We are on Sweeney South East Tour 2020. (SSET 2020) We headed south for a 14 day action packed work/vacation. Hubby gets to work and I get to vacay!

After driving 7 hours from Maryland to South Carolina we walked into our AirBNB in Myrtle Beach SC  around 7pm and I was hit with the overwhelming smell of plug-in air fresheners.  In my head I was saying oh crap, crap – this could be a problem.  I have an issue with perfumes, strong cleaners, smoke etc. It is a definite chemical sensitivity but it has improved over the last few years. Before I would have done an immediate about face once I smelled the air freshener- but I thought I would give the place a try.

It was a small place- very small. One tiny bedroom, tiny sitting area and bath.  It had three plug-ins (that seemed like too much for such a tiny place- what smells that bad they need to cover it up?) that I could find- I unplugged them all. I opened the windows. We went for a walk around the block. I kept thinking it will be ok- I can do two nights here. But when we got back inside and settled to watch TV , I was trying so hard to be a good sport but I was mouth breathing and I was tasting the smell…I could not get away from it.

I did not want to spend the extra money- airbnb was a no refund deal -but I was not going to be able to deal with the smell. I began to covertly look for a hotel –  on my phones Booking.com app- that might take us and our dog Rudy.  I found a few possibilities.and then I turned to Kevin and told him that this place was a fail and we needed to try to find another place.  He agreed – love him. He then walked to nearby hotels  to check if they would take us because the move would be so easy -no luck – some places are just too picky about the dogs size – discrimination.  Others just did not take dogs at all. But I was able to book a room online not too far away – just not as near the ocean. I just wanted to get there and get settled.

I packed up what little we had unpacked. Rudy – my dog- was probably confused.  What were these humans doing? But he’s a Golden Retriever so he’s always game for anything. We got back in the car and headed to the hotel. We were very tired at this point and probably trying not to snap at each other – so it probably didn’t help my snappy mood when we pulled into the hotels parking lot – Kevin got out of the car and went to check-in- and right then a police car pulls in to the lot with lights flashing and they approached some guy in a red winter coat with his hood on  -and then they frisked him and then began questioning him and another cop was talking to some other person in another part of l the lot.  I began to sing “bad boys bad boys, whatchya gonna do if they come for you” –  (and it turns out this wouldn’t be my last front row seat to police altercations –  we would witness a search and seizure at a GA rest stop days later- the excitement of this trip abounds!).

So as I said Kevin had gone in to check us in as I watched the drama with the cops unfold. I even unrolled my window to try to hear what was going on-  I know- I am so nosey! I really wanted to sing “Bad boys”  out the window but that wan’t in good form so I refrained.  Then Kevin came out and I thought he would hand me the key to the room we reserved ten minutes before (by this time I was not feeling super great about the hotel – but the choices were limited.) Instead Kevin said they are booked up. What? I booked it online…but the hotel blamed it on booking.com glitch and well we had no room, and their sister hotel  nearby had a poundage limit on dogs so no go. Geez. I just want to say that little dogs can do some damage too and they tend to be more barky, D – for dog discrimination!

Oh I was getting pretty freaking pissy. I decided to call the hotel chain 800 number bc I had called them when I was booking the trip – as we are booked to stay in one of these hotels in Florida – and I had been told they had no dog weight limits. So I was complaining. 

But I needn’t have worried….

The nice lady on the other end of the 800 number got us a room- it took her like way too long to arrange it and we did have to drive a bit more north of where we began – but she booked it. I was so happy that I agreed to be transferred to someone after the call so I could get $100 off my next stay….I agreed to be transferred but promptly hung when she did so…I was in NO mood for a sales pitch. But super thankful for the room.

So we finally get to THE ROOM. I am tired. Rudy is stoked bc he’s Rudy and always is stoked and Kevin is stoked because he knows my bitchy self can relax and go to bed —and we opened the door and in I walked and there was the bed -yay! and then as I walked further into the room this little bonus is sitting right in the middle of the room….

