Updates – figuring things out

It has been a good while -yet again- since I have written on my blog. I am trying to find the time and motivation to write again. I guess the good news is that I am busy. Busy doing life. Which for a while I was sidelined from. So busy is really good news for me.

I am about 10 weeks post surgery. I am a few weeks post a great vacation that we took to Wilmington NC and Charleston SC. I am grateful that I was able to take the trip. I got in the truck for the drive down south and a pain flare began. I likely did way too much preparing for this trip. Packing was the the likely culprit that took me from feeling pretty well before we left to being in bad pain on the drive down.

I was pretty bummed out. My recovery from surgery had been promising. I was feeling well. My pain level was down. But what I had noticed was that things were backsliding some. Things in my surgical area felt tight. I had been told to massage my scars and that they would actually get softer in time. My nasty radiated scar is gone so that leaves me with three new scars but they aren’t radiation damaged scars. I wanted to be positive but it has been hard. I am four surgeries in trying to rid me of this post breast cancer therapy pain – so I get defeated sometimes when I feel the pain intensify.

In that truck on the way to Wilmington , NC – I took pain meds- I just had to because this trip was important. I wasn’t going to mess it up. Kevin and I needed to get away.  We are caring for my mother in our home. And she is a wonderful person but Kevin and I hadn’t been away alone much in the last few years – so it was time. And well it was also our 20th Wedding Anniversary. I wanted celebrate that milestone!

I felt a lot of pressure going into this trip. I planned it. I love planning and I was excited to see the areas we chose to visit. I will write more about that trip later but I will say it was a lovely time. But I felt this pressure to not mess it up because of my pain. So in that truck I  was so frustrated with this pain flare. We cut a trip short last fall because of my pain and I was so disappointed. I really wanted to be able to take this trip and not have to cut it short. We were to be away for a week.

I was supposed to begin PT when I got home…another thing I was skeptical of because I hadn’t found any PT that ever helped me. So as we were driving I took out my Ipad and began searching for some type of PT therapy that might be designed for either breaking up scar tissue or for cancer pain in general.

One search led to another and I ended up finding a PT group near my home that performs a type of rehab therapy for cancer patients called ReVital.  I have been going now for a couple weeks. And the therapy group I am seeing near me is really great. I knew from the first visit they knew what they were doing. The therapist asked all the right questions. She knew about radiation damage and issues due to chemo. They work on breaking down scar tissue and are trying to stretch muscles and tendons in my arm that are damaged by radiation and were also made immobile due to frozen shoulder – I also had that after the cancer treatments.

PT is not without pain but the first day the therapist told me straight. If I don’t get this arm moving I am just going to get worse. So here I am going diligently to PT. The fact that horrible scar is gone is allowing me to do more than I would have been able to do if I still had it. So I am ever so thankful to Dr. Del Corral for removing it.

I feel hopeful for the first time in a good while. I know I will probably flare again (and I had a flare the first day of PT and when I left that flare was gone so that really gave me hope). I know there are steps forward and steps back. But I have been fighting for almost three years to get my life back. To feel normal.

Yesterday I drove my mom to her haircut appointment and while she was there I ran to the hardware store and to the grocery. I ran into a friend in the grocery and we chatted for a few minutes. I hurried through my shopping so I could get back to get my mom. It sounds so normal to people reading this I am sure –  but for me it is huge. Just to be able to drive and to have that freedom is so great. And Maybe some of you know this but I have had anxiety for years and shopping alone isn’t easy for me and for a long time I never did it. And now I am doing just that. I am trying so hard to just live life. Normal stuff is good.

So on that trip down south I didn’t know what I was getting into when I booked an appointment for PT. But sitting in the truck I felt like maybe it might be good. Just keep moving forward. That is always in my head. When we got to Wilmington I told myself I was going to enjoy our darn vacation. I was not sitting around! I was going to see stuff. And Kevin – as always- said he would do whatever I needed to do. There was no pressure from him…it was me pushing me.

