Friend

I don’t think I will write anything again unless I post my blog about my friend Mike. Sometimes if I don’t let words go out into the world it blocks my other words. I wrote this a month or so ago. Mike died in March. I am still dealing with it. It has been a whirlwind of a few months and I scarcely know how to wrap my mind around it all. ….. here is what I wrote…

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Seems as soon as we got the news about Kevins cancer and he began treatments we got hit with another sadness- the loss of our friend Mike P.  

I have been wondering if would write about Mike. I have so much to say. But when you lose a dear person in your life you realize there is never enough words to explain the loss and grief or what they meant and represented in your life.  Thats how it is with Mike. My words won’t be enough. But I think I need to write them so I can go on and write about other things. I feel like this is just something that has been hanging out there needing to be written – and I have been just to darn sad, and overwhelmed in my life to do it.

But now I am going to try to write about my friend. 

Mike- wow. Sometimes he could make you laugh like hell. And other times he could make you so mad!  He was smart as hell. He new how to fix almost anything and he knew the most obscure facts.   But mostly Mike was a good friend. He was one of my best friends… really he became family. 

I met Mike through Kevin. They had been high school friends – maybe even before. I have heard numerous stories of their antics back then…many centered around one summer in Ocean City , MD. Needless to say they had some fun.  

Mike and his close buddy Reid left the Maryland area in the mid 1980’s headed for California. They made it to Arizona – in the Phoenix area- they were out of cash and tired. That stopover – that was only supposed to be for a few days – became home for the next 35 years for Mike.  There, both young men found careers – Reid in teaching and Mike in surveying – and their wives – Reid married Vicky and Mike married April.

When I first met Mike in the early 2000’s he scared me. He was overwhelming. He made me a little nervous. I was a mom raising little kids. He was a rough around the edges, hard partying, and very intense guy. I think it was his intensity that scared me the most. You could feel it coming off of him. No wonder he partied like he did he needed to have something that tamped down all that fire. But Mike was a great guest in our home- sweet to the kids and kind to me.  He always bought me gifts to thank me for letting him stay with us. Once he got me a nearly life-sized wooden rocking horse(he knew I collected horse things). There was hardly room for it my house!

Mike came to see us a number of times over those years. Sometimes Reid was with him – other times he flew solo.  I noticed Mike’s incredible mind from the start. It was that sharpness that increased his intensity I think. But he was a blast to talk to . And he always had the most amazing stories. If you are to believe him he cheated death on more than a few occasions. 

Sadly his wife April passed away in 2005. I only got to meet her once before she passed. Losing her left Mike unmoored. She was the anchor that held his ship steady. Mike went a little crazy after her death. And in the housing bust shortly after her passing Mikes surveying business began to see less work.  And he had to close it down. We saw him once after April died and he was looking very poorly. I was worried for him. Losing his wife and then business was hard on him. 

Turned out he needed a break and he left Arizona all together for a while and headed to Mexico. There he took a job on a party cruise boat in one of the coastal towns. In his stories of that time, he told me he worked on tourist party day cruise boats. Part of his job was to jump off the boat along some of the small barrier islands to check for sea life- the safe kind -like seals and dolphins-  and the dangerous kinds -like sharks.  If it was safe the party goers on the boat could jump off and swim among the wildlife. Pretty cool job unless you get too close to the dangerous things!

Mike didn’t have the best health as he was a diabetic. During his time in Mexico he got a foot infection and it became so bad he went back to Arizona where they tried to heal his foot and in the end they couldn’t and he lost his leg below the knee.  We used to joke that maybe his boat job left him a good story about a shark biting his leg off. Mike liked a good amputee joke.

Eventually, Mike made his way back to Arizona and he moved into an apartment in Phoenix and this is where we pick back up with him again. He came to visit again – and I can’t recall if it was this house where we live now or our old one – but Mike was different.  Yes he had part of a limb missing – but it was something else. Some of the intensity was gone. He had been through a hard time – and losing April took some of the wind out of his sails. And maybe I was just different too. Maybe I lost some of my intensity as well. Sometimes we see things in others that are characteristics in ourselves…and sometime something we  find unsettling in someone else happens to be a trait we carry too. Mike didn’t make me feel nervous anymore. Maybe our auras didn’t ping against each other anymore. Maybe I was a little mellower.  Maybe I wasn’t as busy with my kids as they were older and more independent. 

This change in him or both of us allowed us to develop a much closer friendship. It developed over some years. But at some point we began texting – at first just the periodic check ins – then more often. On one visit he really opened up to us about some things that he had going on and I think that allowed me to see a side to him I hadn’t seen before. He carried a lot of sadness- many of us do. I think after that talk I saw this vulnerability that I myself understood.  I think it made us closer and more open with each other. We shared a lot – and I got used to hearing from him via text each day “What up sis?” “Beauty day”. Or giving me the weather report for his location. 

Mike could put on a lot of bravado. He definitely had some chips on his shoulders and sometimes that made him irritating. He could get stubborn – and even I as a close friend and confidant I could not sway him when he was mad. But he usually cooled off and came to his senses. And when I got mad he would let me vent but normally he had a lot less words of advice for me. He’d say “Rax it on back baby- don’t stress so much” ! 

Mike changed locations in 2020. He moved from Arizona to Gettysburg, Pa to be closer to his family and us (but to me by then he was my family too), His twin sister and her kids lived in Gettysburg and his other sister Lynn lived in Maryland. As well as other family sprinkled about. 

Mike got set up in an apartment above a comic book store. In AZ he went on Disability because of his limb loss – as he could not hold the job as surveyor anymore. So being close to family and in a small town where he had access to family, good medical care, and public transportation was a huge plus for him in this stage of his life. And he was about 45 mins from us.

Mike was good at trying to – as my dad would have said- “keeping the nose of the plane up”. He always had a good word for anyone – and I mean anyone he met. And he met all kinds of people. In Gettysburg he made many friends. I didn’t really even know how many until after he passed away. He truly was one of a kind. If Mike liked you he would do anything for you. Literally give you the shirt off his back. If you crossed him- and there were just some traits in people that he didn’t like – you would know it. But Mike gave everyone a chance. He knew more friends than enemies. He put on a smile even when he was down.

When we found out he died on a Sunday night in March I was in shock. Despite his many health issues – it took me off my feet. He was just 59. I stayed in bed crying the entire next day. I just could not believe this person who had become such a close friend- another brother really- was no longer here. No longer would I get my morning texts, “how’s my Anne doing today?”, no longer would we spend weekends on our little farm with him helping us out with projects, or all of us just kicking back and chatting. God I miss the crap out of him.  Sometimes I cuss him out for dying. We are never prepared really to lose the ones we love. But I know he is with his best love- April. He never stopped missing her. On every birthday or anniversary of the date they met or got married Mike would text me something about it. He hated being without a companion – he was lonely – despite his many friends.

