Uncategorized

updates and stuff

When I looked that my last post was June I really realized how this year has slipped away from me! I have written a number of posts but none have made it to the publish stage. More about why that is below.

Balancing act... life in picture!

I began taking college classes this fall. Yes old me!  I am taking creative writing (love this class!) and a programming class. I was a programmer back in the day- so I took the challenge of trying a new language. I had forgotten how you can pull your hair out over it! But it is fun in a way that is hard to explain. School has changed so much from when I went years ago. There is a lot of work!  And of course I study harder now than I did then because I care about my grades as I am not distracted by cute boys (except the one I am married to) and also I don’t feel the need to go out and drink beer until 1 am on a school night! Go Bobcats! (A reference to my school mascot- Frostburg State!)

I decided to attend school as a diversion and to get me out of a funk. The diversion from  being consumed with worry over Kevin’s cancer diagnosis and treatments. And the worry has made me physically sick and mentally depressed. My normal outlets like riding my horse – have been out of order because my body is out of order. 

I have a broken chi -I think- because things are falling apart! A new chronic pain issue – which I am very frustrated by but need to be a patient patient – is keeping me off my horse- I have not ridden since July.  I can do some workouts in the gym but they are carefully orchestrated. 

I also had a nasty gallbladder attack in July and have stones so the thing needs to come out. I have not scheduled that surgery because of the pain issue -but the GB surgery may have to happen if another attack occurs. I have lost ten lbs bc of diet changes as I am leery of getting another attack. 

And the last whammy has come from my cardiologist whom I see only yearly because of small non serious issue but one that needs to be monitored. It seems my latest EKG was “a little off from the last one” – its is not related to the non-serious issue – but I need a test for that- though she wasn’t super concerned. AND bc my cholesterol has gone up I need to get a test to see if I have clogged arteries. It is a type of CT – nothing invasive. Anyway blah! It just keeps on coming. I feel like our social life exists only in medical offices!  Is this a manifestation of worry and grief? Or of getting old? Maybe it is both.

This years has been sucky. It has turned our lives upside down. It has made us talk about so many things – past , present and future. We are pondering many things at the moment. Where do we want to be living in the long term and when do we make that move?  Losing our friend Mike was a hard one for us. His memory is on every fiber of this little farm of ours and at the beach too. There is this lonely place in my heart where he once was. It has been a sad time. Part of me is ready for a change the other is rooted to this little farm that I feel so blessed to have. But it is hard work. And sometimes just too much. So uncoupling from this place is part of the conversations we have. It will be a while for this to happen as other things need to come first but it is in the thinking stage. Sometimes life changes on a dime and you have to make choices in light of those changes.

When I had cancer it was easier for me to write about it. It came from such personal place but it was also a way for me to release my feelings instead of holding them in which is unhealthy.  Writing is cathartic for me but in my current situation with Kevin I am feeling very vulnerable writing about sharing things. It is just hard – even when it is good news to share.

So the latest on Kevin has been all good. The last scans show his tumors have shrunk a good amount. This is excellent news. His docs are pleased.  It has not been a cake walk, there has been side effects, and illnesses – one infection from food bacteria. And that took a long while to heal because with the immunotherapy the body hyper reacts to illness.

 His thyroid is shot but this is a common side effect from immunotherapy and they are leveling out his thyroid numbers now. He is tired a lot. But he can workout and has begun some running again. By dinner he is done for the day and to do anything later in the day is a chore for him. He will have to have this treatment for a good while even if his tumors go away. Melanoma is a tricky bitch so you can never let your guard down.  He will have more scans in December and I am hoping it is a PET scan as that shows some additional info that is nice to have. 

Kevin, of course, has the most amazing attitude. Well he is amazing. I have not seen him have a day where he is just really down about the cancer, the treatments, and the subsequent side effects and illnesses. Well except one day when we had to go to the cancer center ER for that food borne infection. But he was in a bad way that day. He is just an overall great person who I feel has been ripped off getting this freaking disease. But fight with grace is what he continues to do.

School has been very good for me. I am happy I signed up.  What I really am trying to do is live in the NOW. I want to be present.. I want to find joy in my day – I want to focus on the good news of Kevin’s cancer regression. I don’t need to be drawn to where the fear is. It is not a good place to live, so when I feel it I meditate or I distract myself with the challenge of school work. If I get a good grade – it makes me happy. If I solve a hard programming lab- it makes me proud – and for those moments I am not sitting in that sea of sadness. I actually feel thankful that I found this new outlet. I hope to ride my horse again regularly but taking classes might be a new thing for me. And for now it is has gotten me out of a bad place. 

Friend

I don’t think I will write anything again unless I post my blog about my friend Mike. Sometimes if I don’t let words go out into the world it blocks my other words. I wrote this a month or so ago. Mike died in March. I am still dealing with it. It has been a whirlwind of a few months and I scarcely know how to wrap my mind around it all. ….. here is what I wrote…

—–

Seems as soon as we got the news about Kevins cancer and he began treatments we got hit with another sadness- the loss of our friend Mike P.  

I have been wondering if would write about Mike. I have so much to say. But when you lose a dear person in your life you realize there is never enough words to explain the loss and grief or what they meant and represented in your life.  Thats how it is with Mike. My words won’t be enough. But I think I need to write them so I can go on and write about other things. I feel like this is just something that has been hanging out there needing to be written – and I have been just to darn sad, and overwhelmed in my life to do it.

But now I am going to try to write about my friend. 

Mike- wow. Sometimes he could make you laugh like hell. And other times he could make you so mad!  He was smart as hell. He new how to fix almost anything and he knew the most obscure facts.   But mostly Mike was a good friend. He was one of my best friends… really he became family. 

I met Mike through Kevin. They had been high school friends – maybe even before. I have heard numerous stories of their antics back then…many centered around one summer in Ocean City , MD. Needless to say they had some fun.  

Mike and his close buddy Reid left the Maryland area in the mid 1980’s headed for California. They made it to Arizona – in the Phoenix area- they were out of cash and tired. That stopover – that was only supposed to be for a few days – became home for the next 35 years for Mike.  There, both young men found careers – Reid in teaching and Mike in surveying – and their wives – Reid married Vicky and Mike married April.

