack of spirit. I’m not going to force myself to be anything but what I am. I am not depressed. I just don’t have that thing I usually feel around this time. Maybe it’s anticipation – a little excitement. That spark is missing.  And I’m ok with it. It’s been a helluva time in tha last few months. I miss my dad. Im healing from surgery and my mom just moved in.  I’m going to take each day and let it be what it needs to be. Today I feel pain because I overdid yesterday and I feel a little irritated by that but today I’ll have to take some pain meds and chill. No doctors appointments for my mom so I’m free to relax. 

My kids are the ones I feel bummed for. But they are teens now and I don’t feel like I need to be the driver of their feelings over the holidays but sometimes I feel that my moods are then litmus tests of how others feel in this house or at least for the overall feel of the house. When I was in pain all summer and stuck in bed  the house had a sad din to it. And it looked it. And we are still trying it catch up on all the cleaning that didn’t get done. I am the driver of this home I guess.  I just don’t want the pressure of having to make other people feel the Christmas spirit. Sorry but I just need to opt out this year. 

I did order our dinner from Wegmans. I went off tradition getting fried chicken and BBQ pork sliders. I can’t cook a giant meal anymore. My body can’t do it. And so I’ve come to love the simple heating up of food on holidays for the last couple years. Anyone can help. That’s the plus. 

I’ve bought a few small gifts for my kids but I alerted the teens that they would be left to their own devices because we were giving them money this year. Maybe it will be fun to see what they pick for themselves. Or frustrating. It’s all in the attitude.  

This weekend kevin and I are going to a nearby resort to have dinner for my birthday. Maybe that will give me some seasonal spirit. If not it’s ok. I’ll be ok. The family will be ok. Lack of spirit doesn’t mean lack of love. 

And we have plenty of that.