But what I know is he limped on without her…that’s not a joke—-well it kind of is – I said Mike liked a good amputee joke – he would laugh at this.  But the truth is he wasn’t the same without her. And I’d like to think that last day after some drinks with friends he got home and all of a sudden he saw Aprils hand reach out from beyond. Maybe she said “Hey Mikey want to come home now? It is great here you will see.” and he didn’t have to think he just grabbed her hand and off they went. I know he would not have said no – it is my belief he is missing her no more. 

When news of Mikes death got around so many people reached out – from Arizona, from high school, from Gettysburg. Mikes funeral was held in a Catholic church in Maryland it was very nice, and it was hard for me – and very sad.  There I met some of his Gettysburg friends I hadn’t met before. I am so glad they played a role in my friend’s life for the time they did, they meant so much to him, and he to them .

Mike was a unique soul. He was my friend- my family and I miss him so much! I shake my fist that he left me. But I thank God he is out of pain physical and mental and with his bestest friend and love once again. 

I hope everyone gets to have a Mike in their lives because they will have the most dedicated and loyal friend that has their backs no matter what. Really – thats priceless…

I miss my friend. 

Rest Mike…Rax it on back my friend. Thanks for everything.

Mike – my friend

The hard news…

I think I am the kind of person that can’t ever be fully comfortable when life is going generally well. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I this goes back to my feeling worthy of good things. And that is another topic. But living with this wariness does cut back on joy and I know this. And inevitably because this is life – the shoe is going to drop. 

And that is precisely what has happened to us. My health, strong, sweet , best friend, husband of almost 23 years ,was diagnosed with cancer. I can hardly stand to write this post. I can barely except what is happening. 

 I never expected the shit show to befall Kevin. I was the one who had cancer almost 9 years ago, I was the one who had chronic pain issues and multiple surgeries after..I was the one prior to cancer who had bad anxiety, auto-immune disease and other maladies. Kevin was the guy whose doctors were in awe of his health, never having much of anything wrong.  Knees surgery for a patella tear, eye surgery to correct his terrible near sightedness, a few lipomas removes, a basal cell here and there and last spring what was called localized rare cancerous lesion on his upper back (but now -bc we have had all his records pulled- was shown to be benign on the pathology report) his track record was pretty good for a man almost 60 years young- until it wasn’t.

What began as overall “just not feeling my usual energy” – and he saw his doctor for this – bloodwork good – then he felt a bit better – eventually led to stomach issues that were very uncomfortable. Thankfully his doctor was listening – he saw a healthy man – even on all the bloodwork- but he heard someone who just felt off. AND he agreed with my suggestion that Kevin should have a test for H-Pylori (a stomach bacteria responsible for ulcers) as he had all the symptoms- and also at least a chest CT. The doc did better and ordered CTs of the chest and abdomen.

H- Pylori’s standard treatment is a bear… 2 antibiotics and bismuth (think pesto – bismal) and a drug like Nexium – multiple times a day for 14 days. I am all for the natural way to go with this but Kevin suffered through his standard drug regime and lost ten lbs bc one of the drugs made him so ill. There was not another drug option because of past antibiotic treatment that can make the H-Pylori resistant to things previously used. So he pushed through it. And he now is taking some natural things to further help keep that bug at bay.

In the meantime he had the CTs a few days apart..I think n Kevin’s mind and the doctors this was just as a precaution- bc we had found the thing that was making him feel bad- the H-Pylori – which comes with stomach issues and fatigue and other systemic symptoms with can vary for human to human. I thought the CTs were a good thing to have to reassure us all was ok. And yet something kept niggling at me – so I really would not let him put this off. 

When the first CT result came back that he had a large liver lesion his doctor felt sure was a benign hemangioma – but when I read the radiology report the radiologist wasn’t so sure. The niggling kept up. The next CT came back seeing the same thing and a small stress fracture on the spine. That radiologist was concerned this was possibly malignancy. WTF? 

My stress levels went through the roof. My fingers googled. I hated what I read. The doctor recommended an MRI. He still feel that because Kevin’s liver numbers were normal that this could not be liver cancer. There was an MRI- with still no definitive diagnosis. But something kept nagging at me. 

He then was directed to consult with a GI doctor who went over the MRI and even he felt this was all so odd. He wasn’t worried about the spine as it want mentioned on the liver MRI as anything but normal.  But he ran some bloodwork for liver tumor markers and they came back normal. A liver biopsy was then recommended. This was getting real. 

Kevin had that biopsy in early February. It took nearly 9 agonizing business days for any pathology to come back and the first report was still unclear- but it was looking like cancer but not primary to the liver – and some type of skin cancer was noted as being possible in the pathology report but the report needed to go to an expert hospital and we were told that was going to be Hopkins. Which was good because we wanted Kevin to be seen there.

We were scrambling to get into Johns Hopkins and were directed to the liver cancer center not realizing they only deal with the primary liver cancers. We were moved over to the skin cancer dept. and after more waiting things began to move.

For some reason his liver biopsy landed at Mayo Clinic and not at Hopkins which caused some delay – which frustrated me – as we needed to get to the cancer team asap. Kevin’s pathology came finally in from MAYO which said strongly this was melanoma. Holy crap. After a PET scan,  Kevin saw an amazing Dermatologist expert at Hopkins and he looked for a primary melanoma and told Kevin had he not know why Kevin was there he would have said “see you in a year” – his skin was fine. This doctor was so compassionate and made some calls and got the ball rolling and we quickly had an appt days later with the skin cancer team at Johns Hopkins.  

So how does this happen? We get our bodies checked by a dermo yearly- was there something missed? You go straight to metastatic melanoma? (I feel sick typing this).  This doesn’t seem normal. Sadly it is – in a small number of cases – I have read 2-9 percent of metastatic melanomas present without a primary tumor. The oncologist at Hopkins told us it is more common than that (and maybe more common at Hopkins since it is a research and teaching hospital so they likely see more rare cases). The lesions apparently can present on the skin but the body fights them off leaving small cancer cells to replicate inside the body. Anyway looks like this is what Kevin has. His PET showed the lesion on the liver and a probable area or two on the spine. He has had back stiffness for a while so this could be why he has a “stress” fracture in his back. He has a brain MRI this week. 

From Mayo experts to Hopkins pathology experts – his slides will be well researched. Hopkins is also looking at the slides from the lesion that I mentioned above from last spring too. Just to rule out any misread pathology.

While I want to spare this post from most of my emotions – I will say I have wanted to find someone to blame- someone to hate….In some moments I hate everyone and everything. I can’t even describe the feeling it just comes over me – I am so angered and gutted. This is the second time we have had to tell our children one of their parents has cancer. Once is hard enough…twice? Come on! 