When I first met Mike in the early 2000’s he scared me. He was overwhelming. He made me a little nervous. I was a mom raising little kids. He was a rough around the edges, hard partying, and very intense guy. I think it was his intensity that scared me the most. You could feel it coming off of him. No wonder he partied like he did he needed to have something that tamped down all that fire. But Mike was a great guest in our home- sweet to the kids and kind to me.  He always bought me gifts to thank me for letting him stay with us. Once he got me a nearly life-sized wooden rocking horse(he knew I collected horse things). There was hardly room for it my house!

Mike came to see us a number of times over those years. Sometimes Reid was with him – other times he flew solo.  I noticed Mike’s incredible mind from the start. It was that sharpness that increased his intensity I think. But he was a blast to talk to . And he always had the most amazing stories. If you are to believe him he cheated death on more than a few occasions. 

Sadly his wife April passed away in 2005. I only got to meet her once before she passed. Losing her left Mike unmoored. She was the anchor that held his ship steady. Mike went a little crazy after her death. And in the housing bust shortly after her passing Mikes surveying business began to see less work.  And he had to close it down. We saw him once after April died and he was looking very poorly. I was worried for him. Losing his wife and then business was hard on him. 

Turned out he needed a break and he left Arizona all together for a while and headed to Mexico. There he took a job on a party cruise boat in one of the coastal towns. In his stories of that time, he told me he worked on tourist party day cruise boats. Part of his job was to jump off the boat along some of the small barrier islands to check for sea life- the safe kind -like seals and dolphins-  and the dangerous kinds -like sharks.  If it was safe the party goers on the boat could jump off and swim among the wildlife. Pretty cool job unless you get too close to the dangerous things!

Mike didn’t have the best health as he was a diabetic. During his time in Mexico he got a foot infection and it became so bad he went back to Arizona where they tried to heal his foot and in the end they couldn’t and he lost his leg below the knee.  We used to joke that maybe his boat job left him a good story about a shark biting his leg off. Mike liked a good amputee joke.

Eventually, Mike made his way back to Arizona and he moved into an apartment in Phoenix and this is where we pick back up with him again. He came to visit again – and I can’t recall if it was this house where we live now or our old one – but Mike was different.  Yes he had part of a limb missing – but it was something else. Some of the intensity was gone. He had been through a hard time – and losing April took some of the wind out of his sails. And maybe I was just different too. Maybe I lost some of my intensity as well. Sometimes we see things in others that are characteristics in ourselves…and sometime something we  find unsettling in someone else happens to be a trait we carry too. Mike didn’t make me feel nervous anymore. Maybe our auras didn’t ping against each other anymore. Maybe I was a little mellower.  Maybe I wasn’t as busy with my kids as they were older and more independent. 

This change in him or both of us allowed us to develop a much closer friendship. It developed over some years. But at some point we began texting – at first just the periodic check ins – then more often. On one visit he really opened up to us about some things that he had going on and I think that allowed me to see a side to him I hadn’t seen before. He carried a lot of sadness- many of us do. I think after that talk I saw this vulnerability that I myself understood.  I think it made us closer and more open with each other. We shared a lot – and I got used to hearing from him via text each day “What up sis?” “Beauty day”. Or giving me the weather report for his location. 

Mike could put on a lot of bravado. He definitely had some chips on his shoulders and sometimes that made him irritating. He could get stubborn – and even I as a close friend and confidant I could not sway him when he was mad. But he usually cooled off and came to his senses. And when I got mad he would let me vent but normally he had a lot less words of advice for me. He’d say “Rax it on back baby- don’t stress so much” ! 

Mike changed locations in 2020. He moved from Arizona to Gettysburg, Pa to be closer to his family and us (but to me by then he was my family too), His twin sister and her kids lived in Gettysburg and his other sister Lynn lived in Maryland. As well as other family sprinkled about. 

Mike got set up in an apartment above a comic book store. In AZ he went on Disability because of his limb loss – as he could not hold the job as surveyor anymore. So being close to family and in a small town where he had access to family, good medical care, and public transportation was a huge plus for him in this stage of his life. And he was about 45 mins from us.

Mike was good at trying to – as my dad would have said- “keeping the nose of the plane up”. He always had a good word for anyone – and I mean anyone he met. And he met all kinds of people. In Gettysburg he made many friends. I didn’t really even know how many until after he passed away. He truly was one of a kind. If Mike liked you he would do anything for you. Literally give you the shirt off his back. If you crossed him- and there were just some traits in people that he didn’t like – you would know it. But Mike gave everyone a chance. He knew more friends than enemies. He put on a smile even when he was down.

When we found out he died on a Sunday night in March I was in shock. Despite his many health issues – it took me off my feet. He was just 59. I stayed in bed crying the entire next day. I just could not believe this person who had become such a close friend- another brother really- was no longer here. No longer would I get my morning texts, “how’s my Anne doing today?”, no longer would we spend weekends on our little farm with him helping us out with projects, or all of us just kicking back and chatting. God I miss the crap out of him.  Sometimes I cuss him out for dying. We are never prepared really to lose the ones we love. But I know he is with his best love- April. He never stopped missing her. On every birthday or anniversary of the date they met or got married Mike would text me something about it. He hated being without a companion – he was lonely – despite his many friends.

But what I know is he limped on without her…that’s not a joke—-well it kind of is – I said Mike liked a good amputee joke – he would laugh at this.  But the truth is he wasn’t the same without her. And I’d like to think that last day after some drinks with friends he got home and all of a sudden he saw Aprils hand reach out from beyond. Maybe she said “Hey Mikey want to come home now? It is great here you will see.” and he didn’t have to think he just grabbed her hand and off they went. I know he would not have said no – it is my belief he is missing her no more. 

When news of Mikes death got around so many people reached out – from Arizona, from high school, from Gettysburg. Mikes funeral was held in a Catholic church in Maryland it was very nice, and it was hard for me – and very sad.  There I met some of his Gettysburg friends I hadn’t met before. I am so glad they played a role in my friend’s life for the time they did, they meant so much to him, and he to them .

Mike was a unique soul. He was my friend- my family and I miss him so much! I shake my fist that he left me. But I thank God he is out of pain physical and mental and with his bestest friend and love once again. 

I hope everyone gets to have a Mike in their lives because they will have the most dedicated and loyal friend that has their backs no matter what. Really – thats priceless…

I miss my friend. 

Rest Mike…Rax it on back my friend. Thanks for everything.

Mike – my friend

Small to Huge Overnight

Years ago we raised chicks and ducks in our basement bathroom. It was a large bathroom – laughingly so- it was large and ugly. Very outdated but warm and quiet- perfect for a couple of brooders (bird nursery). When we first decided to raise ducks we got three ducklings on a whim from tractor supply. They were so tiny and SO cute. They get you with their cuteness. These ducks were Pekin ducks. They get to be quite large. At the time I knew nothing about these ducks except I had seen them on the menu at most Chinese food restaurants!

