When I’m 54

Five four

Fifty four. Today I’m 54.

19710 days alive on this earth. This beautiful, wonderful, terrible, scary, joyful, glorious, sad, happy earth.

That seems like so many days. That number is big. That’s 2808 mondays, tuesdays etc. that I’ve been around for. I was thinking today that I missed a few of those days or most of one or two or so – but that was during college and I needed a recovery day. Wink wink.

So many days. Each one different. Each one with surprises and joys. Some with hardship and pain.

But then I was thinking I’ve had 54 (almost Christmases) , that doesn’t seem like that many. And only 54 birthdays. That doesn’t seem like that many right?

If we are lucky we could get 100 birthdays. That 36,500 sunrises/sunsets. But we don’t know how many days we have so I don’t want to take any for granted but I will. I’ll waste some. Some days I might not feel good. Some I’ll just be so crammed with things that I won’t take time to even register it. It’s life it’s what we do. But some days I will turn to face the wonder of this world. It’s easy to focus on the bad stuff but there is such wonder.

Did you know that otters sleep holding hands? So stinking sweet?

Or caterpillars completely liquefy as they transform into moths? What?

Or two-thirds of the people on earth have never seen snow! Wow they need to see it, feel it, it amazing ( and cold!)

Or hummingbird weighs less than a penny? I knew this only because I saved one once and I’ll never forget it. It was a moment I didn’t take for granted. A magical moment.

Thank you 54. Thank you 19710 I’ve learned so much….

And your welcome for the fun facts ….

Have an awesome day -I’m going to eat cake…:)

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Fun facts credit: all-that-is-interesting.com

Buying a Farm(and recovery update)

Well I haven’t written in a few weeks. I have been recovering from my surgery which I will update on in a minute. I have good news on that. But the biggest news is WE Bought the FARM…as in really we purchased our little farm we have been living on and renting for the last seven years…finally it happened! It’s a little surreal.

Ok so I am bouncing around on topics but a quick update on my recovery from surgery. Oddly my abdomen still hurts. That is where the donor fat was taken from. The area where my pain was -and where they put the donor fat- feels pretty good! The abdomen is manageable and will heal up. Its just achy some- I am just being a baby!

But the best news is that my area of pain that has rendered me pretty disabled not only because of pain but also because I lost range of motion in my arm because I have radiation damage is very much improved! I am a bit afraid to get too excited. I still have some pain but its dialed back quite a bit.

I haven’t taken any opiate pain meds in weeks. Which is huge. I have begun to decrease my nerve pain med slowly – which is protocol- and I have done very well with the decrease. Today I went to see my surgeon and realized when I got home I hadn’t taken the nerve med this AM! If I had done that before this last surgery I would have known on the way to the surgeons office. I would have been in terrible pain! So heres hoping. My surgeon was quite pleased with the progress. I am certainly doing more so that is my litmus test.

Back to the farm news…

Seven years ago when we moved here we rented with the intention to buy the home after one year. There are so many reasons that that didn’t happen. Financial, health… And after being here seven years in an old house not being able to make many updates we were thinking maybe we would move next summer to the beach full time. We have the house there, we love the beach but….

every time I walked along the lane I thought about the last seven years. The last four have been tough after the cancer and the financial struggles and I have had many moments of thinking of boarding the horses again and living on a small lot…so much less work. But…

I would look around at the land – its beauty. The space. I felt like I wasn’t ready to give that up. We certainly didn’t choose this place based on the house – it was old and it shows it. It might be easier to move to the beach full time. But to not see the horses out the back window and to not have any chickens in the yard… I would miss that.

Our beach cottage is in a neighborhood and I am not ready to do a neighborhood again full time right now. Sometime- but not now. Plus I want the beach to be a special place not an every day place just yet. I still like to get that excited feeling when we cross the bridge. When I am there I don’t want to leave. I like that feeling- knowing its that special every time I go there.

So there I was not ready to go. My teens are not quite ready to be on their own and they are possibly going to Maryland State schools for college- being a resident would help the tuition. My mom lives with us now and she has health care needs and we have established doctors nearby and it is easier to keep that care here for now. And at the right price this farm could be a good investment. It seemed reasonable to want to stay here. So was Kevin in? Turns out he was. He’s like me – he loves the beach but also loves the country.

So we began to talk about the possibility and feasibility of buying this place. Could we even get a loan after a bankruptcy and foreclosure only a few years ago? Could we even work out a price with our landlord? Did he even want to sell after all this time? The house needed a lot of work, could we afford renovations? There was quite a lot to think about.

We took each question one at a time and got the answer. The landlord did want to sell, we were able to come to a fair purchase price, we could get a loan at a higher rate for now but a loan we could get and we can refinance in a couple years- even at the higher rate we still save money over continuing to rent – and we would have some money to launch a rather large renovation – which we would enjoy now and hopefully would help increase the value when we went to sell it. So we set off to buy the farm!

The loan process was very painful. It took over two months. I have filed some paperwork in my lifetime having adopted three kids from oversees and we have purchased homes before and sadly we had to file bankruptcy…all tons of paperwork. This loan was unreal. So many papers needed. And I was asked to resend things many times. After almost bagging the entire thing we finally got approval to close. One good thing in all of the crazy loan process was the house appraised for more than we paid. Two weeks ago we closed our loan! What a relief. It still seems surreal. Even as renovations have begun I am still getting my mind wrapped around the fact that we now own this place.