But now I am putting that hate and despair aside as best I can (one second at a time, one minute at a time…) so I can walk this walk with Kevin who has to fight the fight to beat this beast. He did that for me. I need to do this for him. And how is Kevin feeling?  Well he is shocked at his body- he is puzzled by the betrayal. He feels dazed somewhat but he as always has the amazing positive spirit. He says he feels up to this challenge. He never pities himself or if he does he wallows there for a very short time and then moves forward. I know from experience that you find some amazing inner strength to take each step.

He now has the benefits of being able to get immunotherapy It is well studied on melanoma but there are no long term study data available as yet –  thus far the only study data they have is 6 1/2 years out from inception and those results show much better prognosis than before this option was offered. So that is a blessing- that gives us hope. It also doesn’t destroy the body as chemo can. It helps the bodies immune system to wake up. There are side effects and they can varying in severity. All we can do is take it one day at a time – one treatment at a time. 

He has begun treatment. Two days ago we reported to the wonderful very nice infusion area of Johns Hopkins new cancer center. Kevin received his first dose of two immunotherapy drugs. He will do this protocol every three weeks for three more treatments -if he doesn’t have severe side effects. After that it is monthly treatments with one drug – and it can be ongoing as long as the body tolerates it. He will be scanned again in May or June we suspect. 

Thus far , after treatment one, he has had mild effects of fatigue and maybe mild fever with some chills. He wants to try to keep his routine with animal chores and he wants to be able to workout  – though he has been told he can only workout mild to moderately. But I know how much being able to continue to do things is important. 

We are trying to get weight on him again and he is eating many times a day. We have also changed our diets to better eating habits – though we already ate fairly well so it is not a hard change to make really. Less processed stuff more whole foods. Less meat.  He met with an integrative doctor as well. I think this is a needed part of the team to help guide Kevin in his recovery. 

One day a few weeks ago I found myself walking in the field behind our house – I was pinching myself willing myself to awaken from this nightmare. Of course this was reality and this was our next thing. Sadly too many people have been through this. Some like us more than once. I read a staggering stat last week that cancer now occurs in one out of every three people! And soon it may go to one out of every two. This seems untenable to me. Where are we going wrong?  

I guess in the days, weeks, and months ahead I will share more on how Kevin is doing. I know there has been so much concern. I want to thank all who reached out and have prayed, sent good vibes, made meals, gave encouragement etc.  I didn’t mean to be vague about his diagnosis – it is just hard to for me to share. 

And I again I mean it – it takes a village. And right now we are fine as far as needs. He won’t be getting surgery at this point as I once thought. But I will be sure to shout out if we need anything. Blessings and love to you – from Kevin and me. 

pointless updates….

pointless update ? for writing exercise! …

I feel like the last two pandemic years have gone by fast and slow at the same time. I guess I never fathomed this would be our world for now almost two years. It seems unreal that this Covid virus doesn’t want to give us – and our hospitals – a break. My grandmother lived through the years of the Spanish flu – she did ok from what she told me -but she did lose an older brother to it. That is a loss that saddened her throughout the rest of her life. I only wish I had asked her more about that time. What it was like. Was it scary? How did they stay safe? I never fathomed that this would be our world 100 years later.

So here I am on the flip side of the holidays. I am just taking down my decorations. I am happy to say I was up for putting them out this year. Last year it seemed enough to put out the ceramic tree and a wreath. This year we had a larger tree- a $99 home goods find (love that place) – and other decor splashed about the house. I also planned on sending out cards – and I did send a few- but then I just got behind – or overwhelmed – or both. I really wanted to try once again to really dive into the season after last years flame out of the holidays and I did pretty well – the house looked festive and that made me happy. Its the disassembly of it all that is a bummer though – and time consuming.

After last years Zoom Christmas which included me trying to play the elf and have my kids -who were in three different cities- open big boxes of stuff while we watched – which brought laughs but was so weird- we decided not to do that again! We were going to have one child home for this Christmas. My Navy son got a 2 week leave. For this I was so very grateful. He was fresh off a sub deployment so I think having some quiet time and family time was much needed.

We had some family over on Christmas day and had some eats. It was a small gathering but very nice to be able to get together. For Thanksgiving we did the same (except none of our kids were here). We hosted Kevin’s family and my brother came from Texas – I hadn’t seen him almost three years! We left the invites flexible so anyone could cancel if they felt unsafe bc of Covid.

I guess we are trying to have some ability to go out and do things despite being in the midst of a pandemic. I am very careful and I am trying to still safely go out and live life. Maybe not in large crowds but to still get out and get things done and do fun things. My KN95 masks have become my accessory of necessity. And they go with everything. Sigh…

While we had my son home we wanted to take advantage of doing some things with him. Otherwise he would just game the entire visit and since I stink at it (and he didn’t invite me to play -probably bc I am horrible at it)there was little chance I would see him if we didn’t create some experiences for all of us. “Experiences” is a fancy word for doing stuff that forced us all together – and to do stuff and to maybe even – gasp – talk some during said experience.

So we went to the beach for a long weekend and we did a new years walk/run together- and really just chilled out. Then back in Maryland my daughter -who now lives in Chicago- flew in to join us for a few days. We hadn’t seen her for almost 18 months! Thats hard to believe! Again- experiences… some went well others not so great. One that didn’t go so well was us driving to a bowling alley only for it to be closed due to many employees being out with Covid (hey bowling alley owner? hello just stick it on your website or facebook page and phone message that you are closed- yes we called)-that was a bummer but an ice cream float experience waited at a nearby soda shop.. and we bowled another day- I won two out of three games bowling..yep and left armed because I can’t bowl with my other arm because of nerve damage. (I did use bumpers while two of my opponents opted not to us them(lots of gutter balls!)- so I had an advantage..will I take the win? –yep!….). And one day my daughter rode horses with me. All of her skills came right back. And we had fun. That’s what counts most. (and I am always grateful for my ability to participate in any activity after so much pain sidelined me for so long.)

I think we all needed to reconnect and these things helped forge that. My kids are off living their own lives and sometimes parents get put on the shelf. I remember myself back in my 20’s and I know that I wasn’t calling home weekly! And now we parents freak out if we don’t get a fast response to our texts to them. I now know how my parents may have felt as their children went out into the world. I guess it is the inevitable plight of parenthood….the letting go. So the reconnecting is special.

I have one kid who isn’t speaking to us at the moment. It is a bummer but I have now concluded that if I have 2/3 of my kids speaking to me that it is a win! If we get the trifecta that is a bonus! My kid that isn’t on speaking terms with us is mad at us when maybe he should be looking at himself. And I just don’t think he is there yet. He moved home for a time and it just didn’t work out for all of us. So he moved back to Florida. I can say in this situation I tried very hard to make it work and things didn’t go the way we hoped. I will give him space as he processes things and perhaps he will come around. I am always here for him.

I am trying to learn when I just need to step away and give my children space. It took some therapy to get there. I am a fixer. I want to jump in and fix their problems but I am learning I am not responsible for fixing my children…they have to want to fix themselves. I am always here to listen and give and opinion but only if asked.