I set up their brooder in the bathroom one February weekend. We oohed and ahh’ed at their cuteness and took lots of photos and videos. Three days in I could not believe how much they had already grown. Kevin- who at the time had an office in the basement- would go in to check on them (and maybe to use the facilities)and he swore they grew from hour to hour. And I think it was true. By the time I let them out to the real world I was done with ducks (not ducklings anymore) in the bathroom (though I did it again a few years after this! short memory!)

This growth is uncanny – it happens in real time – you feel like you can see it. The same has happened with my Golden Doodle Del. He is hardly the tiny puppy that he was when he came here. And we expect that right? But I hardly feel like he was a little pup at all. Like I cannot recall what he looked like – I look at photos and think he was never that small. But he was – but for like one day! He has grown so fast that I can honestly say that he would go in his crate one size at night and leap out of it the next morning – and he does leap out- as a bigger version of the dog who went in. That kind of growth has to hurt!

Del is now a huge, leggy, 6.5 month old joyful and boisterous puppy. He is 63 lbs. For reference Rudy – my golden- was probably less then 50 lbs at the same age. Del is not a giant breed. But his mix can get large. At his growth rate he could be over 90 pounds! I am hoping not. He is already a lot to handle.

We joke it was some type of gamma radiation that has caused this growth rate. When he came home he was as large as my mother’s Corgi mix who weighs in at 18 lbs. Within a week he was much bigger than she and now he towers over all my other dogs. All of whom are not small dogs. Del doesn’t weight more than the adult dogs yet but in height he towers over them by 2-3 inches! A couple of our dogs took their merry time in accepting the likes of this new puppy. I kept telling them that he was going to get big and then what? And now they look up to him maybe not in admiration but definitely in stature. They have also decided that he isn’t too bad. They are adjusting still. They do play together now but there is posturing and this will continue probably forever because they are male.

Del will need to be neutered. There are so many varying opinions on when to do this. Some say for males to wait at least a year – some even say 2 years. Rudy was neutered at age 2. I waited with him because he was not dominate – though he was mounting our lab a lot and never stopped after neutering- which is why I am not waiting two years again! So I am less inclined to wait two years. I know there is a chance if we do it before his growth plates seal that he could become taller. It can increase the issues for other health problems if done too soon and lower risks for others!

I think our vet will recommend to wait until he is a year but only if he doesn’t exhibit behavioral issues such as mounting humans, or aggressive behavior towards humans and dogs. I will be honest -I am leaning towards sooner. Like in May. I have many reasons for it. But my main one is that I don’t want him to become too high on his horse and try to rule all the dogs here because he is intact. If he is the leader of the pack eventually thats fine. I just don’t want a bully situation. I think neutering mellows them some. Thats also can’t hurt with training and maybe his ability to walk on the lead better.

Del can be a handful on lead. I have been working with him on many things. He can sit, lay down, shake, twirl, sit for getting his lead on, wait and not bolt out the door when we are going out with him, he can stay pretty well if I am carrying his food bowl around and inside if I have a treat. We are working on the stay- inside is better than outside. But he is terribly exuberant outside. So this has been a the challenge. I have begun to try to manage and train away some of the behavior issues. Pulling – I am using a head lead now which is the manage part of the issue. I was using a Gentle Leader type device but I found a very neat regular leash that makes into a head lead. I got it on Etsy and I haven’t tried it on a long walk yet because the weather has been hideous here. But on a short walk he did well with it. I will post videos of it on IG and FB. The head lead is an adjustment for dogs and they will try to get them off – not because they hurt but because they work! It is the same idea as with a horse with a halter on. I have not used it enough yet to have a full verdict on it. I feel like I have his attention more with leads like this and I can train him better.

For me this head lead is like night and day walking him. I need to be safe walking him. I need to have control. Since I have nerve damage I can’t have him yanking my arms. I feel with this type of lead and consistent training there will be a time when he won’t need this. But he needs it now. I have tried a number of no-pull harnesses and he walks with one on so I can switch between then when we go on long walks. But the head lead seems to be the better one for me at the moment. We will see how we progress.

Barking! I think Del gets his barking gene from the poodle part of him! He is more wary of people and maybe because he hasn’t been as well socialized with humans because of covid – so on walks he will bark at approaching people and other dogs. So I began to use a product called Pet Corrector. It is a a can of air that makes an annoying hiss sound. It is annoying I will say that. So when we approach others we ask Del to sit and not to bark. If he does this he gets a treat but if he barks we use the spray. I hold it behind me so he doesn’t see it. But it does get his attention. He was barking at the door in the house along with our higher strung collie mix. I used this spray and it has curbed the worst of the barking. On walks it is going to take time and just having him become more socialized. He is never aggressive once a person wants to pet him. But he looks scary when he barks and carries on because he is so large. He has been good with new dogs as well on the few occasions he has met one.

I will admit I thought for some reason getting a puppy during COVID would be better for his socialization. I am not sure why. I mean everyone has to stay six feet away from us. I think I just got sucked into the COVID puppy vortex! I really have no regrets. Having five dogs again (my moms makes 6) in the house is a challenge especially because of his size but after Ridley died last January it seemed like we lost this big personality. And Del is a sassy and funny guy. He is not hyper and is really pretty calm for a puppy. I keep telling people we will get down to three dogs and not go back up to this many. But nobody believes me. It is true I have a thing about dogs but I know we aren’t getting younger and having less dogs will make sense in the not so distant future. So that is the plan. Who knows if we (I) will stick to it.

Having a puppy was challenging in the first month but it just went too fast! I can say that there have been moments where I have been down during the pandemic and Del has made me laugh – belly laugh- every single day since he has been with us. He is loving to all of us and already very dedicated to me. I know this because so often I turn around in the bathroom and I see that he has nosed his way in and is just sitting there watching me brush my teeth. Thats dedication! We will see where he ends up on the size chart only time will tell. And of course it doesn’t matter how big he gets. It is just fun speculating.

Having a puppy does make you feel joyful and hopeful – these are things I think the world needs now. Thats probably why there have been so many dog and cat adoptions during COVID. Animals give us a break from the human world. They can look into your eyes and make you feel loved – then they try to nip your nose or breath their foul breath in your face and you laugh. They are likely saving many lives during COVID just for the company they give. I have said before- a life for me would not be a life without a dog in it. I stand by that- and I am sure many others join me in that feeling (dog/cat/bird/horse etc) especially during COVID. I owe my pets a debt of thanks. Truly grateful for them.