So the ice pack became my good friend.  I toted it under my arm for much of the trip. Anti- inflam meds were needed daily and a few days into the Charleston leg of our trip I realized I was feeling much better – we had eaten and shopped our way through that city – and we had clocked some walking miles on that trip. It was very good.

All I can say is thank God for ice packs and thank God for the wonderful husband I married 20 years ago in April 1999. I often still cannot imagine my luck.

I am so grateful for being able to do normal things. I am grateful for a PT group that gets my pain situation.

And as my dad would have said- “Keep the nose of the plane up Anne” – I am trying Dad  – I really am.

Sx21krF%QrmXjWy+Yaq44g

Southern Mansion South of Broad Charleston SC

Recovering kind of….bites

Well I am into my second weekend post surgery. I am healing. If the itching is any clue then I am healing well! I have gone from pain drug nirvana to non-pain drug – well lets say discomfort – as well.  I am not a fan of pain meds. Well…not true… I am a fan…they work and make you feel ever so spacey and dreamy. I slept so well on them. I take 1/6 the prescribed dose as well but I still felt if I am not in a lot of pain I would not take them. Still the discomfort makes me less mobile and well maybe that warrants a reason to take some. But I don’t- too much fear I suppose.

I get the drain out on Tuesday and I will take some for that procedure. It isn’t fun. But worse is having the thing in. It has been a – I really want to write shit show here- but instead I will say a tad of a pain – literally and figuratively to have this drain. If you don’t know what a surgical drain is you are lucky and look it up bc I don’t want to explain it more than needed. But my lovely husband tends to the drain upkeep – God love him- bc if I had to I would puke I think – I think this is because it is all happening in my body and I would like to ignore it as much as possible.

The drain is a pain. You are carrying it all the time- this appendage. Showering is tough. I shower in a tank top so I can keep the bulb pinned to something so it doesn’t hang down. Then I get out of the shower with a soggy ,dripping tank top on. It’s fun!

The drain also sprung a leak twice this week. The first time in the middle of the night. I woke Kevin but I really don’t like to do that since he is caring for everything (Me, my mom, and household and farm stuff ) all day. I want to grant him some decent sleep. Though I think almost nightly this past week a dog has also woken up in the middle of the night and either needed to go out, puked or pooped somewhere in the house. Which got Kevin up. Anyway I woke Kevin to fix the drain – I said sorry with my nicest voice. It wasn’t anything I could do alone.

Calling the surgeons office about the drain problem rendered an answer that this was all normal. Really?  I have had them before and never had anything like that happened. I will say it is  not a fun event and the second time it happened it ruined a new shirt – I should not have put it on I know…I take full blame but still grrrr.. and ick. The drain remains painful as the incisions heal and there is less drainage…so think a couple chopsticks lodged up inside your armpit..right… feels great!

I hear you saying – why won’t she just take a pain pill…I know, I know.

I have come to realize that five days is my limit after surgery. Five days to keep a good attitude – like I got this! attitude (and I am normally still drugged at this point), and its five days that I think I should be feeling well and start to feel guilty that I am not up and around feeling good. I have walked once, done squats and lunges – all probably too soon. The walking was ok but the second drain issue occurred just after that. So now I am waiting two more days until this drain comes out to do anything physical. But five days is my limit and then I get cranky and frustrated.. not the best look on me.

I have no idea how the surgery has worked. It is a 4-6 week recovery and 2 of those are supposed to be off work. So it’s going to be a while. I am supposed to start PT around week 4 – but I am hoping I can do some lower body stuff next week.. I dread PT. Thus far PT has been so crummy for my arm.  Maybe this time will be different! It all starts with ATTITUDE! Rah Rah! Haha…

I have found this time around that there are some items that I have come to rely on during this recovery. I know I am bored if I am keeping tabs on this stuff! Sorry for my ramblings…just needed to write.

First and foremost – a back scratcher. With 12 plus inches of scar and a dumb drain -things get itchy. For some reason this time they sutured up the skin – maybe because it is a graft and then they put this clear large adhesive covering over the entire graft and same for the donor site on my back. And this covering is tight! But it allows me to be able to shower normally so I guess thats good. But as I recover the itching is soooo intense…so the light touch of a back scratcher is wonderful.