There is a lot to do. I am overwhelmed by the cost of it all. I am overwhelmed at the mess and the dust. And it is stressful. But what I remind myself of is that just over a year ago i was in the midst of terrible chronic pain that left me in bed most of the time. Now that was stress. This is really the good stuff of life. Making paint and cabinet choices. Making something old new again. How fun!

I walk along the lane and look at the farm anew. It is ours, the barn, the falling down shed and the little yellow rancher. Best of all the views, the smell of horses and hay…say welcome home. For me in many ways it is a rebirth….

and what a blessing…..

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Periodically I will share some of the renovations on the blog….

Here is our front porch before (crumbling) and after- and we also created a back patio. This is stamped concrete by Royal Construction/ArtisticConcrete

New Walk and porch in progress

Completed

A New Fear

I have been a swimmer for as long as I can remember. One of my earliest memories that I have is of me taking swimming lessons in the baby pool at our swim club. Following that I spent years on swim team and also just playing in the pool. Many times you couldn’t get me out. I’d swim all day.

I had a respect for the water of course but I was never hesitant to be in or on the water. I spent hours riding waves with my dad and friends.

In the last ten years I stopped going into the ocean as much -the fear then was stepping on icky things. I was more wary of the currents and undertow. Probably because I had little Kids and even if they had ease in the water the fear of your child getting pulled out into the deep looms large for most parents I imagine.

I still had a love of pools if they weren’t too crowded (that’s a germ thing-yes I got more leery of the humanity in a pool as I’ve aged and well it grosses me out if there are tons of people swimming in a small enclosed body I water no matter how much chlorine is dumped in).

I love the water and I really love being near or in the water. We have a cottage just steps from a Bay. But I now have a fear of deeper water.

I was out on the bay the other day on my kayak. Kevin was along on his kayak. It was a chilly day. About 55 degrees. I’m a new kayaker. I got a boat with pedals as I can’t use my arm to paddle because Of my issues with nerve damage and pain. I was thrilled when I got the kayak. I motored around last summer and if the bay was a little choppy I found myself feeling somewhat nervous. I am no longer sure of myself as a swimmer. I can’t really swim which because of my limited use of my arms but it really didn’t seem to be a huge issue last summer because the Bay isn’t really deep and the water was warm. But the other day the water was cold and seemed deeper and it was choppy. I had wetsuit bottoms on but just a jacket and hat on. And I was wearing boots. Wellington’s. Maybe not the best choice.

While on the water as I was traversing some choppy conditions I felt myself panicking. A full out freak out was just on the edge of my brain. I kept picturing myself falling off the kayak. Or it tipping. Me sinking as my boots filled and my coat became heavy. I feel the fear now as I write this.

I had a flotation device but not on me – it was secured on the back of the kayak. I tried to reach behind me to grab but my limited range of motion and the rocking of the kayak made it impossible for me to reach it. That was a rookie mistake not to have put it in.

I told my husband I was feeling very scared. Kevin told me to take deep breaths and as I did I felt myself regain control of my thoughts. The choppy water wasn’t really that bad. The boat wasn’t really in severe danger of tipping. I tried to enjoy what I was doing and concentrate on the beauty. I’ve lost the ability of being able to do a number of things since my nerve damage became so bad and kayaking gave me the sense of freedom that I’d been craving. I didn’t want to lose that to fear.

We ended the journey on a good note. I was calmer but I had a wake up call. I’ve definitely lost my confidence that I could save myself if I got into trouble. I’ve never felt this way before. It made me mad. Just one more thing that had been taken away because of my limitation and because my body is weaker because of being mostly bedridden this last year.

But anger won’t solve anything. I’m a problem solver by nature. So moving forward I need to figure out how I can feel less fearful in and on the water.

Over last summer when I first went out to sit on the beach at the ocean I walked up to the waters edge and watched the waves roll in and I realized even then that I was very leery about even attempting to wade in to my knees and not for fear of stepping on something icky –it was fear I couldn’t even get up if I fell into the shallow but wavy water. As a result of this I decided to head to the neighborhood pool and allow myself to ease into a better comfort with the water. During the first visit to the pool I ended up in the deep end with a swim noodle and I was able to ditch that after a time and then proceeded to tread the water and I practiced floating. It isn’t easy to tread water with one arm but it’s doable. But this pool visit gave me confidence to venture into the ocean at least up to my knees or hips. And subsequent visits continued to help my confidence. I also worked on leg strength in the gym when I felt ok.

So why the panic the other day?

Well I’ve had another surgery since summer. Just four weeks ago. I haven’t been allowed to do much and maybe kayaking wasn’t a good idea. Maybe I felt vulnerable. I’m definitely weaker. It doesn’t take long to weaken when your on restrictions to not work out or do too much physically. And I think the cold water scared me. Cold water can be paralyzing. But most of all my biggest obstacle that day was my own mind getting the best of me.

I am not an “I can’t” person but over the last few years I’ve said that more times than I care to admit. I want to be strong again! Mind and body. It’s so frustrating to try to get stronger only to be met with Pain as a result. But I’m going to try to figure this out. I’m not likely to kayak anymore this year. It’s getting too cold. I plan to be in some type of workout program. We have a gym in our barn so I have no excuse to at least try. And somehow I have to get into a pool. We have some indoor pools nearby. (Maybe they won’t be too crowded!).

I just want to feel strong again. I still deal with pain and that’s limiting -I have had three surgeries in the last year to try to get rid of it and it’s much better -but there may always be some pain I have to figure this out despite that. It can be done. I know it.

Next spring when I break out the kayak again I want to feel I could cross the bay (it’s a mile). I may not ever try it but I want to feel like I could. I want to no be afraid. I want to be strong.