‘

input-data crunch-output

Photo by ATC Comm Photo on Pexels.com

I have had dogs for many years and I am always amazed at how they learn. They are sponges the way they take in the world around them and form their behaviors as a result of that environment. 

Dogs learn from other dogs from the very start of their lives. Their mother teaches them about food and water and then that feeds their instinct to survive. She teaches them bite inhibition and they learn how to play by interacting with their littermates. 

Dogs learn from other dogs too if they have them in their homes and at the dog park. I am raising a puppy now and I am amazed at he mirrors the behaviors of our other dogs. Dogs of course form some of their behaviors because of instinct but they do learn from observation. He has learned proper etiquette in a pack of dogs by being corrected by them. My puppy has learned the art of calming down by watching my other dogs settle down for an afternoon snooze.  

He also has learned form watching humans and from training . He learns how to live as a dog in a human world. Dogs learn what is expected of them and because they for the most part like to please humans they modify there behavior to be able to live with us and I think they do so with happiness. 

Or if they don’t have positive modeling a dog can become what we would call a “bad dog”.  It is uncanny how what the dog sees and learns – the inputs- can create the type of dog he will be – output. 

I was a programmer and software engineer in my past. And I sometimes look at things in that logical vain. A program gives us information after we have given it input and it thinks about what it was given and then gives us output…its view of the info we sent it. 

 Input- crunch data – output

I was thinking about this today as I watch my dogs interact. And I thought about this is terms of how humans learn from birth – it is different than dogs of course  – our minds are complex but the way we form as humans  – the information we get (the input) -from our very first breath- is coming at us and we begin to develop (crunch data in our immature brains) our worldview and sense of self(output). 

It is in this early time that we are given most of our input from our family. We had schools and friends and Tv and now there is social media as well. But what we saw at home mostly influenced what developed our worldview – our truth based mostly on our families inputs. Positive and negative.

As we become teens we begin to see the outer world in a more real way. We may then begin to question our parents worldview if we see things that stand in opposition to what we have been taught in our homes. -We begin to form our own worldview – our own truth. 

What is truth? If we each have our own idea of it is any of it real? Truth only exists in the mind. We can get input like – the sky is blue and we can decide if that is true or not. 

Some of the input we receive help us to develop our values and morals. 

It is amazing how two people can receive the same input and have a vastly different opinion or learning experience from It (output). And our worldview can change at any time based on more input. 

One person may see a racially unjust society while another thinks there is opportunity for everyone. 

We are fed so much information in this day and age from many sources. I have Apple News and Facebook and Twitter, Tv news, podcasts, and family. There is so much. So much to influence how we can see the world. How do we decide what is right? What we hear at any given minute can form or reform our truth. It kind of freaks me out. We each can see one thing in such a different way. Like the witnesses of a car accident or a robbery all giving conflicting stories. 

We are all living with differing version of reality. 

Wow-

How do we coexist with each other when we each have a version of truth that differs values that may conflict? 

Well we see recently that it can be very hard to do.  

I think we all need the willingness to step outside of ourselves. I try so hard to step back from my views and look at the big picture so I can be sure I am not  being sucked in by some false observation – or maybe I will have an input that I misread or decide that it means something else entirely than I first thought.  I need to be willing to take all the input and reprocess it and to see if my output changes. Many times discussion between humans can help change our perspective and view on a topic…maybe seeing something else through another persons eyes may not change your view but can invoke compassion and care for the other person.

New real life experience can change us too. I know cancer changed mine.

As I have matured I try to choose the truth that sides with compassion, love, giving, respect and tolerance. A view that doesn’t stew in anger and one that can be helpful.  It is easy to tear things down. Harder to build them back up. I have failed myself and rebooted many times. But I am glad I am open to do that. We will always be part of our past. If we shed beliefs they kind of follow us around…like they are still attached – and we can pick them back up again but we want to be sure they are worth taking back.

I am always working on my worldview. But great writers and seers and philosophers leaned on love as truth. So I try to process my inputs using that algorithm. I can’t say that it’s the absolute right way but it’s is the right way for me. My reality.  I am a work in progress and will always be. Ask me next week- I might have a different worldview. 

But we all have adapt to a world of people who live different truths.

It is hard to get along in this world with so many different truths lolling about. We all think we are right. But in order to get along we have to look outside ourselves and as my husband says “model the behaviors we want from others”.

better new year?

I feel like I slid into 2021 rather quietly. I have never liked the celebrations of New Years Eve. Thats not to say I have never gone out to celebrate. I have…and some story’s are best left in the past!  So now I find a quiet NYE to be the best thing for me. Kevin agrees too. Though I think he has more interesting memories of his past New Years celebrations than I do. This year we shared carry-out Chinese food with my mom and had ice cream for dessert. Simple. 

This year I found myself awake at midnight- sitting in bed shopping on Amazon. I was aware of my watch creeping over to the new year but I didn’t have any other fanfare than that. We had decided to go to bed early. I fully expected to be asleep at the turn of the clock to midnight. But at 11:59 I was still awake and I watched for my watch to tell me it was midnight. 11:59, then 00:00 – that is what my watch says for midnight. Happy 2021 (I thought with trepidation) and see ya 2020 – you dazzling train wreck of a year. 

I had been texting some with my Navy son so I knew he was awake and I texted him a simple “happy new year- miss u” after the clock said midnight – and then I leaned over to lightly kiss my snoring husbands arm (didn’t want to wake him) and I finished my Amazon purchase and I opened my Kindle book- Joan Didion’s “Play It As It Lays”. Which for some reason has been a quick way to slide me into slumber. I can’t rate the book as yet- I just haven’t been able to get into it- snore snore – but I have read the reviews and know it was a movie. 

This year’s Christmas was different for us. I really wasn’t feeling in the spirit. It is just too hard with all that has been going on. We didn’t put up a tree. We have a new puppy-Del- who has been hit by Gamma radiation and is growing at and unprecedented rate- no tree would survive him- so that was my excuse for avoiding a tree this year. But really I just wasn’t feeling it. It seemed to be such a chore. And what goes up has to be taken down. That is more of a drag! So we have a couple of ceramic trees sitting on different side tables, and I had a simple but pretty centerpiece on my table, and a wreath on the door. That was fine for 2020. Enough for me anyway.