Next is medicated chapstick – well this is a must have always but for some reason I am very needy of my chapstick as I recover. And at this minute I just looked for it and can’t find it- so now a search will need to be set forth. Note to self- get more than one medicated chapstick at a time. I picture it chewed up in some corner…dogs…nope FOUND it! yes!

Gauze and bandaging- I go nuts sometimes at the drug store on first aid items. Having kids and also having a small farm where we get splinters, blisters, step on stuff etc I am super paranoid about first aid.  I now am so happy I did over-buy because gauze and tape have been needed for this stupid drain.

Pill cutter-this is awesome- I got it as a parting gift after my one night stay in the hospital – where they were very good to me and to Kevin who also stayed the night. Yes I got parting gifts I was so excited! The pill cutter is the bomb and will go into my newly organized linen closet. I got bored the other day and had the fixings to redo the closet later in my recovery but I found I could sort items that were in the old crammed bins easily sitting on the bed – so new organized closet done. Anyway a pill cutter that cuts like butter is a must for your medicine cabinets.

I thought the the exhaling thing the hospital gives out so you don’t get pneumonia was cool but I got bored of it after two days home. So though helpful,  I don’t see it as a long term medical item that I will keep.

Oh and of course I got to keep the hospital socks. I have tossed out too many of these things over the years but they are great as a no slip alternative to slippers. Why are slippers called such? I know bc you slip them on- but they aren’t the most safe shoe!

Ice water has been another must have and so the trips to the bathroom are frequent…which is annoying!  I am one of those people that have to have liquids with them where ever they go.  And I mean I even carry bottled water into restaurants. Once I was even told by a very stern server at one restaurant we go to I could not have my own bottled water that I brought in because some people bring vodka inside the water bottle and get a glass of ice and drink their own alcohol. Is this really a thing?  I know teens do that stuff but I am not a teen!  I seriously just laughed as I was typing this! Crazy!

Last is magazine, puzzle books, and laptop. No explanation needed here.

Oh gosh and finally- my adjustable table – that allows me to reach all this stuff I listed – and my meds, and books and laptop etc! The thing is the bomb. Such a nice item when recovering from surgery or even the flu.

Recovery is just a process. And I am so impatient. I know with a surgery like this the benefits will hopefully show as time goes forward. Now I just have to take it a day at a time. I have just had more than my share of surgeries. I am sort of done. I hope this is it for this problem.

Well I brightened my day just by writing this. Nobody even has to read it. I just feel somewhat better. I think I will walk to the barn.

Think of me Tuesday at about 11:30 as they remove this drain. (But probably nobody is reading this by this point. I likely lost them at chapstick.) Oh well! I’ll be brave!

 

Valentines Day Surgery

Not many people would opt to have surgery on Valentines Day but I did! I had one on my 18th wedding anniversary and had cake when i woke up. So maybe tomorrow some sweet confection will arrive at my bedside providing I can keep it down.

Tomorrow I will have another surgery to attempt to improve the pain I have been having for five years as a result of my breast cancer treatments. This one is actually removing my scar which is damaged by radiation and keeps getting stuck on my chest wall which we think is causing some of my nerve pain.  Part of my back fat(I have plenty of that!) and skin and blood supply will become part of my armpit. Its amazing to read about -Tdap flap -as it is called. Usually it is done on the breast as part of reconstruction -but these flaps are now used all over the body to relieve pain from scars and improve range of motion where applicable.

My new plastic surgeon for this surgery-  Dr. DC – is not new to me really. I have been seeing him for cosmetic things for a few years. And he is aware of my vanity and my pain issue. He just happens to work on a continuous basis with cancer patients. He firsthand has seen the damage radiation can do- he’s seen a lot.