When I had the two kids home I felt that old familiar mom feeling. That sense of purpose and place. It is not something I would have defined in myself when I was in the act of being a parent when my kids were living at home. I always prided myself on having many interests and I didn’t live vicariously through my children. But when they were all gone I felt the emptiness probably known as empty nest. I was surprised. I felt lost and as my kids went to find themselves – I have been left to redefine me. That is a work in progress.

My mom lives with us and though she can care for herself she does have health issues that require frequent doctors visits. And I have my own health issues so I have found myself in many medical buildings often during Covid. I go to PT weekly to get cupping to help with my chronic pain and I get trigger point injections every 6 weeks or so. I also have scans coming up and that gives me scanxiety.

It is what it is. I just try to move forward and enjoy my joyful moments- which include text from my kids- hint.. hint (they won’t read this – haha!).

So the pointless post -which I guess is kind of an update because I haven’t been writing much- is done. My message is life goes on – find joy where you can!

[My goal is to write more- it always is. If I can do it once a week or so just to exercise my writing part of my brain I think it will be good for me – ergo this post- but who knows if even that will overwhelm me too much. Its how my brain works now. It has been through too many surgeries (all that anesthesia!) and it has to deal with meds that take away some of its power to think straight! But my love of writing is always there. I have a million topics to write about…then I just don’t!. So we will see. ]

Be well- stay safe….

Bowling….Luke (navy son) would not remove his mask! Stinker.

My daughter learning the “gears” on my horse- Umay!

Dealing with “Stuff”

This past weekend I went to my 40th high school reunion.  This post isn’t really about the reunion really, but being there brought up some “stuff” for me.  And the stuff it brought up is not new to me. The stuff this time was dreaded social anxiety, dreaded “I don’t belong” syndrome. I think when these things happen we have an opportunity to look at it and grow from it or at least try to become more accepting of ourselves. and

First off I will mention that this was the first high school reunion I went to in.. well ..40 years. I know we had a number of them over the years. I had friends go and ask me to come and I never felt I could. My severe generalized anxiety just kept me away. Sadly it limited me a lot in my life and I had to push myself to do things that are everyday doings for most people. Like going to the store or picking up your kid from the bus stop or school.

 So I was happy that this was not such an issue for me this time around. My anxiety is dialed back some…either because of my age and menopause or maybe because of the meds I take for nerve pain – they are sometimes prescribed to help anxiety. I am not sure but I am able to go and do more these days – and when one of my very best friends- Debbi-  who I met in high school said she was up for going I said I was in. 

I have this recurring issue with social anxiety. Some people may not see that in me because I don’t present as anxious. I can chat away. But sometimes I just babble on…and this is because I am super nervous and just keep on going. I over compensate for my anxiousness. 

I can’t do more than one social interaction in a weekend. I need down-time.  I often deal with post event social anxiety – where I awaken at night and worry what dumb thing I might have said to this person or that. Then, I need to decompress  for a couple days just to feel “normal’ again.  Typically this issue does not include meetings with close friends because I know they get me and love me warts and all so I feel blessed I can spend infinite time -well ok not infinite –  that’s a stretch-but the time I spend with them is not in a heightened state of angst. 

I did not go into this event without some nerves. Debbi told me we could stay as long as I felt like it. We could leave anytime. That’s a friend who gets you – and accepts you. My husband also agreed to go to this event – God love him. He said “I am in this with you!”  He gets it because he experiences the some anxiety issues too. I am glad he decided to go to this with me. It is like you just know your honey and your good friends have your back. 

It was awesome seeing Debbi and Rick again and all in all it was a nice event- even with the rain. There was an old beautiful barn  – with music being inside played by various members of our class. There was a tent outside and best of all decent porta-potties. I mean for women this is appreciated! 

I caught up with some old friends. Some people knew me,  some didn’t remember who I was,   and vice versa (my memory isn’t great these days). I must admit I did take some liquid courage from a can of sparkling rose’.  It helped some but I could not shake the overall and familiar  feeling of awkwardness. Later in the day I found myself wandering alone and I walked into the barn and people were engrossed in convo’s or watching the band and I felt all of a sudden like I did back in high school…where do I fit in here? It was an amplified version of the feeling I have had much of my life when it comes to new friendships and social situations. 

It was really off-putting for me. Nobody wronged me during this event. People were just catching up with people.  I met new people and a cool dog..and a cow or two. This was my thing. My issue. I even saw a few people I thought I might know and I hesitated to go say hello. I appreciated an old neighbor who came over and chatted with me for a while. It was nice catching up.  Why did I begin that negative story that I don’t fit in? Why can’t I just flick the switch and feel more comfortable in my own skin? If only it were a simple flick of the switch!  

 I wonder if I am the only one who felt this way that day – or other times – when I feel like I rather talk to the dogs then have to make small talk with people. I think I am not alone in this- but when you are feeling it you feel like you are standing in a room in your underwear and all are looking at you laughing.  

After the event- that night I woke with my normal post social anxiety angst. Did I say the wrong thing? Can I ever fit in with people?  It sucks waking with these thoughts popping into my head! Pop pop pop – stop it. Shut up brain – it is 2AM!

Our high school years are a pivotal time so being with old classmates was bound to be kind of intense for me. A little PTSD maybe? My high school years weren’t those one would write about as glory days. Very severe family drama perpetuated much of my life then. A bad divorce between my parents and an alcoholic parent didn’t lay the best backdrop to the rest of what can be a hard time in our growth.  So it is probably not shocking that these feelings came up this past weekend.

Why is it so hard to rewrite this narrative? Why do I continue to deal with these issues? Is some of it just past stuff that I have deal with over and over and over again to learn from each time? Is there really the ability to fix this? Will I ever stop questioning my value as a friend, co-worker, or classmate? I am not sure. I can tell you it is hard for me to make friends with new people. And the less you put yourself out there the easier it is to not put yourself out there. Covid hasn’t helped. This for me is an ongoing process I think. A story that won’t end until I end my time here in this world. 

I think what I did realize is that we never rid ourselves of the younger versions of us. I have always hoped that my social anxiety and awkwardness would go away.  And I will say as I have gotten older I have stopped caring as much of what people think of me (hey that is why I can write about this) and my ability to face social situations is better but that nervous feeling just won’t go away. Some people are more comfortable in their skin I suppose. But we all have something. We all got stuff going on.

On Saturday I saw the young 17 year old Anne  make an appearance…well not see but I felt her in there. She came up to the forefront…she was shaking in her boots. She brought me back to a time that had many good things but also many bad. She deserved a hug not a chastising. So I gave that to her, I let her feel her feels. And I gave her the space to just be. She is loved and she has her people. She is love. She is me…I am her. We are one. I accept her.

As for the reunion it was nice. I don’t regret going even though I suffered some. In fact, I am proud of myself for going out of my comfort zone. I think it helps with growth and acceptance. And I got to spend time with my bff of many years. That in itself was worth the experience.