I think of all of those decorations that sat in their storage bins this year. Ornaments with years of history behind them. A collection of Santa’s that are normally displayed all over this small home. I was turning my back on them all…and still I have no regrets. Nobody was coming to see us. No kids. No family. And festive was not in my heart this year. 

We chose to FaceTime with our three young but now adult kids on Christmas morning- each live in different states from us and each other. We mailed them some gifts to open during the call. Kevin and I wore holiday Pjs for the call. They opened gifts as we watched and we had some laughs. It was fun. All I really wanted at that moment for them to be happy. To feel some connection to the day and to us because being home for Christmas was all they had ever known. But it was also a time for them to be flying off on their own journeys and things were going to change pandemic or not. It is just what happens as you let them go to forge their own paths.

I felt blessed to have this way to connect. Video calling is an amazing gift during this time. I am not sure I am fully comfortable to be seen on video calls but I am getting used to it. Not being able to see my kids in the flesh was disappointing but I know it could be much worse. I know there are many families who were missing someone they lost this year from Covid or other illnesses or accidents. There was no holiday for them only grief. 

I think I have been trying to traverse this very hard year as best as I can. I have been creatively clogged. Something I am working on. I like to write about dog’s and my horses. I like to share bits of my thoughts on different topics.  But the topics of this past year leave me speechless. What does one say as the world suffers? 

I have realized I am not going to solve the worlds problems. It isn’t my job. I write because I like doing it. The best things I have read this year have included things that divert me from the reality that was 2020 and now 2021. And if I have something to say about difficult topics the words may not be enough or be agreed with but they are my words and they will come from my heart. 

I have zero idea what to expect for 2021. I know what I hope and pray for. I also know other chaos will trot down the road. It is life. after all. I do wish for you to find joy and peace in each day. I do wish peace for the hearts that are hurting and grieving. 

I will say happy New Year- but maybe it should be happier new year. Better new year? Safe new year? 

Lets go 2021. Show us your stuff.

Blessings……

Raising Del

I had forgotten that the last time we raised a puppy(Rudy)- in the late spring/summer of 2012 – that we had kids here- they were off from school in late May- those were the private school days. We had a long stretch of summer ahead of us and we had time to raise a puppy. That was such a huge help to have them help me raise Rudy.

I had forgotten what a puppy can be like! They are busy and have to be watched when they aren’t confined. In the two weeks since Del came home we have become a sleep deprived pair- reminding us of the days when we had little kids. Del began with waking every two hours and and that has now morphed into going 4-6 hours without needing a bathroom break. That has made for some wonderous stretches of sleep.

I am used to waking at night. Nature calling. A middle age “benefit”. So I am no stranger to being up in the night – and can usually fall back to sleep in a few minutes. I think the difference is now I am lugging a 15lb puppy through the house and then down the deck stairs and after the puppy does his biz and is corralled (and reminded that 2am was not play time no matter how much fun it is trying to steal that boot and drag it through the yard )- we head back up the deck stairs and he goes back in the crate and I try to fall back to sleep.

I have been able to settle him sometimes when he whines in the night – his crate is next to the bed- but other times it is necessary to take him out. And of course I have the option to tap out and tap in Kevin who sleeps with wireless ear buds in. We have been taking turns with the nightly puppy relief breaks. That has helped both of us. I also need to thank Alexa – of Amazon fame- for providing soothing music all night.

It isn’t so bad as some nights are just so pretty. The moon and stars and cool air. The horses mill about or snort. It is so quiet- no cars -no other humans. Standing in the rain- on the other hand- nah- not so great.

Del has done well with the house training. Though not as well as I thought. I have caught and corrected him a few times when he has peed right in front of me – it was all good timing – took him right out to show him the correct place to go. But I found he must. have gone in his play area when i stepped away for too long and even though I had floor cover over the rug – the rug got peed on. My bad planning.

My attempts to clean the carpet resulted in the room smelling like dirty feet. So out the carpet went. We planned on replacing it anyway but not until after the puppy was fully housebroken. If you get really miffed about your stuff when it gets dirty, stinky, torn up, barfed on…etc DON’T get a puppy and maybe not even a dog.

We have six dogs here. We have flooring that can handle a pool of water on it for 24 hours. It is made for pets. We have only inexpensive rugs in the house. I don’t spend much on quilts or blankets. The dogs get on the beds and couches. I have never been too strict on that unless it becomes a dominance issue within the pack and causes bad behaviors.

This pup found shoes one day and loves them. I have to admit I find it hilarious to watch him dragging giant shoes all over the place. I am definitely more relaxed – or sleep deprived – as I let a lot of things go that I may not have with past pups. But I admit it may not be funny when Del as a grown dog decides to eat all of our shoes. So the ‘leave it” and “drop it” commands are being taught now even if I am laughing as I say them. Hey you got to enjoy your pup. They grow fast.

And he is growing – in his first week he gained a pound and a half. He was a whopping 15 lbs at 8 weeks and 17.4 at 9 weeks- And Kevin just weighed him today and he is 19 lbs – which Kevin said is his floof (fluff) haha. He is fluffy! The size of his paws promises he won’t be a small dog. The trajectory of his weight at this point points to a VERY large boy. I do expect that to level off though and I am noting the weight changes each week. So we will see!

As far as his making buddies of the current dogs here at home- it is slow. Someone asked me if the other dogs were pulling their weight in that they could help me tire the puppy out. So far they are not into playing with him. Rudy has a couple times but both very brief. And Del loves Rudy. He follows him all over the yard. Del loves to take walks up the lane with him, and generally thinks he is the best thing ever. Rudy says “meh”. He is feeling jealous I think. I do think that is an emotion dogs have!

Trying to make friends

In my experience these friendships – or even- basic putting up with takes time. Two of our other dogs Reece and Pierce are very playful but I don’t trust the puppies safety with them yet. I am fearful they will get carried away and over excited. Del is too small for them yet. But all co-exist fine when he’s on the leash around them. Lemon -our old Lab- was one of my puppies 11 short years ago. She can be a terror. But in her old age has done some mellowing. She has more patience and I can let the puppy around her in the yard and house – that doesn’t mean she won’t give him a correction if he needs one- but I watch her. I am happy she seems to like him. She ignored Rudy for weeks when he came!