Most of us with breast cancer even early stage like me are given the warnings about side effects from treatments  – but still have the treatments bc it gives you some sense of control during a time when you feel very out of control.  And most of us don’t have too many issues after radiation – some of it is short lived and some shows up years later. We don’t know who will end up in severe pain as I have. But my pain issues have a trajectory and I am beginning to piece things together but It is really of no matter because I can’t go back and change things. Hindsight is 20/20!

Anyway Dr. DC is a great person and a top doc. I will miss Dr. Williams my nerve surgeon as he has been the lead or assist in my last three surgeries.  I am just used to seeing his face in the OR and I trust him. He doesn’t work out of the surgical center I am going to. But he has given his blessing on the approach Dr. DC has in mind – so here we go.

Nobody on this journey wants to have multiple surgeries. I don’t crave going under the knife or the 4-6 weeks recovery.  It is when you live in chronic pain that you realize how much life can be taken away just by a bit of pain – like say in the armpit – and you search for some relief.  Thats what I have been doing.  I don’t write about it all the time anymore because that just gets morose.   When someone starts the cancer fight people tell you or  post – “you got this” , “be a fighter” etc. But after a while people have to go back to their own lives and you are out of focus – and this is how it should be. Now I am sure people think – “Anne is having another surgery?”, “Oh poor thing”.  LOL I get it. I wouldn’t understand either- and I am so glad most people don’t get it because  that probably means they aren’t in terrible pain day on day.

I have been cancer free for five years! That is a huge milestone. And praise God for that. My oncologist pointedly told me not to get too comfortable with this milestone reached – because the cancer can come back..Yes gee thanks Dr. HH – I don’t have a false sense of security but I certainly am trying not to wake each day with a sense of panic – I did that for long enough- so let me have some serenity- stop trying to burst my bubble. I live with freaking chronic pain. Isn’t that enough! Reminder is there daily- thanks!

I can say that I am much better than I was almost 3 years ago when the pain was so bad i was bedridden. For that I am thankful. Dr Williams got me this far. This time around I think I would like to be able to lower my dosage of the nerve pain medication I take.  Which I can only do if I have less pain. The meds leave me with low energy and some other side effects that get tiresome- esp weight gain. My doctors would like to see my arm work better and my range of motion improve. So we will see. Sometimes you just got to do what you just got to do!

I am off to eat some cheesecake. We had an early Valentines Day lunch today and we took the dessert to go. I will also be eating again around 11:30pm because I don’t do well fasting at all- and I especially don’t do well when the surgery is late afternoon as mine is tomorrow afternoon. Thankfully I can have some water 4 hours before surgery. I am sure this is so they won’t tear my veins apart trying to get an IV in! Been there! I am bound to become somewhat hangry by 3pm- maybe they will drug me up prior – or drug themselves! Hangry on me isn’t pretty! Bless those nurses. They will be probably be shoving some food into me when I am in recovery!

Happy VD Day ❤ (Send some good vibes out for me tomorrow if you think of it!)

T6f0mTIUSJOiS9xmn88aOw_thumb_50b0

In January I went to the National Aquarium in Baltimore, MD. It is a spectacular place. They had the Jelly Fish Exhibit and it was really cool. Don’t these look as if they are lighting up from inside?

 

Missing me? I hope not.

Rudy knew we were leaving. He always knows when we are going to be going in the car. He can tell. The suitcase comes out and I grab my pillow and a blanket I always travel with.

Even Ridley my Old English Sheepdog gets excited. He knows too. And he and Rudy usually get to go along – but not on this particular trip. This time they didn’t hear me utter “bye bye to beach house”. But still there was an expectation. An anticipation. The waiting for the leash. The sad look from Rudy ( or was that my projection ?) when he realized I was going and he wasn’t.

I know not to make a big deal about coming and goings with my dogs. But they know the packing and the taking things to the car. I did give them a pat and a treat when I left. I may have said “I’ll be back in five minutes.” I say that often if I run to the barn or mailbox or store. It’s said with no inflection. No sadness. I just say it as if Rudy or Ridley or any of the other dogs would understand. So The other day I may have said that and then I left. But Rudy was confused. He had anticipated wrong. He thought I was supposed to be getting him loaded in the car.