And I got to meet young Anne again and remind her she matters and no matter what stuff we carry we are worthy…she is, I am…you are…. 

Seasons

This morning was a beautiful – fall is in the air. Shorter days – which I don’t love but the cooler weather I do love – great for doing more outside like riding my horse. I won’t lie riding in the hot humid din of August was not my thing nor my horse’s thing either.

Another new season is around the corner. Seasons… how many do we go through in life? If we are lucky we could get many. Not just seasons of winter, spring , summer , and fall but also seasons of change in our lives. New chapters that we have to navigate – some good and some bad – some sad and some happy. 

A year ago Kevin and I were empty nesters – well kind of – my mom lives with us but the kids were all gone. They – the kids  – are all over the place. One was in the sunny south, one is in the midwest and has moved from place to place out there, and one has been traveling where the Navy tells him to go – so far Illinois, Connecticut, Georgia and Washington state. 

The Navy kid just went on deployment – his first one. I can’t write about that yet – my heart is so raw. Suffice it to say being a Navy mom is not easy. 

My son who was living in the south has just recently moved home to Maryland to make a restart. He has a new job that he really is enjoying – and could lead to a career for him – and maybe he also will take some college courses. He is currently living in our bedroom in the basement.I was worried about him living down there for many reasons. One being the mess one young male human can make, the other that he will like it too much being home.

 We even bought a travel trailer thinking he might live in there for a few months and that would be enough for him to want to move on. But the mom guilt got to me so he’s in the house. 

So now we have a young adult “child” living back at home. We are trying to navigate it. Come up with expectations that work for us all. It is nice having him here (for now) and maybe when he is ready to find a place of his own it won’t be too far away.  I know our kids have to do their own thing and find their way but I guess I always hoped my kids might land not too far from us. We will see. They are young yet.

We have a pretty full house now. Sometimes I wish I had a bigger home! My mom lives with us so we have a number of generations under one roof and finding the balance of expectations that are comfortable for all of us is a challenge. We will get there I hope.

 There was a time I thought I could never live with this kid again. But in his journey south he matured and grew to appreciate his family more. And I matured and grew some too. So it is better. I feel good that he is here. We are getting along pretty well. I hope that continues. 

I have been unmoored some over the last couple years and maybe having a kid living at home that needs some help and guidance is a good thing for me.  But I don’t want to enable him – he needs to grow -and it is easy to come back to your childhood home and regress some. It is easy for this mom to fall into the problem solver and the appt maker and the food fixer. 

And to be honest I can’t do it all anymore.  I had a lot on my plate before he came home.  Helping my mom, caring for this little farm and the animals and working part-time takes a lot of me. And I physically can’t do what I did in the past either. So we will have to make sure we are all participants

I am trying navigate these seasons and meet them with gratitude and be thankful now for a full home. It is a strange time of life. I sometimes have big plans and ideas and other times I want to slow down.  I go between wanting to get a new job or going back to school and even sometimes moving to another farm or even state – to just being so overwhelmed by it all. 

Sometimes I wonder how I would ever find the time to try something new. I never make the time to write either. Sometimes I feel like I am just getting old so what is the point. Am I even relevant now? 

I suppose I am not alone in much of what I write here. We all face the time marching on, changes in family dynamics, aging.  All I can hope as the seasons change I am able to weather the storms and delight in the sunshine –  and grow from the experiences. 

to loath or not to loath thyself?

I think I am surprised to find myself writing again. I really thought I would stop- I could not fathom sitting down to try. I thought over the last few months that- well it began before that really but came to a head over the winter – I had lost my way. I felt I was lost and was not sure of my purpose. I just felt stagnant and blocked. What little creative blood that was a trickle much of the time this last a couple years had become a drip drip drip. I know it is there as I feel it light up sometimes. Today I felt it when I received a notice of a local photo contest. And yesterday when some uncanny thing happened involving the IRS – maybe uncanny is the wrong word when using it with IRS – I heard the thought in my head- “you should write about this”. But as with so many of those same thoughts, with that spark that comes with those thoughts the light quickly flickers out.

This past couple years has been hard for me and my family. I guess I would venture to say since my cancer in 2013 things have been tough. There is nothing like a serious illness to change the dynamic of the family. I think I have been harboring a lot of guilt over my getting ill. I had no idea that my cancer treatments would lead to years of chronic pain and my just being unable to be the mom my teen kids probably needed. Sometimes I was someone I did not recognize. And this all during their neediest years. Forget toddlerhood – teens need us more than they ever let on.

I became an official empty nester in March 2020. Just as Covid began my youngest child went off to the Navy. That left me unmoored. I never thought I would be effected by my empty nest. I have my mother living with us, and we have lots to do around the farm. I have my job- even though it pays little. I have various hobbies (of course on hold in early covid). Anyway I was effected by his leaving. I know it was that he was going to the military and to bootcamp that made it worse. In bootcamp they can’t talk with you much if at all. You feel very disconnected and that is hard in a time when we can text our kids at any moment and hopefully hear back from them. As sure as I was that I would not have a life crisis I found myself crying – missing him, my two other kids, and something else… Could it be my identity?

I was shocked about this. And what followed has been months of my getting used to my kids being gone, the military owning one, the other two in various stages of finding themselves, and me doing some deep personal looking at myself. And up came so much guilt of every failing I had as a parent. And they keep stacking up! My daughter got pissed at me last winter. So pissed she didn’t want to talk to me. For like a couple months. This hurt. And also during that time a long friendship ended. That hurt too. There is nothing like the sting of rejection – especially by your kids-to get you to look into the mirror and try and see how things happened and if you can do better.

Learning how to parent young adults is an art. I will think that I am helping my kid- no I am overstepping. I think I say something constructive – no I hurt their feelings. And since they too are learning how to adult they themselves lack the expertise on how to communicate constructively. It is easier to just not answer the texts. Or to curtly say they need space. SPACE? If anyone should need space it should be ME – the mom! I get to say I need space before you do!

I went from anger to sheer sadness to anger and back during the time my daughter didn’t want to talk with me. I sent emails apologizing. And then I realized at some point this issue of my feeling so awful about her need for space was not about her need for space. It was somewhere inside me. The lost me. The me that feared rejection – this fear goes back to my childhood- dysfunctional family -blah blah- we all have some baggage! Just when you think you have dealt with your issues…and believe me I had spent years trying to deal with issues in many a therapists office- on a soft couch or chair -only to have these feelings of rejection pop-up when my young adult daughter got mad at me. Son of a gun.

Once I got down to the issue(s) I knew I needed to jump back into therapy. First working on how to be the parent an adult kid needs and also to look at these rejection feelings…this lost feeling…finding my purpose…maybe even what color my next vehicle should be…ok thats a joke. But here I am trying to figure out what this next chapter of my life will look at. Deal with the sadness over losing some years to illness and pain and to try to not live in fear… but most of all self loathing over the many many mistakes I have made in my life. For not being the “greatest mom ever”.