One day last week I woke up to a different puppy. He was crazed- hyped up! I was like holy cow – who is this dog? It was like he was possessed from the beast within. I think I recall this stage from past puppies. I found the worse they got the more likely they needed a nap! And so that seemed to hold true. Today I woke to a calmer pup – though he does have a sassy side. He has the sit command down. And when in the crate or play area he is learning to self calm. All good things for future training. I know we are in store for many different phases as he ages!

The shoe thief

I haven’t done too much socialization with him except for visitors here at home as I don’t want to expose him to too many germs with just one set of shots.. He did go to Southern States and we carried him in. He and Rudy were a hit there.

I am really thrilled to have this dog. As this is my first Goldendoodle I am new to the breed and I look forward to seeing how he will grow. He is a smart bugger- so I see some antics in his future!

Now I need a nap…..

Delta Dog – YOLO

This happened recently.

I know….so cute! His name is Del – he a goldendoodle- and all it took was one look at him and I became a pandemic puppy owner. I failed all my promises to myself. I wasn’t going to get another dog until at least one of our current dogs passed. I failed my attempts to stop from getting puppy fever.

But you devils on social media that posted your new puppy pics every day – I tried to ignore you! With coffee in hand every morning I would try to surf on by the sweet pics of fifi, foofoo, and fifi. And curse you Tucker Budzyn – cutest Golden Retriever (sorry to my Rudy) – I could not stop myself from watching his YouTube videos and his Facebook stories. I became obsessed with his sweet crunched up face when he was confused.

I began researching dogs. For the future. I missed my Old English Sheepdog- there was a void. So just for giggles I began looking online for OES puppies, I then began looking at golden puppies, I then saw a doodle of some sort somewhere – probably on Facebook. And I began to look into doodles, Sheepydoodles, Berniedoodles, Goldendoodles. Site after site I subjected myself to sweet puppy faces. This for me is a torture. I LOVE dogs. I was born with a connection to dogs. I can’t remember ever not wanting a dog – not being drawn to dogs. (I was the kid who always wanted to pet every dog she saw. Even the ones you are supposed to let work like service dogs…I would reach out and touch them as they walked by- i know! ).But I do think that Dog people get this.

I think my husband saw the trajectory of what was happening before I did. I was looking for dogs online. He knows the signs – we had just gone through this with horses- I got a new one in late June- but thats another post. But Kevin knew before i did that we would be getting a new dog not in a couple years but this year. I just didn’t know it yet.

Many breeders had waiting lists – up to a year long. So I felt safe bc there was a wait. I knew this time around I wanted to get a puppy and from a breeder. We have rescued many many dogs over the years and have 3 rescues here now if you include my moms dog. And a friend even told me that she was having trouble finding a rescue as the rescues were so busy with applications.

Covid really created a pet craze. Makes sense -more people at home sheltering from a scary virus. They have more time for a dog. And isn’t a dog a nice distraction from all of the craziness and scariness going on? I can tell you I have tried daily to make my life feel normal. These are scary times.

I had a kid leave for the Navy during the pandemic. It threw me for a loop. He was our last to leave home- and it hit me hard. The military had my son. There was another void in the house. A huge one. One that can’t really be filled with pets and stuff. But I think part of my adding a new horse and a new puppy (oh and fish tanks) was to help me heal some from my empty nest.

What Kevin saw coming did come to a head one day when I saw a post about labradoodles locally. I contacted the friend who posted about their upcoming addition and asked her about the breeder. Turns out I knew the breeder – we had gotten our lab Lemon – our 11 year old gal- and our Golden Rudy from her. And when I contacted her she told me she had a 3 week old Goldendoodle male that was a distant cousin to Rudy. So the stars aligned for me and all the reasons I wanted to wait for a dog went out the window and all the excuses to get one now sounded flat. I just wanted this puppy. So Kevin and I said YOLO and and here is Del, (Delta, Delbert, Delinquent…).

Yolo is maybe what I should have named Del. It certainly is a mantra of mine. I have to decide often if I am being impulsive or just living a YOLO life. Maybe it is both sometimes. But after having had cancer and having chronic pain after the cancer treatments and then being blessed with getting that pain dialed back – I just sometimes have to say oh well WTF YOLO. And this little dog- who is growing by the minute has been a wonderful, tiring, PITA, cute, loving, destructive addition to this little place known as Glory View Farm. I hope to be posting more about him.

So I have no excuses to give. Just sometimes you have to say YOLO.

voices

I am writing from the heart here. So its going to come out in a stream of consciousness that I will try to go back and edit as best as I can but it wont’ be the best editing.

I am so sad to see a country so divided. Every issue seems to become a Dem vs Republican issue. A virus that has no political leanings has become the most politicized topic of this decade.  If you think the president and government didn’t handle things in a timely fashion then you must be a “Dem” and therefore bad. If you agree with the president then you are bad because you are a “right winger”. 

I am not one for labels and I will not be pigeon -holed into being a Dem or a right winger. I have always tried to look at things from a middle perspective and it has gotten me criticized many times. I have voted republican and democrat. I have changed my party affiliation back and forth on my voter registration so I can vote in primaries.

So today I am speaking as a middle of the roader. I have my opinions but I won’t be pigeon-holed to one side or the other.

But I write because my heart hurts. I am sad. I see the protests in this country over the hideous death of George Floyd  and I wonder why so many white people don’t get it- they think the protests are about this one thing- it is not this one thing. It is about something white people cannot relate to. We can never really understand because we are white. We do not face the day to day discrimination and prejudice and racism that people of color do in this country. That is a fact.

Many people know that I raised three Asian children, We adopted them in the early part of this century. When my husband Kevin and I brought them to this very white but sublime area in MD we live in I didn’t think about racism and the fact my children would encounter that as they grew. But they did. I think I was shocked when my daughter retold me a racist joke she had heard at school when she was about 8 or 9 and I had to explain to her why that was not so funny. That it degraded people of color and she was in that group. Maybe up until then she didn’t realize she was different -she knew she was Asian – not white but I had never had to tell her that people were judged by their skin color and ethnicity and that sometime she might encounter hate..it was not a topic I wanted to open up. It hurt me to think that my kids would ever have to deal with the hatred or racism but they did.

In high school many words were said to my kids. I found out about most of it much later. My daughter wanted to be white- change her eyes. For a time she wore makeup so white she looked like one of those pretty Japanese Geishas who powder their faces white.  But in high school none of us wanted to be the different one – but she was. In time she has learned to embrace her ethnicity and her exotic beauty. But there are scars where the unkind words cut her.