It’s amazing at what dogs pick up on. They know by your movements where you intend to walk. Well at least Rudy does. My sheepdog who isn’t very smart or maybe he’s just so stubborn it resembles dumb – even he sees cues and knows things sometimes before I know them.

Dogs are so in tune with their humans. We think they can tell time sometimes right? My dogs knew when my kids bus was coming. Not because it was 2:34. But because they likely heard the squeak of the brakes or the door opening at a stop down the road. I couldn’t hear it but they knew. Or maybe it was the light or maybe some cue I gave them through my feelings. Dogs are not humans they have senses we don’t. They are more of this world then we will ever be. We live in houses and so do they but they are so much more part of the real world – is nature. They aren’t distracted by all the things we think are important. To dogs the humans are important to them bc we help them survive. So they have to be in tune to us.

So in this situation of me leaving -the packing is the most telling to them. It seems obvious. They relate those actions to them going somewhere. If I grab my purse Rudy knows I’m going out. Ridley who acts deaf half the time can tell the difference between plates rattling in the sink and the opening of the treat jar in the kitchen. It’s certainly amazing. But I think it’s their instinct to be so in tune.

And for Rudy I’m his job. He rarely plays with our other dogs. He most always chooses to be with me – with the exception of the chance to scam some food off someone in the kitchen. Sometimes he bags me for that. But soon enough he comes to find me again. If a door separates us he lays by it and whines.

I didn’t leave feeling badly about him. I knew he would be ok with my sons and my mom who sneaks the dogs treats often. I left missing him though. We are together a lot but this trip – to Cleveland to see my daughter – wasn’t going to be good for a dog to attend.

Funny enough the drive was nice because we didn’t have any dogs to walk at the rest stop. But I will say I missed him when I was laying in bed. He’s always around and a few times I woke up looking for him quickly remembering he was at home.

Just before bed I had texted one of my sons at home and he called me – no FaceTimed- (I’ll never get used to it.) And he showed me Rudy and Ridley laying by the front door. He said they had been like that since I left. ( ok they did leave that post in order to eat so they aren’t that sad.) They weren’t suffering. They were eating.

I know sometimes when routines change dogs won’t eat -I have a couple dogs like that who occasionally get too stressed to eat when we are gone. Mostly it happens if we have a new caretaker. But after a couple days they are usually eating again.

Dogs don’t have a concept of time like we do so that always makes me feel better knowing they don’t see the passing of time the same as we do. So I knew he wasn’t pining. Just waiting.

I had a little fun the other night and tried to call him to me on FaceTime and he came to the phone. But was totally confused. He heard my voice and maybe saw something in that phone but i am not sure he saw me. I took a couple photos. He’s certainly sweet.

Anyway when I checked with my son the next morning he said Rudy did lay back by the door after our call but then came to bed with him – he slept in our bedroom. The rest of the pack was in there too so he was going in.

I suspect in another day or even less he may have stopped laying by the door. He would move on to whoever was there. He would be ok.

When I got home we had some excitement from all the dogs so Rudy was lost in that fray. I gave him a pet quickly and then I think he was sent outside with the pack. So I began to get settled -I had been home maybe five minutes and back in came Rudy. He doesn’t jump all over me – though he would do that to a stranger. (Pet peeve of mine that we work on and on). He just stood in the room and I told him to come up on the bed for a hug. And it was then he began whining and rubbing his head into my chest. Then Kevin came in and he gave him his excited growl – a thing he does when he’s happy. He makes this growling noise but it’s not menacing it is like he is talking. It’s funny! He also murr’s a lot. It’s dog purring. Maybe some dog owners out there know what I’m describing. He has different inflections of this noise based on what he wants. Like me to share my food. It is an intake or exhale of air with like three pauses. Our lab Lemon does that too. It’s communication and I thinks it’s cool.

I think Rudy was whining because he was glad I was home. I’m a pack member and I was gone. I am also his person and I was back. Did he miss me? Maybe? I want to think he was ok though. But just happy to see me return back to the den.

