Month: September 2021

Happy Birthday to a Sailor

Today my navy son turns 21. It will be the second one where I won’t see him – he was away last year in Navy training school. This is the first one where I can’t speak to him at all. Thats bc he is now deployed somewhere in the depths of an ocean. He is a submariner. He is in the silent service. One where once they are under you only hear from them via email and that only rarely.

This is his first underway – so it is the first for Kevin and me as well. It ain’t easy. There is so much he can’t say- like even when he is going or returning. I can’t say much here either. There are rules for so many things that I am just learning. I can tell you he is in a ride-along as a guest bc hi sub is in dry-dock and he has to do some things that earn him qualifications that lead to him earning a medal that will make him an official bubblehead (aka submariner).

I can only imagine from what I have read what sub life is like. I know he will be busy. His rack (bed) is small and quarters tight. I’ve read the food isn’t bad. And lets hope it is good- as the days (if they even know day from night) are long- good food must be a respite. I can’t imagine begin crammed with that many people in one place for long stretches. But the duty time become the times where they focus on protecting our waters and nation. The stinky sock smells become part of the journey and the mission at hand. I am proud of my sailor …but I am proud of him no matter what.

Selfishly I didn’t want him to do subs. Because of my own issues with claustrophobia and just fears of things I can’t control. Most control is an illusion but when he is on land I can text him and call. It has no effect on anything that might happen to him but for some reason that ability to communicate is a panacea for moments when I need to feel connected to my kids. It is very very hard to not have that contact.

I had no idea until I became mom of someone in the military how hard it is – especially when you first have your child go in. There is just so much I didn’t know. Acronyms for everything. I sometimes had to ask my son to explain something he said in layman’s terms as the navy way was too confusing. And your kid isn’t yours anymore – they belong to the navy…but that is just one way they fly away -i suppose. It happens inevitably—the strings loosen– but they are always attached from the mom’s heart to the child’s.

I am learning to let my anxiety go and give this to God. It helps some. But in the water somewhere on this earth is part of my heart. Today I made him a cake and we will eat it in his absence. But when he comes home – sometime- we will raise a glass and toast his 21st birthday – and have some cake whatever kind he’d like.

If you have time send some thoughts of love out to my sailor and to all of the men and women in the military who give of themselves to keep us safe and free. Many of them have spent their 21st birthdays in places where nobody but their bunkmates could wish them a happy day- if they know at all.

Maybe between watches my son will get in a game or two on his Switch with some friends. Maybe someone will get out of him that it’s his birthday. He is pretty tight lipped. Maybe he will know that at his family home far away – his mom made a cake with love for a young man with a heart of gold.

The sailor…

Seasons

This morning was a beautiful – fall is in the air. Shorter days – which I don’t love but the cooler weather I do love – great for doing more outside like riding my horse. I won’t lie riding in the hot humid din of August was not my thing nor my horse’s thing either.

Another new season is around the corner. Seasons… how many do we go through in life? If we are lucky we could get many. Not just seasons of winter, spring , summer , and fall but also seasons of change in our lives. New chapters that we have to navigate – some good and some bad – some sad and some happy. 

A year ago Kevin and I were empty nesters – well kind of – my mom lives with us but the kids were all gone. They – the kids  – are all over the place. One was in the sunny south, one is in the midwest and has moved from place to place out there, and one has been traveling where the Navy tells him to go – so far Illinois, Connecticut, Georgia and Washington state. 

The Navy kid just went on deployment – his first one. I can’t write about that yet – my heart is so raw. Suffice it to say being a Navy mom is not easy. 

My son who was living in the south has just recently moved home to Maryland to make a restart. He has a new job that he really is enjoying – and could lead to a career for him – and maybe he also will take some college courses. He is currently living in our bedroom in the basement.I was worried about him living down there for many reasons. One being the mess one young male human can make, the other that he will like it too much being home.

 We even bought a travel trailer thinking he might live in there for a few months and that would be enough for him to want to move on. But the mom guilt got to me so he’s in the house. 

So now we have a young adult “child” living back at home. We are trying to navigate it. Come up with expectations that work for us all. It is nice having him here (for now) and maybe when he is ready to find a place of his own it won’t be too far away.  I know our kids have to do their own thing and find their way but I guess I always hoped my kids might land not too far from us. We will see. They are young yet.

We have a pretty full house now. Sometimes I wish I had a bigger home! My mom lives with us so we have a number of generations under one roof and finding the balance of expectations that are comfortable for all of us is a challenge. We will get there I hope.

 There was a time I thought I could never live with this kid again. But in his journey south he matured and grew to appreciate his family more. And I matured and grew some too. So it is better. I feel good that he is here. We are getting along pretty well. I hope that continues. 

I have been unmoored some over the last couple years and maybe having a kid living at home that needs some help and guidance is a good thing for me.  But I don’t want to enable him – he needs to grow -and it is easy to come back to your childhood home and regress some. It is easy for this mom to fall into the problem solver and the appt maker and the food fixer. 

And to be honest I can’t do it all anymore.  I had a lot on my plate before he came home.  Helping my mom, caring for this little farm and the animals and working part-time takes a lot of me. And I physically can’t do what I did in the past either. So we will have to make sure we are all participants

I am trying navigate these seasons and meet them with gratitude and be thankful now for a full home. It is a strange time of life. I sometimes have big plans and ideas and other times I want to slow down.  I go between wanting to get a new job or going back to school and even sometimes moving to another farm or even state – to just being so overwhelmed by it all. 

Sometimes I wonder how I would ever find the time to try something new. I never make the time to write either. Sometimes I feel like I am just getting old so what is the point. Am I even relevant now? 

I suppose I am not alone in much of what I write here. We all face the time marching on, changes in family dynamics, aging.  All I can hope as the seasons change I am able to weather the storms and delight in the sunshine –  and grow from the experiences.