My therapist told me she has had no mother come in touting how great a mom they were. Most moms beat themselves up over their parenting at some point. And when your kids are young adults and out making their own choices and trying to become independent persons and inevitably making mistakes- (inhale Anne)-you want to help them to not fall down! And when they do it is so easy to blame ourselves for the fall. And when they tell you they want to figure it out on their own it hurts bc we know so much more than they do, right? So much more that we want to instill all our wisdom on them – and yet they would rather hear from an earthworm than from us…it hurts. Then you ask yourself what did I do wrong that they would rather take the advice from the earthworm over me?

And if you keep hanging on to all that stuff it will just drown you. Well it was drowning me anyway. I needed to get off the drama triangle- its a thing -I can come back to this in another post. I needed to step away. Let them live their lives. Let them fall and not feel blame.

I had a kid who two years ago had to go to a rehab for severe drinking issues. He went to Florida to a rehab and a half way house, then another rehab out-patient, and another half way, and during covid another rehab out-patient for depression. I felt terrible for him and for months I didn’t know how to navigate this world of addiction. I still don’t really. As we went along I did realize that I was enabling my son. Not to drink–no no. The drinking was a shock to me (I always thought I would know if my kids were drinking too much being a child of an alcoholic – turns out that is false). Turns out I was helping him too much in rehab and in his making his way in his half way. So I backed way off. We had to. He needed to figure out things for himself. But crap that was so hard for me. But it was a good thing we did it. I am happy to say he found an apartment this winter with a sober friend. Got it on their own. He is working in a steady job – and prayer after prayer -hopefully staying sober.

Just as these accomplishments are not my accomplishments neither was his drinking my fault. Why would I take credit for either?….but I would easily blame myself for my fails as a mom for his drinking. Logically I know it isn’t my fault but I beat myself up when I found out he had a problem.

The things I accomplish in therapy this time may be better for my kids as I learn to parent adult kids. But for me it will be granting myself forgiveness for real and perceived failures. I hope this will help me open up again creatively. But most importantly – maybe I won’t feel so lost and I can begin to navigate where I fit in. What I want for the next chapter. Anne 3.0 haha!

Navy Son – moving through training

I think I have written before about my trepidation about my kid joining the Navy. I have nothing against the military. I soooo appreciate our armed forces. I just never saw this son as a military man. He is sensitive and quiet and shy. I was also worried what may happen in this political climate. But I soon realized that anything can happen at any time -and he signed up to serve his country. He wants to be doing this.

Boot camp seemed to go so fast and was also so long at the same time. For me it was waiting for letters and phone calls. For my son it was waiting for letters and being able to make phone calls home and waiting through three two-week quarantines because of Covid! But at the end of June he made it! He became a sailor in the US Navy.

We are so very proud of him. And as a mom I am nervous still and I think I will continue to be. It is just a different thing to have a kid in the military. And if you don’t have one you just don’t know. Thats why there are loads of Facebook groups for mom of military kids. Its a great help I can tell you. And the groups are not only a comfort but a great source if info for this newbie military mom.

My son will be on subs. He will study to be a MT (missile tech). Right now he is completing sub school in Connecticut. Then he moves to Kings Bay Georgia to A school. This is where the MT training begins.

The Navy moves on its own time. I am getting adjusted to that. I get frustrated because patience is not my best trait. I was asked to send an important document to my son at his base – and it is now lost there somewhere! I can replace that one – but another document is now needed and I don’t want to send it! There is no replacing it as it pertains to my son’s international adoption and many items cannot be replaced if lost. I said I would drive it there! But you know Covid and no visitors- no leave – etc. I just have to chill. This is the military way. I am a parent but I don’t hold any authority. If the Navy says I need to send something I have to do it. So not I am trying to find the safest way to send this document.

I don’t know when I will be able to see my son. We haven’t seen him since March. Some families have gone a couple years without seeing their Sailors. At first the time went slowly and I was really missing my kid now it is better. I have moments of really missing him but mostly I am dealing with it. It is nice to be able to FaceTime some. But when he is on the sub there will be that time of no contact – except by email I think- but that is sporadic. That will be tough – an adjustment. I am learning to be more flexible I suppose – maybe…sort of.

It is hard- and I write about this as a mom and about my feelings. I deal with these feelings and accept my worries and fears because I know this choice for him to be in the military was his and it was something he really wanted. I also know it is a good thing. However fearful I am for him at times and however much I miss him – I still think this was a good path for him to take. He was lost- college wasn’t his thing, working and doing community college wasn’t his thing. Serving his country and getting education, a salary, and great benefits it a great choice- and it will have to be his thing for at least 6 years!

I see his growth in this short time. He is still the same sweet kid- but he’s is building confidence and learning skills. He’s been to new places and met new people. He has been pushed out of his comfort zone. And he has done it with great courage. I am very proud of him.

The Sailor

In May of 2001- eight months after my son was born in a far away place called Kazakstan – this little boy was placed into my arms in front of the airport terminal from where he had just arrived. My first child – my son. You have dreams for your kids when they are that age- you lay out a path in your head of what their life can be. I will tell you none of my three kids took a path that I envisioned for them! But they are making their own way – taking their own paths.

It is not always easy as a parent to let them make their choices. You want to help steer the boat- but in the end you realize you can’t. You can help at the dock to set them a-sail – you can be their anchor when they need reassurance – – but they have to decide their course. It has not been easy for me to let go and let live – I am not that easy going. But I am doing it- trying to keep myself from trying to steer the boat. Basically I am learning to shut up! Each of my kids is on a different path and I am learning you just love them right where they are.

Maybe this Navy mom is learning.

Zoom Trivia Night- during a Pandemic

Zoom meetingZOOM- whenever I hear that name  I think of the song from the long ago show by the same name. “We’re gonna Zoom , Zoom, Ah Zoom. We’re gonna Zoom ah, Zoom ah, Zoom. Come on give it a try…We’re gonna tell you just how…” I think that is how it went anyway.  Anyone remember that? Clearly Zoom was named by a much younger generation who did not know this show ever existed. Oh the limits we had on TV in the olden days!

Well , we Zoomed the other night! Yes we did. AND we did it with friends! We had a Zoom Trivia night. I have been seeing many Zoom gatherings lately posted on social media. My husband went to a work happy hour on Zoom. He said it was pretty cool.

Last week we took a Zoom stretching class with a trainer (who is also my sister-in-law).  It was fun! Well as fun as stretching can be when you have become rather inflexible! I have also gone to church services on Zoom. I think during this time this is a much needed outlet for people.  I am grateful to my friend Pastor Tom Atkins for having these intimate sessions.