I did miss a dog being around they are a comfort to me as I have anxiety and I find a dog helps me feel less anxious but I did well aside from some pain from the long drive but it didn’t last long so that was great and I had a nice time seeing my daughter and doing stuff.

But I still wonder what he thinks – what his perceptions are. But I’m glad he is back doing his job. He’s here right now in my office as I write this. He’s laying by the door – and as soon as I move a certain way he will jump up trying to anticipate my next move. “Is she leaving the office? Ok – Just tidying up. Oh then I can rest my head down again. Or maybe there is some paper I can eat. ”

I like to think they aren’t as complex as we try to make them. I like it that way. We must seem very complex to them. Or perhaps they read past all out flawed humanness and see our souls.

I will never really know what Rudy feels but I don’t think my being gone is horribly distressing -maybe confusing because he was anticipating he was going. But he ate and drank and was fine. And I’m glad. I know Rudy and I have some kind of special connection -and however that is manifested i am very lucky to have him.

Ahh – he just came over for some pets. I think I’ll go now and oblige him. All is as it should be in his world. His person is here.

Pinterest Recipe Review: chicken (pork) and broccoli stir fry

https://pin.it/kikwpu365nzqh3

Ok so I have this idea and clearly I haven’t thought it out clearly yet but this year I want to blog about different stuff. Just go outside what I normally write about. So I decided as part of that I was going to review Pinterest recipes. I’m surely not the only person who does this. But I just feel like trying it so I’m going to.

I need to be better about taking pictures of the food before we all dive into here at Glory View Farm. I have a Frittata recipe that I cooked but forgot to take pictures.

The fun thing is that I often make changes to recipes and sometime that’s a blunder. The frittata was one of those. Well people ate it but – maybe I’ll write about that one next! No pictures.

So maybe I’ll get better at this as I go along. But here goes.

I posted the recipe link above. I love Pinterest it has been my guide to many things in my life especially redesigning our home. Much of my inspiration comes for there.

So I pin and pin recipes. And I’ll warn you I am no chef. Not even a great cook I like to cook but don’t want to have to cook – does that even make sense?

So when I want to cook I plan out my meals and I use Pinterest a lot for ideas.

Case in point. I got a new stir fry pan for Christmas. Thank you Santa! And I wanted to try it out. So I picked out a chicken and broccoli stir fry from Pinterest. And I wrote the ingredients on a shopping list.

I want to also say that now the my boys are in college (home now on break) we shop more often but buy less stuff. So I try to plan 2-3 meals and shop for this while picking up other sundries like almond milk and bread as needed. It may be helping our bottom line grocery expenditure i am still in the process of figuring it out.

I mention this bc I was in a hurry to plan these meals that included the chicken broccoli stir fry and I had another chicken meal planned so last minute so I decided to make it pork instead of chicken because I don’t want an overload of chicken. I try to vary it’s up. I’ve Been eating less meat as well. I haven’t had the taste for it for some reason. So anyway I digress -we decided to change to pork so we picked up a pack of pork stew meat and that was that.

Stir fry is very easy. You cut up stuff and toss it in oil until it cooks up and you throw in some sauce. I love that something this simple yields such a good outcome.

We started by cooking the jasmati rice first as that takes longer to cook. Obviously you could serve this with many types of rice and I am also a big fan of rice noodles too.

My husband -Kevin- acts as my asst and cuts up the veggies and washes most of the dishes. Sometimes when I cook I create a huge mess. I use so many dishes. So I say yes to anyone who wants to help me clean up. Sadly bc Of arm nerve damage I really can’t always complete the full task of prepping, cooking and cleaning up. So it’s nice to have help.

In this recipe I learned to cook the veggies first in the oil. In the past I had done it backwards. I like this because the meat doesn’t have to be warmed back up the veggies do but that is faster.