Need I say more……

 

I entered this year by walking a 5K with Rudy (Kevin ran)  and then Kevin and I  went plunging into the cold depths of the Atlantic for their New Years Day plunge. It was a 45 degree day in Delaware and the ocean the same temp..surely that would equal out the discomfort and I would feel no cold.  Not true, the water was shockingly cold – it took my breath involuntarily and it seized my stomach and I almost succumbed to a wave- but knew if it took me down I may not be able to use my legs to get up and back out. But I made it. It was intense as I had hoped. Exhilarating as I had hoped but it didn’t shake my funk as I had hoped.

I was in a funk. It was more than a funk truthfully.  The funk was full blown seasonal effective disorder (SAD) and it had begun in early November. Just about the time the cold hit.

A funk for me isn’t unusual and I have had SAD but it usually doesn’t hit me so early. I am fairly certain that the impending loss of my dog Ridley was looming and that and the cold, trying political climate we live in, and my mother coming off a six week illness that had her in the hospital 4 times and PT rehab for three weeks all played a part in this mood.

We lost Ridley about three weeks ago. I have been wanting write about it. But I just couldn’t – I wasn’t ready.  It hit me hard. It was time for that old dog but he didn’t know it. I miss him. I will write about it. Getting the words out usually helps me.

The words…why hasn’t there been more words on paper- the thing that could very well help me shed this mood? I have loads of excuses. I have been so busy! Really that is true. I have my part-time work running our little company which has been struggling and which needs extra massaging to keep it going. My last surgery and months of PT have allowed me to become active once again. I am taking full advantage of this blessing and have begun to get back to some old activities and enjoy learning new ones. I am not pain free and flare but I manage the discomfort with meds and trigger point injections.

Much of this deserves to be written about but I have fallen creatively flat. I can’t seem to make time for much of my creative endeavors. I find it hard to get my words out in the way I want to convey them and I find myself thinking I have no talent for it now – and that makes me sad.  I get overwhelmed.

These old negative feelings are creeping up trying to tell me that I am not good enough. I don’t fit in, I can’t write, I can’t take a good photo – and doesn’t every person in the world take photos now? Why are mine anything special? 

Then there is the self loathing too. That self deprecation is an old friend that really never goes away. This is tied to my body image and I can quell it sometimes but lately that voice sits in my ear. I can stare in the mirror and hate what I see. It saddens me. I am 56 now. Shouldn’t I have shed such negative feelings?  Again another thing perhaps getting out on paper whether anyone reads about it or not might help. But then there is that issue I noted above keeping me from putting words down.

But here I am today. I have gotten up early-ish and am setting words to page.  I am making myself write these feelings. There are so many times during a day that I think about writing. I might be doing something “exciting” or something mundane and I think about how I would frame the piece what photo I might use. So the spark is still in there. But it takes work now to get the words out.

Recently, I found out that a friend I met through my creative group some years ago is gravely ill and she is going to pass away soon. This has shaken me. She is young. Too young to die.

I was not a close friend but friend nonetheless and I know she could isolate herself from others. Even when she was present you didn’t always see her. I think she didn’t really want to ask for help from others. Many of us can be the same. It is hard to be vulnerable. Yet she shared herself in her writing…she allowed herself to be vulnerable because putting yourself out there- sending the words into the universe- makes one very vulnerable. 

She wrote (https://susanpopper.wordpress.com/author/slp711/) about many things and did it so well and took lovely photos yet always questioned her talent. I was truly touched by her writing about her childhood and her recent move to upstate New York.

When we were together she made me laugh and I loved her New York directness. She was also kind to me. So supportive during some tough times. I will miss knowing she is here in this world.

So I am sitting here today – writing – in honor of my friend Susan who would probably tell me just to get over it and just write – just do it.  She would tell me I am a good writer and she would make me laugh and I would have felt better for sharing my insecurities and my SAD mood may have lifted some. I wish I had shared this with her and my other creative group friends. So I share this now with anyone reading this. I share this with my creative group. I will write because I am able. Maybe not well but the spark is in there and I should get off my butt and just write- and we only have today. I have words I want to get out of me and into the world.

…..Kevin and I love you Susan….