I had been missing game nights that we had begun to have with our family and friends over the last six months or so and I was missing connecting with humans. Texting is one thing but seeing people and talking to them is another.  I  was also hoping to feel semi-normal for a bit- everything is so off kilter now. But I suppose there is nothing normal about Zoom parties – or maybe a few weeks ago it was not a regular thing to do- but the world has changed in a short time. I just wanted a distraction for a bit from the pandemic.

So I decided it might be fun to host a Zoom game night.  I was and am a novice to Zoom but decided to tackle it and create a meeting. It is not too hard. But a couple things I didn’t know cropped up. One thing I learned was that it we were limited to 40 minutes per meeting only so I had to upgrade to a plan that can be cancelled any time. The cost is $14.99 a month. This way I could have unlimited time for my meeting and up too 100 friends. Which was not the number we would have for the game night!

Once the meeting was created I needed to decide what games to play. I also welcomed input from those invited.   I googled the phrase “Zoom game night ideas” and got a lot of hits.  There are a lot of drinking games- sounded fun – but I was not looking for that.  There was a form of bingo and Pictionary and much more.  Feeling a bit overwhelmed I decided to keep it simple. Trivia. All invitees agreed.

Trivia it was but then we had to decide how to play it. I found a phone app that all attendees  could have logged on to and played together while we were on Zoom – but I wanted to try it out first because I didn’t want it to be like we would be on our phones more than we were interacting via the video app. The idea was to socialize- I can play Words With Friends whenever.

In the end I just asked everyone to bring some form of trivia questions to the meeting. And it was BYOB – haha.  Everyone was able to access the meeting pretty easily. We made introductions as we had a mix of friends and family playing. Then we decided how to play because I wasn’t sure of a proper format. Should it be teams or individuals.

We decided one person would read the questions and we would be teams and would have mini-games.  One person would read out the questions for that game. Each game consisted of ten questions.  Teams could discuss questions privately after each question was read as there is a mute feature. We made a 30 second time limit to get answers written down but really never needed that. Then we would score our answers and I kept tally. We played about 5-6 games.

It was great fun! We shared our guesses before we were told the answers.  We had a lot of laughs. We had 9 people total (our teen niece did opt out after a bit- understandably!). I did learn some things-

  1. Zoom meetings gives one a reason to shower, blow-dry and put on makeup for the occasion.  One sister-in-law thanked me for having the game night as it made her shower. I put on make-up – this was  because it was a rare social event and it made me feel normal getting ready -like I was going out. Except I wore Pjs to the event! My girlfriend that came posted that she was primping for  the event!  Oh what our world has become!
  2. As people had their adult beverages the talking got louder and it was a bit harder to communicate. But it was a lot of laughs!
  3. Live music is an added bonus. My very talented BIL Pat played a couple songs on his guitar.
  4. Zoom has the option of changing your background and honestly you could have a whole party dedicated to adding funny backgrounds behind you!
  5. It is something I definitely needed.

We plan to host another Zoom game night soon.  I really needed to feel connection with others (as many can relate to this) and maybe for a couple hours forget the stress and sadness that all the news from the virus brings. This is an unprecedented  and scary time but we are lucky to have the ability to connect in this way.  It doesn’t replace real human connection but it was very uplifting for me and my mom and husband.  For a while it was just fun and laughs –  and I got tidied up. So that’s something!

 

Navy Son – Part 1

No description needed right?

As my husband brought yet another bag of trash up from my son’s now empty bedroom I realized what made me so mad before he left…his messiness …no his piggyness ..his inability to pick up when asked…his incessant gaming and leaving soda cans in a circle around his chair like the fallen avatars in his games…these annoying things became things I was missing already. Of course I wasn’t the one cleaning them up. So I can wax sad here.

My son is now a Navy Recruit and he left for bootcamp Monday, March 23,

We got the call the at 3:16AM to be precise on Tuesday morning.  I was fumbling for the phone – but was awake anyway just groggy. When I answered I heard my 19 year old son’s voice – telling me in a very scripted tone that he was at Navy boot camp and he was ok, and he would talk to me in two weeks. I am told not to count on that call- it may be more weeks than that. It was a quick call. I got my I love you’s in and  I wasn’t sure I was allowed to say more -and he didn’t offer more-so we hung up. Now moving forward -no contact- (unless I get a that call  he mentioned)-for about ten weeks. This is going to be a tough one on this mom. Well at least I know he is safe.

We dropped him off at a hotel near Fort Meade Sunday night – he would be with other recruits most likley but it still felt so odd leaving him there. I didn’t want to go into the hotel because of the social distancing rules. I didn’t want to make a scene when I said goodbye which means any tear falling from my eyes because it would upset my son. I was sad that we couldn’t go to the base the next day to see him off. It was closed to civilians because of the virus restrictions.

I stood by our truck and hugged him tight. That last hug – watching as he fades into the hotel lobby- my heart falls a bit.

It is hard enough to send your child off to the military – but to do so during  this pandemic is so hard. I haven’t slept well in the days preceding his departure and the insomnia is still hanging on. I have had loads of tears. Tears because I miss him, tears because we can’t talk for a while and tears because I am afraid.

I have so many fears-  some rational and some irrational. I worry he might become ill? They are on a two week quarantine -and my son was very happy because he could bring a handheld gaming device and game for the time he was in isolation. It won’t get old for him – he’s a gamer and its one of the habits he has that I hope the military breaks. But if he gets ill do they even call us? He belongs to the military now so I don’t know what information we can get.

I fear that he won’t make it through bootcamp- he needs this in his life. He has lacked direction and goals – he needs this for his confidence and to mature.  I am so proud of him- yet so sad because he is gone.

I fear he will get hurt during some of the exercises- he has to breath in tear gas! That freaks me out.  He laughs about it!  I fear for him in general because he is not worldly and he is immature. I am told the Navy will change that.

I fear he will have the WTF did I do moment where he may regret signing up.  Who am I kidding he will have that…I just hate to know that he will be at a breaking point like that…but I want him to get past it. I know he can do this…but he has to know that too. I want the successes of boot camp to build up this shy, quiet, introverted, sweet, kind young man.  Also I fear he will change too much- will he become hardened – more closed up? None of this is in my control and I know it..it’s just the feelings I feel now. However dumb- I just have to allow myself the time to adjust.

But I am a mom and I know I won’t stop worrying.

I also fear this pandemic as a whole – what will it mean for my son once out of bootcamp? How do they keep them safe – one military man down can mean many down because of the ease of spread in such close quarters.  What if  -God forbid -someone in our family becomes ill enough we would want to contact him- can we?  I have a mild sore throat and stuffy nose and today and I am filled with worry about what it could be.  These aren’t easy times.

These are my own feelings and I never projected these on to my son as he prepared to leave. he deserves a mom who can keep it together while he got ready for the biggest thing in his life thus far. And before he left I kept it together mostly by being in denial that he was going.  I helped him get his new bank account set up and I pestered him about getting his room clean and clothing put away before he left…he made a feeble attempt…I am told the Navy can change the slovenly into much neater humans! Let’s hope for that!