So we began with some oil on medium high heat in my stir fry pan (it’s not an official wok so I won’t call it that! ) we tossed in the veggies. Oh I forgot to mention we added peppers to the broccoli just because we had some in the crisper. I think I should have done the broccoli first and then added the peppers halfway through the broccoli stir fry but I added them all together. Nothing got mushy but that was luck and me watching closely.

When the veggies were cooked we set the then aside in a bowl that I covered with a paper towel in hopes they wouldn’t get too cold. And then we added the meat into some more heated oil in the pan and throughly cooked it up. This is when you add the sauce. It asked to move the pork to the sides of the pan and put the sauce in the middle and let it thicken.

So about the sauce. I mixed that up in a bowl. The hoisin, soy, cornstarch and garlic-etc. We had twice as much meat and veggies so I did double the recipe- but in the end I feel I should have made more. I like my stir fry saucy. I added more hoisin onto my portion but it wasn’t as good as the sauce.

Going back to the pan and adding the sauce. Mine thickened fast. So I tossed the meat with it then added the veggies. Let it cook covered on low medium for a minute or two (until veggies coated and heated back up ) and it was ready to serve. Some rice and then the stir fry on top.

I really liked the outcome even with less sauce than I would have liked.

I did place soy sauce and hoisin and toasted sesame on the counter for people to add as the desired.

It was a hit with the family as well. The boys don’t tell me but if it’s almost gone I know.

I didn’t even take pictures of this until we had dug into it. But the recipe is attached here and there are plenty of photos in that.

I will get better at this or maybe I won’t! But I’ll try.

I give this recipe 👍👍👍👍 thumbs up. It could be a five if I had been better with the sauce. But it was a 👍👍👍👍👍 as far as the family food consumers were concerned.

Thanks for reading!

(Def my photos need to be better!)

Clearing my mind

The last few days I’ve felt a growing sense of anxiety. So much to do. Worrying about things I can’t control. And worrying about things I can.

Will I be able to physically do the things I need to get done? I am hoping so. A visit to my surgeon a few weeks ago ended with him draining another couple cyst like things from my axilla and giving me a nice big steroid injection and so far I have had some relief. Still I can’t do many things I once could. And still I push to do as many things as I can. So much I leave in others hands. That’s hard for me too.

I think the issue is also mental. I forget so many things. I get overwhelmed and I get mad that I forget things. I forget to check my calendar and my notes app where I write so many things.

Today the cell phone repair guy showed up around 1pm. I had completely forgotten he was coming. I hadn’t even checked the calendar and I had put something else as a priority. Thankfully we were home. He came for my sons broken phone screen but if we hadn’t been home he likely wouldn’t have heard the door. Well anyway that worked out.

Other days I don’t get so lucky and one thing or another is forgotten or lost or a new fire shows up that needs to be put out ASAP.

My mind needs a break.

Yesterday wasn’t rainy – as so many days here seem to be. It was breezy and cold but sunny so I took off to walk on the lane to clear my mind.

It takes me half the walk to stop thinking about all the crap that I need to get done. I stop along the way and take photos. I listen to the shifting breeze. I listen to the quiet. I play some Coldplay on my phone for a bit.

I brought my dog Rudy and I watch him Focusing himself on the walk at hand. The smells and eating gross things. He just is in the moment.

And finally so am I. I feel the angst leave even if for just a while. My spirit lifted.

I have more energy for the day. And more patience. I feel happiness. I get a lot done.

Why -I think to myself – don’t I just get out and get into the natural world every morning. I need so habit. Something that centers me. Otherwise the day gets away from me.

My thoughts are not like they once were. They used to be in order – do this and then this and then that. Now they can start anywhere. It’s the difference between a straight line drawn on a board with a few blips, and squiggles drawn all over the board. My mind is squiggles. Maybe this is the meds I take , aging , a result of all the surgeries I’ve had to have over the last few years – who knows.

Anyway Clearing my mind helps get the line straighter.

It’s just a matter of making that a priority.