Once I had to contact the school after someone told my kid -in the middle of class while my kid was reading aloud- something that was not easy for her to do – to go back to where she came from. It wasn’t the first time she had been called out for being Asian (she told me later) but she was embarrassed  because it was in class in front of everyone and she couldn’t walk away and the teacher did not do anything. So my child called me up very upset to tell me what happened .

I am sure the teacher ignored a teachable moment because she was uncomfortable – racism is a hard topic to discuss – but we can’t allow that in a class- we have call it out. And eventually we got a some resolution. A detention- a letter of apology. But I wonder if it changed the students heart who said the words.  Did they understand the words hurt? 

One of my kids was being bullied at school for being Asian and he finally cracked one day- not because the bully was bullying him but because he began to pick on a friend and my son went to his friends defense. I would like to say he spoke out to the bully  in defense but instead he squashed a donut on the bully. Then this led to a challenge to a fight off school grounds. My kid showed up for that fight and got pummeled. Lost the fight but gained some street cred. And made amends with that bully.

I didn’t condone the violence when I found out later and had I known about this before this entire story would be different. But my kid cracked. The pin popped his balloon. When I finally found out about this event , I asked my kid if it might have been better to use his words to stop the bully  and my son said yes – but he just lost it and thus the donut incident. Then he had to show up to a fight to save face and get beat up. And the bully apologized. Who knows if this was a learning moment for him. But it was for my son- he is not a violent kid- and he wasn’t proud of his actions – but he was glad in s sense he stood up to hate. 

There were times I actually felt bad for living in such a white area. That perhaps we should have moved to a more diverse area. But that would not change anything. In fact living here may have shielded them from worse racism. In order to keep them safe I told my kids they would need to turn the other cheek – to ignore nasty comments about their race and ethnicity – that those hateful words were a show of ignorance. As humans we all have to learn to have a thick skin but it doesn’t make the barbs that bounce off us ok just because we deflect them. My childhood “Fat Albert”  label still stings when I think of it. 

I am a white mom raising Asian kids…I can sympathize, protect and defend but I will never really get it – I am white- and just by being white I automatically at privilege in this country.  I tell them to turn their cheeks because I want them to be safe. But in essence I am really shutting down their voices. I have always encouraged them to use their voices and why should they have to take abuse for their color? Their ethnicity? They are beautiful people – they are humans with souls and feelings.

How can people not see how awful it is for a black man to be out jogging and when he stops to looks at a new home under construction – something I have done many times- and then he is chased down by a two white men and then shot and killed? I am pretty sure had that had been a white jogger that would not have happened. Its sickening.

I have seen on the internet white people say “white people get killed by police and we don’t protest.” The fact is true white people do get killed by police. But the protests over the death of George Floyd are not about just Mr Floyd. This horrible death is the pin that popped the balloon and the hurt and sadness and the anger flowed out and people of color said- “we must speak out. We need to be heard…we have had enough”. This is not one event for people of color this is their every single day.

I agree with protest. I think protests are a way of people to speak their mind. To get attention for their issues and to emote. It is one of the best freedoms we have in this country. I am not surprised at the enormity of the protests that are occurring. I am not surprised some have become violent.  I don’t agree with that.  I don’t like anyone getting hurt. But tensions are high. And looting? That is someone who is using the events as an excuse to steal. They aren’t about the cause. Many of the protests have been peaceful. Police officers kneeling down with protesters. What a sight to see.

I think this is escalating because we need better leadership. There is nobody at the top saying – we care – we want to help – we see you. The president can’t change the hearts of all the people – he can’t make a culture of hate change overnight. But he can help bring justice where wrongs have been done. And he can lead with compassion and not divide the people more and more with every tweet.  He can send out the military to protect but he must see the people who are screaming to be heard.

There is a logical balance to help protect people and property during a protest that becomes violent. But we have to see that the protests are the symptom of a much larger issue. The hate is the cancer and the reactions are the symptoms. Somehow we have to make changes to kill that cancer of hate.

I don’t blame all this on President Trump. He didn’t cause this to happen. These issues are pervasive and go back years and many administrations have faced these same issues and haven’t done much to initiate change.  There has been ongoing police brutality against people of color. The divisions  in this country and in the administration have existed for years before President Trump was in office. But this is his moment and thus far he hasn’t been the type of president that brings people together. He lives in a divide and conquer world.

I have read that his advisors are split on how he should deal with this. Be more compassionate which would help his black vote or be more militant which would appease his base. Again politics at play and because of this the right response will never be found. When one is looking at his own gain there is no compassion for others there is only action for the gain of reelection. This is a situation I am sure he hopes will just go away it is not good in a campaign year. Maybe a presidential term should only be 6 years – you get one go- – maybe it would be easier to react more honestly to events when reelection is off the table. Just a thought.

People of color are trying to be heard. They are hurting. They are angry because nobody is hearing their voices. My daughter is a young adult now living in a city where there have been protests. It is upsetting to her and scary.  She knows the injustice…she has been poked with nasty words and judged for her Asian-ness. She gets it. She sees people calling out for help for compassion for love. And she wonders -as I do -who at the top is going to hear them? Is anyone really listening? 

Funk

Upgraded tank.

The other day Kevin and I went on a bagel trek to Frederick, MD- its about 18 miles from us.  For some reason the local Panera has closed. I have not been able to find real bagels other than Panera. I am not sure of the details of their closure but I wanted “real” bagels and I wanted to get out of this house for a bit- so off we went.

I know this probably was not an essential trip – though it was tied in with getting chicken feed and meal worms- and I really wasn’t keen on going so far for bagels but we did.  Wanting real bagels is not a real problem – i can hold out and eat toast or english muffins..but for me the bagels are just a way to feel some normalcy again. Get in the car, stop at Starbucks—get a coffee — grab some bagels from Panera– grab other essentials.  On Saturday AM when I realized the Panera closest to us was closed I was bummed because in my head when I woke I had that task in my head. We get to go get bagels. I needed to feel “normal”—so we went a bit further to Frederick to get them.

What is not normal is that when you leave your house you now carry a face mask, maybe protective gloves, you probably have hand sanitizer in your car and some lysol wipes or something like that.

Sometimes it can almost feel normal on the way to run an errand. .Kevin and I can chat and listen to music. We notice the lack of traffic but we can be in a bubble for a while that feels almost normal.  I love that feeling! But then we pull up to the shopping center and there is a line at the Aldi’s grocers. People stand six feet apart, donning masks (some gloved) all waiting their turn to get in because now we cannot just walk in to a store – there are limits to how many can go in- if you can go in at all.