I just never let myself get too close to the feelings of him going until we had that last hug and the string that ties together got longer and longer.

The best thing is that Kevin and I are not alone in all these feelings – we have the experience of others near and far. Last week before my son left, I was told by my son’s Chief at the recruiters that there were facebook pages to join that could be a source of support during this time.  We joined a couple and these pages are already a source of comfort. It is comforting to be among those that are feeling some of what I have felt – and also it is nice to talk to those that have been there done that.

I honestly struggled with my feelings about him joining the military and I will write more on that later. But I am so very proud of my child.  The timing of it all is hard. With so much uncertainty now I feel like I want to have instant contact with my adult children  – just to make sure they are ok. But that isn’t what I have with this son. That will take adjustment —and letting go some.  Not easy for parents. Especially now.

….To be Continued….

 

 

 

 

 

Guilt

Author Note—Each day I have meant to break this unplanned writing hiatus but it just hasn’t happened. I have plenty of topics to write about – I just don’t make time for it- or when I do the words seem to fall flat. Usually when that happens I know maybe it because I am not being as honest in my writing as I should be. Sometimes there is a balance being able to be honest and keeping a boundary in my writing so as not to bring hurt to others I care about. Sometimes I just can’t find that balance and I don’t post what I write – but it still exists perhaps as a journal entry – or something I can go back to later. Either way the words inside me have been purged and sometimes- if I am writing in distress -that helps and there is no need to send it out to the “webisphere”.  But I want to make writing my habit again. I really do. So I just need to DO It!

____

Soon after my son – I am going to call him SonA- went out of state to rehab I found myself sitting in front of his PA at the primary care office we all go to. I was there with another family member about their medical issue – and there I sat quietly in the small exam room- but there was that elephant in the room. PA knew about SonA and that he was in rehab. We had briefed him on the phone about it. So I wasn’t sure if I should bring it up to brief him on the latest info or stay quiet. 

 I didn’t want to bring SonA up because it was my other family members time but between the hellos , how are you’s and getting to the medical issue at hand – it came up. It began with just an update. SonA was going to be moved to a transitional program because there was an issue with insurance. A big issue that had required involving PA -but that is another story entirely – but it had been rectified by the time I saw PA. SonA was to look for employment, go to group meetings daily and see a therapist weekly. 

We chatted a bit about addiction and mental health issues. And all at once PA looks at me and tells me not to feel guilty. I looked at him trying to form a sentence – was I going to cry? He continued to say that so many parents blame themselves for the choices their kids make and that I shouldn’t because this was not my fault. I thanked him and told him I didn’t feel guilty because I know the choices SonA made were his own. Just as any bad choice I have made over my lifetime is not anyone else’s fault. Even though I blamed some of them on others in the past.

But I wasn’t really being truthful – there is guilt – it is multifaceted. So often I think to myself – did anything I did as parent push SonA into addiction? Did we have a bad phone call while he was at college and he went off angry and with a Fxck You attitude and guzzled a bunch of booze and that was the domino that turned into alcoholism? Did I not try hard enough over the years to get him to talk to therapists we took him too- where he would chat about his brilliant ideas (and he is amazingly smart) but he would never open up about his troubles? I begged him to give them a chance – he really never could. Or as he was growing up did I add onto the trauma he already had from being and adopted child? 

I wasn’t a great mom. I was in over my head. I got angry, I yelled, and I spanked my kids. I believed in spankings. I don’t anymore. My dad believed in spankings, we got the belt, or we were threatened with the belt. As a mom, when the kids were young, I had many convos over spankings vs no spankings, time outs vs time ins etc etc. All I can say is in hindsight I have changed my tune on many things. But I know I thought when I was raising my kids I was doing my best – and I was. But now I spend time hating myself for being so rigid, so stressed- just not the mom I thought I would be.

 I have guilt that I am trying to work on. I have apologized to my kids. Told them I hope I was fun sometimes. Was I fun? I think I was. I remember shopping in Walmart so many times for art projects that we could do on a hot summer day, or after school. We painted, and glued. Once or twice we all made gingerbread houses. I played with my kids, I love toys and I loved to play. I remember all of us dancing in the family room to classic rock. So I was fun too. But I still have guilt. 

I guess when you have kids that go through hard times because of their choices any parent may feel some of the way I do. I truly know I did not make my son into an alcoholic, I know that my son has had some mental health issues for a long time. But what I do know is that we spend our lives trying to undo the damage that our childhoods inflict on us. I hate to think I contributed to my son’s issues.

I think even the kid who grew up with the best parents like my husband did will not come out of childhood unscathed. He himself is an alcoholic with 34 plus years of sobriety under his belt.

We never come out of childhood without battle wounds. As we are developing our brains as young kids – becoming a more fully formed individual -we are effected by so much around us.  Then we spend much of our lives making choices based on our early experiences and we inflict that damage onto others and but hopefully we give them our good stuff too- it is why there are cycles of the same behaviors in families. If we are lucky and we begin to see the issues then we can begin to do the work to better understand ourselves –  and we can learn how the experiences in our lives have driven how we behave…and then we can work to have better reactions and to make better choices. Some people never get to this self discovery part. So I guess I should be happy I have. 

But that still doesn’t take away my guilt. I just have it. I want to forgive myself for not being an awesome mom. I am working on it because I do know I did do some good things. But there are so many things I would like to redo. Maybe thats why some people dive into grandparenting with a vengeance so they get a redo. Some things are so much more clear in hindsight. We can do so much better when we have gained some wisdom. 

SonA called me early on in his rehab and I again apologized to him. He said it wasn’t my fault. He said that I had been a good mom and he had been a shitty son.  That hurt too. You never want your kids to feel so badly about themselves. 

I told SonA he wasn’t a shitty son. Had he been challenging? Yes. But I told him he was a kid and I was the adult and I have to own my part- there were times I could have done better – responded better.  He has a beautiful mind – a beautiful soul. He just has some things to work on if he will trust the program he is in and the therapist he is seeing. I don’t want him to live with guilt. 

Are we just destined to it? To live with guilt? Maybe when we feel guilty it is an opening to begin to dig deep into that feeling – own the mistakes, learn from them and heal. That is what I am trying to do. Own my mistakes – look at them and then work with them – if I need to apologize for something I do.  I try not to soak in the guilt because I get stuck there and that isn’t healthy.  I am a bit stuck now. I probably need therapy and will look in the fall for someone – I have so much going on this summer. Maybe I will pull myself out before then. Writing this helps…even if the mom police want to shame me. 

But the good thing is I am still a parent and I  get to be an improved parent to my kids. I get to make the adjustments and changes I needed to make. My parenting goes on though it has a changed role now that they are young adults.

But guilt can run deep. I have learned that others might forgive you, God forgives you, but sometimes the hardest thing to do is to forgive ourselves.