Filling in the cracks.

img_5583It’s as if I’m living in the middle or my own story. I don’t know how it will end yet.  But it is like that for everyone…they might not think of life in such terms as an unfolding story is all. I feel this is yet another chapter of my life that is still being written. I want it to come to  some good end but I know I have really no control over the outcome. There are too many hands at play. And maybe the outcome isn’t even the point . Maybe it is what we learn in the middle of that chapter that matters.

I feel like I am trying to put the broken pieces of a pot together again except some little fragments are gone. So the pot can never be the same. It is small seams that may not appear to the eye but they are there. It may seem the same if you aren’t looking too hard -but in fact it is not the same at all. Even if the pot looks whole, there is a before the break and the after. 

This is how it has been with my life – my family. Some choice, some event and the trajectory of life how it once was is changed. We have had our little world rocked a time or two lately and from the outside it might seem the same but from the inside I can see the fissures and the leaking holes. And I keep trying to fill them up. There are the befores and the afters. The what was and what is. The need to forgive and grow and move on. Its tiring really – but again ….life.

This last five years has had my life trajectory pinging to and fro. There are so many before and afters. I have not been able to really get on an even keel. But I’m trying. I think if the old Weeble commercials from when I was a kid or did they come later? “Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down”. I thinks that’s me.  A Weeble trying to just get upright for a little while.

There is also the life before cancer and the after. I define a lot of time by that. Before the pain went crazy and after. And on and on. It’s what happens. And now I’m trying to put it all back together yet again. To make a pretty pot. But won’t their always be the cracks? 

I used to feel more resilient. More get up and get on with it. More able. But time does wear on a person. Sometimes I feel too darn tired to try to fill those cracks- but you have to or more will come and then you will be over your head  and what then? 

What then? I don’t know because I keep filling the darn things.

This Christmas season I haven’t been feeling much into it. I don’t feel bah humbug or anything. But I haven’t felt merry. I am just doing what I do. Arranging for gifts. Planning a menu. I am looking forward to seeing extended family and friends on Christmas Day. So thats a plus. Kevin insisted we do lights outside (his way of healing too I think )and he got the tree out and my mom and I decorated it- and it looks quite pretty.

We have a dear friend coming to stay with us. I am very glad for that. Not only to see him but in a way he will be part of the after. Maybe a new tradition of having him in our home on the holiday. Something we need. And maybe too he would be the buffer for any awkwardness that might ensue between family members as we confront this new territory- this new after.

I think when I got cancer it was the fear that everything would seem so different that I wanted so much to make things seem the same when it came to holiday time. I worried for my kids but also for me.  The cancer had shaken me up. Fear loomed over my shoulder constantly and I felt if I tried hard enough to make things seem all good and the holidays bright nothing would be different. But its just a show. 

I realized as we sailed into that holiday that I would not be able to do like I thought I would. We got a tree up as I recall. I think I may have decorated it with some help. But apart from the decor and gifts – thank God for online shopping- things weren’t the same. I stopped radiation Christmas Eve. There would be no cooking for me – I was bone tired. Family had decided to gather at my in-laws home and they were very adamant I bring nothing.  I think I managed to bake an easy pie. I can’t recall. If I did it was pride I guess. But the point was – as hard as I tried there was no way I could keep anything from being different. It just was.

So maybe it is not necessary to try to make things seem shiny. I believe we still have to fill the cracks. Its part of moving forward. Its the healing.  It helps keep the foundation strong. Its how we keep life from rolling us over. But time can also help healing and in time the after will be normal – or there will be an entirely new after yet again – more likely this.

My family- we will be ok. We are a an assembly of different parts. We make a pretty good whole. And while I may notice the cracks in my pot- I probably don’t notice them in yours- but they are likley there. And each crack that is mended holds a story – one that may be sad or filled with remorse, one that may contain grief and maybe even some laughs. But this is what makes up parts of the chapter of our own book.. A chapter in that chip here and a paragraph in that crack there. We all live this and we will all learn something from each before and after. We all break sometimes and I pray like hell that I will keep being a Weeble -that I will keep having the faith that I can keep trying to right myself long enough to fill in the cracks as they come. And I wish that for you too.