At Panera a few doors down from Aldi- they are doing curbside pick-up.  It is convenient- but so impersonal. And it has to be for everyone’s safety. It sucks but needed. I thanked the young woman who handed over the bag of bagels to me. I had my mask on because she came to my side of the car. I tried to look grateful with my eyes as I told her to stay safe. I then complimented her on her mask fabric choice. It was cute…. but then I said “I can’t believe I am complimenting you on a mask”.  She said ” I know crazy , right?”  and we went on our way.

I am not sure if my funk began then because this is crazy-  or maybe it had been festering over these last couple weeks.  Things feel off for me.  Maybe it is because I am so over this whole thing – but I know this virus will not be over us for a good while.  We also found out my son in the Navy has been quarantined with his division because someone got Covid-19. My other two kids are out of work because of the shutdowns. Also, my horse is acting a bit off.  And I setup a new bigger fish tank and transferred our current fish- which were Navy son’s- and two didn’t live- too much shock. Such a small thing – I know. But flushing those two fish just made me feel crummy. Who knows what pushes us into the funk. I mean the virus is enough. Seeing the suffering is enough.  There is nothing I can do to stop this thing. Lack of control is scary.

I think maybe it is really dawning on me that the world as we knew it is now gone – and life has changed for good.  Like my life before and after my cancer – there is a definite division.  At least for a while things will be quite different for the world  in how we interact in public.

It is hard to watch the suffering every day. It is hard to feel at the mercy of something you can’t even see.  What will the toll to human life be?  There are so many ways  this virus can devastate us including death.  We see the toll rise each day.  And there will be a balance on how things progress to reopening – so we can hopefully live life again- on the other side of the divide.

So today I am in a funk. Some days it is just really hard….its normal to feel these feelings. This isolation takes it’s toll. The financial worries take their tolls. If you are feeling badly never be afraid to reach out to someone for help.  Even a chat with a friend can be comforting.

I do understand that this has happened before over and over throughout history – we have many before’s and after’s, the Spanish flu, world wars, natural disasters , 9-11…. We are human- and we adapt.  But it is jarring and a change – a new shift in what we knew as reality. So it is stressful and scary. And on some days very overwhelming- I just want to pull the covers over my head and sleep- so I can forget for a while.

Instead, I write.

 

 

 

 

Navy Son – Letters —

LettersOn Monday I had the nicest surprise – quite unexpected actually. I had two letters from my son, SR Sweeney (Seaman Recruit), from bootcamp. He should be about completed his two week quarantine- we think – we don’t know for sure. The letters I got from him were written April 1 and one before that.  I think his bootcamp training will begin soon but there is also the virus to contend with and there was a case or two at the center so I have no idea how things are progressing there.

I must say I didn’t expect him to write us much at all.  I was so doubtful that I sent him  with cards and  pre-addressed envelopes. I was making it so easy for him to send us a word or two. I had no idea he would be writing us in quarantine – I wasn’t sure what was allowed.

My son’s letters to us were not on the pre-addressed cards I gave him but instead on Navy RTC stationary. I think I marveled at them like he was five and in kindergarten and brought home his first handwriting assignment.  He actually wrote a whole letter- no two letters!  And yes I am saving every one we get! Just like his those kindergarten assignments.  Once a mom always a mom.

His letters were basic really. But he expressed his desire to get going to work. I also could tell the virus situation had finally become real to him. He wanted us to know the Red Cross could get him a message fast if anything serious went down with us here.  He had been out once or twice to get some medical checks. He got glasses. He’s making some friends. For that I was glad as he is shy. The food was not great. I found out from my Facebook group that they are getting bagged food until they mainstream.

He updated me on some business items they had gone over with him once he was there.  He asked that we write him back. He said he didn’t know what was going on in the outside world.  I struggle with how much to share with him. I know it won’t be anything that I feel would stress him while he is in bootcamp.

But the kicker for me were these words:I miss you both so much…I love you both so much… Definitely not words I would expect from my son. He is shy. He holds back feelings. And those words are what broke me open…tears flowed.  It felt so nice to read the words but also they made me worry about him a little more too.

I know it will be ok. Well I pray it will be.  I know he’s in a bit of a shock now. If he is homesick it should pass- especially after he gets going in bootcamp.  He won’t have as much time to think. He will be exhausted by the end of each day. He will wish he was in quarantine again-  I am told.

Letters are like gold. They connect us when we don’t have the luxury of text or email. Oh how I miss those at your fingers tools! But the separation is needed. It takes that civilian and makes them into a soldier -part of unit. United together for one cause. I get it but I hate the silence.

I am not a true Navy parent yet. We are just at the beginning. But I already know this worry about your child is not the same as leaving them at two-week camp in the summer or dropping them off at college. This is something that is bigger…and I don’t mean to downplay those other worries. I have been through those too, so I speak only from how I am feeling now compared to those other times that we let the thread that ties us together out longer than it had been before.  It was scary and exciting and hopeful.  That worry ebbed a bit as time wore on. But now this thread will be a long unending spool let out further and further. It is so much bigger – this worry- than what I have felt before. Parenthood is the never-ending roller coaster ride of emotion.

I am sensing that this worry is like a knot that lodges itself somewhere inside.  Because this is only the beginning. There will be deployments to far away lands. Missions we won’t know about in detail but know they exist in theory. We won’t ever feel  he is truly safe unless  he is real standing in front of us – and when  he is near us it is only for a short time and there will be a parting again…and the worry cycle continues. I am not there yet but I have a sense that this worry is a different beast. I am very unsettled.

And the letters come and there is an exhale…not a release of all the worry but some. They are a gift. Something I didn’t know I would cherish until they sat in front of me waiting to be opened.

I have written my letters to him as has his dad but they have to wait until we are given his correct division information. He won’t get letters addressed to the quarantine area which I am told by thanks to the Training Center Facebook group admins is the address he gave me. So as the Navy motto reminds us – I will hurry up and wait for his division info to get to us. And I hope the letters that he eventually gets from us give him some peace- and he feels the love behind them.

I had forgotten the special feel of a real letter. We have so much connectivity available all the time but when you don’t have it – the letter for me is a lifeline.  I hope I get more from him- but knowing the rigors of their schedule when doing actual P days ( processing days – first week of real  bootcamp where they process the recruit) I won’t get my hopes up.  But if I do I will appreciate the lift of some of the worry – that exhale -even if it lasts only for a little while.